To think my DM was being goady?

[Blueonder]

Bit of context: DM and I have a troubled relationship. DF died when I was a teenager. We were fairly wealthy and I was 'spoiled' in a material sense, but didn't have a lot of time with my parents as they had busy and important jobs. I have always felt 'second best' to DM (in terms of her preferring my older sibling, her job etc etc). I felt she was quite emotionally distant when I was a child. As an adult, on reflection, I think she (and my DF) worked extremely hard to provide for their children as she had a pretty shitty upbringing and wanted 'better' for her own family. Unfortunately this came at the expense of her time and emotional investment. I have tried to forgive this, but have struggled. DM is also very up and down mood wise and has been my whole life. She's very 'overblown' in that the smallest issue is THE END OF THE WORLD some days, and others it's not even on her radar. She's known to over exaggerate and cause a drama for minor things.
Anyway, to the issue:
DM loves animals. Well, in the sense that she SAYS she loves animals, until she has to do anything to inconvenience herself (such as foster homeless dogs, adopt a stray etc), then she isn't interested. She's the type to let her pedigree pampered dogs sleep in her bed, eat off her plate, that kinda thing. We, on the other hand, have working dogs who are treated like working dogs. They are well looked after, but ultimately are treated like dogs. She hates this. Always defies me and lets them on my sofas and in the lounge (we have 3 children under 5 and live rurally), and it drives me mad as I'm concerned about hygiene with young ones crawling about. Also FIL is partially blind due to an issue involving dog poo when he was a child (neospirosis?). She makes a fuss constantly about how my dogs aren't looked after, aren't fed enough, she 'can't bear it' and all this rubbish. Our dogs are always told they are 'the perfect weight' and 'how nice to see a dog that isn't overweight' at their yearly boosters at the vet... so it clearly isn't just us who thinks they are fine. Anyway, today, one of the dogs ripped a bin bag to shreds that I'd left down near the door when I wasn't looking, ate all the poo out of the nappies in the bin, smeared it everywhere, left fish juice and veg peelings and all manner of disgusting things all over the floor. My 1yo then went over and picked up her own shit. I obviously started the clean up immediately. DM then contacted me in the middle of this, I told her what had gone on and would chat later. She then said the dog had done this because he was 'hungry'. I calmly said it's more likely it was a protest as DH had gone out without him (he's a sheepdog) to feed the animals. DM then repeated 'he's hungry all the time'. So I lost it. She's now gone nuclear back with me and told me she's never stepping foot here again as she's 'sick of walking on eggshells' and 'can't say anything without getting in trouble'. I'm at a loss. AIBU to say SHE was the goady one, not me?! Or should I have just let it go, knowing what she's like and accepting that her comments weren't really a massive issue?

I’d give it a couple of days to blow over, but then stand firm…. Your house, your kids, your pets, your rules

Well you lost it with her first and she gave the same back to you so you can't really complain about that part. Also, if your dog rips up bin bags and gets disgusting things all over your floor then it needs better training, unless it's because it's hungry, like she suggested.

Tbh, this is way beyond an issue than the dogs (yours and hers). The paragraph before the story even starts proves that.

The dog was either hungry or bored 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my dog got access to a stinky bin bag full of shit, he would tear it open with joy. He would probably eat the shit. He would most definitely roll in it. In short he would have a wonderful time.
He is neither hungry or bored.
He is a dog. They like rancid things. They particularly like shit.

Meh, you were allowed to blow up and she can blow up back. Hopefully it all settles down eventually but I’d just ask her to stop acting like I abuse my dogs when the vet says they’re perfectly healthy.

Wait for her to come to you though and if she doesn’t well she’s only harmed herself.

I’m not sure this post needed the massive background about childhood though. She’s weird with dogs and you had an argument. Done.

You probably shouldn't have stopped in the middle of cleaning up to answer the phone when you were obviously stressed out. Her comments are mildly annoying but you're the one who lost it with her first. It sounds like a massive argument over nothing.

Thank God we never got a dog when we were thinking about it! 🤮🤮🤮

You knew she was werid about dogs so you shouldn’t have told her. In future don’t leave bin bags were your dog can access them and don’t answer your phone if you’re busy or too stressed.

This. It’s an everyday BAU argument over a different approach to dogs.

Id be much more concerned about your first paragraph. Your parents worked hard to give their children a life they didn’t have themselves. That is to be admired. But it meant that they were less available than if they hadn’t worked as hard and you see that as something you need to “forgive”. As a working parent I find that quite triggering to read, and lacking an awareness of life’s demands which I would expect from an adult child.

I think your comments about mother when it comes to animals are mean frankly - the bit where she likes animals unless she has to put herself out. She clearly does really like animals.

You left a bag out by mistake and were then left with the disgusting consequences of that (been there!). While dealing with it you chose to answer the phone to your mother & took your stress out on her. It’s an everyday row, I don’t know why you are choosing to view a row about a different attitude to dogs as something that needs to be considered through the lens of your childhood

You are harsh in your judgment of your mother. This is just a difference of opinion. You lost it first.

The dogs are working dogs but they live in the house too?
I think that if a dog is left with access to a full bin bag of lovely and varied smells, you have to make doubly sure that you've trained them not to tear into it.
Your mother sounds like hard work too but tbh you sound judgmental of her- your comment about her loving animals but not adopting a stray, for instance. You really don't have to do those things to be an animal lover.
The working dog thing is more nuanced, because some people don't "get" working dogs, but similarly, many farmers don't really feel that their working dogs need as much care as pets. If the dog is in your home, it's domesticated.