Putting my happiness on the backburner for sake of my children having a family unit?

[Dilemma550]

I have been with my partner for 20 years. 2 DD together. We got together very young. I remember, looking back now, i tried to end the relationship after about 6 years, felt i wanted freedom, but stuck with it, gave it another go and did fall in love again, and then went on to have 2 children.
For the past 5 years i would say, I havent felt 'in love'
He is a good man and brilliant Dad to our kids, I cant fault him in that area, but I just dont fancy him as much anymore and I dont want to have sex with him as much, more a chore that needs doing so I get on with it but avoid it when possible. I get irritated by him quite a bit too.
Because hes such a nice person, I desperately dont want to hurt him, but ultimately I dont want to break the family unit up for my children. They adore their dad, and when I was their age my parents divorced and i remember it affecting me very deeply. Although they would argue alot, and it was a relief they did split, it still upset me and i found myself torn between them both.
I dont want that for my children. One of my daughters will be going to high school in September, so i dont want anything to happen before then so they can adjust.
I have plodded along for a few years now, going along with it, we have a nice house (jointly owned) we have stability and financially we are doing well.
I keep telling myself the spark may come back. But i know the longer this has gone on, its not looking likely.
I promised myself, that my happiness can come later but my childrens happiness is my main priority, for the time being.
But then, suddenly a few months ago, a man has come along, and changed my whole mindset.
I cant stop thinking about him.
I want to be around him all the time.
I suddenly panicked and went cold, started avoiding him. Decided that I needed to get this out of my head and concentrate on the family unit i have.
But now, weeks later, hes realised and is keeping away from me and i am so upset. I have pushed him away, and i dont blame him. Nothing has happened but I knew if it carried on it could well have done. I've been on and off crying ever since. Sounds stupid but I havent felt like this, well in years. Ive had thoughts but nothing this intense.
What do i do with my life? I dont know if to break up my family and if i will regret it, or stay and hope i fall back in love. I feel I cant win either way.
Also, do i apologise to this man for how I have been? I have definitely been eager then cold, I am so upset with myself for doing it. Now hes got the message all I wanna do is run to him and explain myself instead of him thinking I have rejected/dont like him when thats far from the case, but I have allowed it to look like that. Will still have to see him regularly.

What on earth do I do.

Have you had the opportunity to go away with just you and your husband in the last 5 years? If not, do it. See if you can remember what you found sexy about him in the first place. If you want to keep your marriage, have you actively worked on that one part that seems to be missing? You seem to like everything else about your husband, and exciting new man would probably become less exciting over time x

Though you'll get posters who come on here to tell you the opposite, what you describe is just life. The spark and chemistry tend to be strong at the beginning, then fade to be replaced by a deeper sense of respect and affection.

You absolutely did the right thing pushing away the other man. If you break up your perfectly nice family unit, you'll just experience spark for another few montgs before you repeat the whole process.

And of course your husband irritates you, as I'm sure you do him. We're human and marriage requires a lot of patience and forgiveness of small irritations.

Life is also full of times when making the right choice is hard. You just did - walk away with your head held high.

I definitely think it is really important for kids to have a strong familyp unit. What you are feeling sounds like a crush that you will get over.
Short of violence, I always think it is better for couples, where children are involved, to remain together.

OP, if you have an atom of sense, you do absolutely nothing. You say your DH “is a good man and brilliant Dad to our kids” - what more do you expect of him? You’ve got a crush on some other man who thankfully you’ve had the sense to avoid, and are now upset that he isn’t rushing towards you. Look at all the good things you have in your life - a loving husband and a lovely family - and just stop and consider the reality if you tear this all up. You’ll be with a man who is not the father of your children and who will never feel about them as your DH does - and while the six might be exciting to start with, the gloss will quickly wear off and you’ll be left with what, exactly? What happens when you discover that this new man has feet of clay (because we all do) and that you’ve built him up in your head into being something he never was? Twenty years is a long time: that’s an awful lot of shared history to throw away simply because you feel the adolescent flutter of excitement of a new affair. Marriage is for the long haul. Think of two things - how would your children feel if you tear up your marriage, and how would you feel if your DH did this to you? Don’t have your head turned by a passing fancy and end up ruining your life.

Call me conservative, but I think it’s worth working on the relationship you have if it’s just the “spark” that has gone. What have you done to try and get this back? As a mum of three, I have to work really hard at keeping the flame alive between me and my DH. Bringing up kids is challenging and exhausting, and the thing that takes the back burner is your relationship with DH. I notice when we go away together as a couple, or even if we have the occasional date night, things improve a lot between us, and I start to remember what we once had. I suggest having an open conversation about this and coming up with a plan to add some flame back into your relationship. