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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I cope?

15 replies

Cleo65 · 26/04/2025 20:38

Apologies - my first post & I don't know where to put it...

I was unexpectedly diagnosed with emphysema yesterday. Quite the shock.
I told 2 family members & 6 good friends (2 of those being, what I thought were, REALLY good friends, we're talking 5 decades).

Today, only one (family member) has checked in to see how I am, obviously I'm reeling.... I live alone with an age cat.

I'm so very sad - in today's world a short text takes maybe 3 minutes, but knowing I wasn't worthy of even that is proving very hard to cope with on top of the emphysema.

Any input into how not to feel so sad would be so very gratefully received. I can't imagine not taking 3 minutes if the situation was reversed, it's like a double whammy.

Am I being unreasonable to hope someone thought I was worth 3 minutes under these circumstances.

Am I not being unreasonable, my loved ones are rubbish.

I'm very fragile - asking strangers for help, but I'm terrified......& now, I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
TryingAgainAgainAgain · 26/04/2025 20:41

I'm sorry you're having such a stressful and anxious time.

Just to clarify, did you text the five friends yesterday to tell them your diagnosis, and none of them replied?

tinyspiny · 26/04/2025 20:49

I’m sorry that your family and friends have not stepped up a bit , it’s really not a lot to ask however I’d also say not to stress too much about the diagnosis . I was diagnosed in 2016 with emphysema also very unexpectedly and I’m no worse now than I was then , which is not bad at all aside from being on inhalers

Original poster
Cleo65 · 26/04/2025 20:50

No, so sorry - I didn't make that clear, & thank you for replying so soon. Two group chats, I got cursory acknowledgements last night, & I did say I was frankly terrified having seen my Nan pass from same....& then tumbleweed today.
I'm aware my role in the two friendship groups is as the 'instigator of good times' & the 'I'm OK on my own', maybe I played those roles too well?
But these are very long standing friends....
Just feel so lonely tonight, hence reaching out to Mumsnet to figure if my expectations were too much.
I've never been in a situation like this, so I'm a tad confused about what I should have hoped for.
Surely a 'hey, you OK today?' wasn't too big a hope?

Gawd, I feel so pathetic....

OP posts:
JLou08 · 26/04/2025 20:52

Reach out to them and let them know you are struggling. If you spoke with them all yesterday I don't feel they are wrong to not contact you the following day and them not contacting you doesn't mean they're not thinking of you.

Original poster
Cleo65 · 26/04/2025 20:53

tinyspiny · 26/04/2025 20:49

I’m sorry that your family and friends have not stepped up a bit , it’s really not a lot to ask however I’d also say not to stress too much about the diagnosis . I was diagnosed in 2016 with emphysema also very unexpectedly and I’m no worse now than I was then , which is not bad at all aside from being on inhalers

Thank you!! I'm pretty 'it is what it is' with the diagnosis but I'm really sad no-one I care about cared enough to check in on me today.
I've talked to the cat but she is really useless in difficult situations....

OP posts:
Annialisting · 26/04/2025 20:55

Sorry to read this, it’s awful for you. When I was diagnosed with cancer, you soon find out who your friends are. I guess it’s the same for you.

Don’t dwell on it, channel all your energy into looking after yourself.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 26/04/2025 22:17

Nothing but a cursory acknowledgment from old friends is miserable, @Cleo65. Many people react completely inadequately to bad news, including heath problems. I don't think that's easily excused at all, it's shit. But it's definitely not just you.

iamnotalemon · 26/04/2025 23:45

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s tough when your friends don’t check in, particularly if you’ve gone above and beyond for them x

Dillshair · 26/04/2025 23:52

People have their own health issues they maybe don't share. It's not that they don't care.

Hercisback1 · 26/04/2025 23:56

I wouldn't check in daily after a diagnosis. I'm a 'no news is good news' person. If you are feeling rubbish, tell them.

Saphire123 · 27/04/2025 00:48

OP, You are certainly not pathetic.
Sometimes sharing to strangers on a public forum can help you get through difficult times, especially if real life family and friends are not stepping up.
I know years ago, talking on a forum helped me when I was going through a bereavement.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 27/04/2025 02:44

Hercisback1 · 26/04/2025 23:56

I wouldn't check in daily after a diagnosis. I'm a 'no news is good news' person. If you are feeling rubbish, tell them.

She told them the news, and that she was feeling worst than rubbish, yesterday. They barely acknowledged it.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 27/04/2025 02:58

Cleo65 · 26/04/2025 20:38

Apologies - my first post & I don't know where to put it...

I was unexpectedly diagnosed with emphysema yesterday. Quite the shock.
I told 2 family members & 6 good friends (2 of those being, what I thought were, REALLY good friends, we're talking 5 decades).

Today, only one (family member) has checked in to see how I am, obviously I'm reeling.... I live alone with an age cat.

I'm so very sad - in today's world a short text takes maybe 3 minutes, but knowing I wasn't worthy of even that is proving very hard to cope with on top of the emphysema.

Any input into how not to feel so sad would be so very gratefully received. I can't imagine not taking 3 minutes if the situation was reversed, it's like a double whammy.

Am I being unreasonable to hope someone thought I was worth 3 minutes under these circumstances.

Am I not being unreasonable, my loved ones are rubbish.

I'm very fragile - asking strangers for help, but I'm terrified......& now, I'm heartbroken.

Don’t be terrified and don’t be heartbroken love.
Talk to us on here.
Sometimes people in real life don’t understand when others need understanding.
Have you got one of those finger monitors for SP02.
I find it brilliant for managing my breathing as I have COPD.x

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 27/04/2025 08:39

Hi,
Your worth is not measured by their responses. You are worthy of their time and care and it is natural to feel fragile at the moment and to seek support. Our support networks differ in their functionality.

I am a supporter. I check in. I listen. I ask questions. I offer help. I remember the important dates but I'm also there in the days in between them.

One of my dear friend is not this way inclined. She always remarks that she just doesn't think to do it. She is caring and kind but wouldn't reach out unless prompted. It is not a flaw, just how she approaches things. She waits to be asked.Your friends may be like this.

Tell the family member who did message how much you needed that. Phone them for a chat about how you are feeling both about the unexpected diagnosis and need for support.

Group chats can have tumbleweed moments. Messages between two people tend to flow more like a conversation. You could message everyone individually (you can forward the same message) and hopefully they are more responsive or call/meet them instead.

Support from all sources is good - family, friends, forum and cat. You could also ask your GP about support groups or talking therapies for more specific support.

Original poster
Cleo65 · 27/04/2025 14:11

You are all so kind.....& so wise!
Thanks you so much for taking the time to answer & for giving such blooming wonderful advice.
I'm beyond grateful xx

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