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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH’s reaction toxic?

23 replies

Hey12345 · 26/04/2025 20:17

While traveling on the bus on the way home from a family member’s party my husband joked sarcastically that I was like my grandmother because I’m super cautious, because I was very cautious of our 2yo, grabbing on to her every corner etc as the bus has no safety belt. Some other words
were made and I got to the point where I said ‘ok fine I’ll back off, she’s your responsibility now then and I’ll be with our eldest DH.’ 5mins pass by, bus goes round a bend and youngest DH does almost like a flip and lands flat on her face, blood everywhere of course, lots of crying. Anyway I grab hold of her and she calms. I know he feels guilty and I feel angry so I do say something along the lines of “oh well this is why I’m like my grandmother” he gets really angry and swears towards me in front of our girls. AIBU to think this is toxic? Yes you’re guilty but should you really take it out on us? And AIBU to think this wouldn’t have happened if I carried on just holding on to her dress with every corner or breaking the bus took since we’re well aware of the route?

OP posts:
Galectable · 26/04/2025 20:19

Saying that you are like your grandmother is gaslighting. Get counselling.

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 26/04/2025 20:22

It sounds fucked up on both ends tbh, you and him.

You should of still kept hold of her, yes your point got made but at the expense of your DD being hurt.

You should of just kept hold of her instead of wanting to prove someone wrong.

Whyx · 26/04/2025 20:22

Yes it's not a good reaction. Toxic sort of suggests a pattern of this type of behaviour? Is that the case?

Has he carried on with the same stance or has he apologised/tried to make amends. I think this is the more important bit.

I can sometimes react like this when I am shocked and so I will go to blame initially but I am working on this and apologise as soon as the adrenaline has dipped back down.

Whyx · 26/04/2025 20:24

Pp makes a good point about your attitude. If you believed holding on to her was necessary then you should have done so. I originally though he was still looking after her but less tightly or constantly. Abandoning her to the consequences is a bit extreme.

Gundogday · 26/04/2025 20:25

I’m sure whether he’s toxic reacted in the heat if the moment. You can’t really comment on one incident.

SeriousFaffing · 26/04/2025 20:28

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 26/04/2025 20:22

It sounds fucked up on both ends tbh, you and him.

You should of still kept hold of her, yes your point got made but at the expense of your DD being hurt.

You should of just kept hold of her instead of wanting to prove someone wrong.

I agree with this. You should have just kept hold of her to protect her from getting thrown about on the bus - instead you chose to let your other half gaslight you or, worse, let your child get hurt to prove a point.

Your other half on the other hand sounds a complete knob. Yes, the way he behaved is toxic.

As a PP said, you should get counselling. You need to know that this isn’t an acceptable relationship dynamic.

Original poster
Hey12345 · 26/04/2025 20:29

if something has resulted in someone being hurt when I’ve warned of something potentially happening he has always reacted in a guilty but pissed off way towards everyone else.

Hindsight, I should have still held on. But I’ve always been made to feel like I’m
overreacting, so much that he sometimes calls me h & s officer. Or my grandmother (who is always over the top with safety), so sometimes I feel like I am overreacting and I should leave the kids in his hands then since I do work and sometimes they are his responsibility.

OP posts:
MereNoelle · 26/04/2025 20:31

If you were worried about her safety, why did you let go? I wouldn’t give a shit if my husband said I was ‘like my grandma’, if I thought she was at any risk I’d keep hold of her regardless.

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 26/04/2025 20:36

Hey12345 · 26/04/2025 20:29

if something has resulted in someone being hurt when I’ve warned of something potentially happening he has always reacted in a guilty but pissed off way towards everyone else.

Hindsight, I should have still held on. But I’ve always been made to feel like I’m
overreacting, so much that he sometimes calls me h & s officer. Or my grandmother (who is always over the top with safety), so sometimes I feel like I am overreacting and I should leave the kids in his hands then since I do work and sometimes they are his responsibility.

Sorry but I would say that someone saying ok fine I’ll back off, she’s your responsibility now then and I’ll be with our eldest and then letting go of a small child who could fall over....... because someone said your like your grandma..... is an over reaction

Branleuse · 26/04/2025 20:40

I would be absolutely raging. How dare he mock you keeping your child safe, and then have a go at you after he let her get hurt

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 26/04/2025 20:40

I wish I hadn't clicked on this thread. The thought of a mum willing to risk the safety of a small child to prove a point to an adult man, is actually disgusting

oh well this is why I'm like my grandma

It's you. Your toxic

OfficerChurlish · 26/04/2025 20:40

The fact that yelling at and getting one up on his wife was his priority even AFTER his daughter was hurt (in his care) is a red flag IMO.

