To not understand what forgiveness actually feels like?

[SnugShaker]

People talk about how freeing and healing it is to forgive but I don’t really get it. If someone has wronged you badly, how do you actually feel forgiveness? Does it just mean you stop being angry? That you feel at peace? Or is it just something people say but don’t really experience?

It's letting go. I think it's an action that's more about the forgiver than the forgivee. It's about moving on from blame.

People think it is about letting go and moving on when in reality it is not about that. It is always about the other person telling you to forgive and their comfort not yours. If someone hurt you so much it is going to impact on you for the rest of your life then you may need support for the rest of your life. People feel uncomfortable about that and think after a certain time you should forgive or 'move on' which means shut up about it.

For me, forgiveness is about letting go of the hurt/damage that the other person has caused. Being able to say it no longer negatively impacts my life and thinking about the other person takes up very little of my time.
Of course it makes a difference depending on who you’re forgiving. A parent or child is suit just some random man who treated you badly.
I am grateful to be able to say that no one has yet hurt or betrayed me badly enough to say it was unforgivable.

I always thought that, then discovered that learning to let go actually does free you.

If someone’s hurt you so badly that you can’t get over it it’s not hurting them in the slightest, but it’s still hurting you. Learning to move on can save yourself an awful lot of residual hurt feelings.

Wrong. You are hurt anyway and hurt more trying to overcome it because society tells you you have to and then because you cannot you feel a failure and that hurts you more. Others telling you how to process things and how to feel is why we have people not talking about mental health issues because they've been told not to. To 'move on'!

People are allowed to be angry for as long as they want. Nope it doesn't necessarily hurt the victim. It can bring about change and hope.

Sorry you are very much pandering to the people who are telling you to move on because it helps them. Victims have to re-process on their own when they have said they have moved on as that pain can come at any time - care to explain if you have 'moved on' what do you do when you have to re-process? Not say a thing? Or just pretend it isn't happening? Because you moved on right so you have some magic to stop 're-processing?

Reminds me of the song 'turn if off' i6iKKoKyBM&startradio=1

I think you are not understanding that you can be happy with not forgiving someone and it not hurt you at all. That line is used to make people feel pressured into forgiving and also making them feeling bad for not 'letting go'.

I was raped. Do I forgive my rapist? Nope. Does it hurt me? Nope.

No one has ever done anything thing that awful to me, so take this with a pinch of salt, but I'll give a couple of examples.
I was (mildly?) sexually assaulted by a friends boyfriend. He held a knife to my throat and tried to make me have sex with his friend but I got away before anything really bad happened.
My thinking about that didn't really involve him. It took me a while to think about it at all and it did shift my perspective on human nature a bit. I think took me a long time to blame him at all and then really the whole part that was important for me, was about me, not him. I didn't want anyone to go after him or harm him or whatever, he was an irrelevance.
Second one: DH broke a promise (for good reason) which lost me a job and meant I had to move country with young kids. I made my annoyance known and was in a bad mood with him for about 6 months, but after that - what you gonna do? I'd chosen to go along with it rather than split and I'd made the most of the situation as far as I could so continuing being annoyed was pointless.
Do either of those help?
Basically it's not been helpful to hold on to things and often what people have done is understandable so I just don't.

Me?

Forgiveness is a way of calming and healing our nervous system. It’s turns things that make us feel angry and fearful into just things in our past that can’t hurt us again. When you forgive someone you actually notice the anger and resentment lifting and it does feel freeing. Having said that, forgiveness can be a long and difficult process especially when dealing with childhood trauma

I’ve tried to forgive. Thought I had, but then the anger rushes back.

I guess it’s a process.

You do not have to forgive. You can or you can choose not to. Anger is also a valid emotion and not harmful either. It is a very helpful emotion.

What is important is that you do what is right for you not because someone tells you you'll be hurt forever or lay on the guilt that you are a bad person for not forgiving.

Your trauma is yours to process and your journey only. How you do it and in what time is yours and yours alone to decide. No one else's.

I never forgive but I do have to learn to no longer care about them so they no longer hurt me.

I think it's not up to me to forgive. That's their problem. They have to live with their guilt. I would care for myself only.

i try to understand what their view point was but other than that its about it

Oh no, I was answering the op and left it ages while I was writing. Sorry about what happened to you, totally your perogative to forgive or not.