It sounds like you were each sniping at the other. I do think you should have discussed this in private when you both were calm and there's probably some blame on both sides, but if he cannot accept responsibility and is venting his anger on you (and indirectly on the children, as they won't enjoy witnessing it) then he's putting himself first when he shouldn't be.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 26/04/2025 20:43

Poor kid being in the middle of that mess.

BakelikeBertha · 26/04/2025 20:45

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 26/04/2025 20:40

I wish I hadn't clicked on this thread. The thought of a mum willing to risk the safety of a small child to prove a point to an adult man, is actually disgusting

oh well this is why I'm like my grandma

It's you. Your toxic

What absolute B.S.! The OP, said that if he thought she was wrong, then he should take over the care of her daughter. She obviously thought he would then realise that he needed to keep an eye out, and be prepared should they go around a sharp corner in case she fell, but he didn't! HIS fault! NOT that of the OP!

Illprobqblychangemynameagain · 26/04/2025 20:48

BakelikeBertha · 26/04/2025 20:45

What absolute B.S.! The OP, said that if he thought she was wrong, then he should take over the care of her daughter. She obviously thought he would then realise that he needed to keep an eye out, and be prepared should they go around a sharp corner in case she fell, but he didn't! HIS fault! NOT that of the OP!

Show quote history

But it was evident from his comment that he wasn't going to? Or he wouldn't of insinuated she was over protective. If he was going to keep an eye out then he wouldn't of commented at all would he?

And she says further on there's history of her wanting him and then someone getting hurt.

So with knowing that already, why would she think that he was going to heed her warning, on a bus, when he's already sneered at her?

Petitchat · 26/04/2025 20:55

Some men are just too immature to be responsible parents.
Unhelpful I know, but situations like this really piss me off.

Yes I have DH with similar attitude.

21ZIGGY · 26/04/2025 20:56

Galectable · 26/04/2025 20:19

Saying that you are like your grandmother is gaslighting. Get counselling.

It is not gaslighting. This term is so misunderstood and overused.

Op's husband was a dick and useless

"Toxic" is too far based on one example alone

luckycat888 · 26/04/2025 21:08

You should have kept hold of her. She was put at risk to prove a point. That’s not good. Who cares about being likened to grandma. Grandma put you first. She sounds great to me.
Your husband was in the wrong also. But he reacted from the guilt. I’m sure his response wasn’t thought through. He was being defensive and a twit in my opinion.

Original poster
Hey12345 · 26/04/2025 21:32

luckycat888 · 26/04/2025 21:08

You should have kept hold of her. She was put at risk to prove a point. That’s not good. Who cares about being likened to grandma. Grandma put you first. She sounds great to me.
Your husband was in the wrong also. But he reacted from the guilt. I’m sure his response wasn’t thought through. He was being defensive and a twit in my opinion.

My Grandma was over the top because she would say things like “don’t jump over that wall or you will fall and fracture your skull”. Yes she obviously did worry, but I think that was over the top, so when he kept telling me to stop and I was like my Grandma, I did think ok I need to ease a bit, and let her be in his supervision because I’m over the top.

OP posts:
Purplesy · 26/04/2025 21:33

Yes absolutely toxic.
Your poor children.

Original poster
Hey12345 · 26/04/2025 21:35

I did 100% “over protect” eldest where she’s a slightly nervous child about anything out of her comfort zone. So I am trying to be a little more relaxed, especially when I’m
being told I’m too over protective, but in this situation I should have just ignored DH and carried on holding on to her. Then obviously she wouldn’t have hurt herself. So I do feel
awful for that. But DH has made me feel worse because I can’t tell him how sad/angry I am because he is defensive and snappy at me.

OP posts:
Sherararara · 26/04/2025 21:36

It’s lots of things - none of them good, but based on the information provided it’s not toxic in of itself.

notsureyetcertain · 26/04/2025 22:54

So hemocked you for looking after your child then got angry with you when he failed to look after the child. Yea he’s a dick

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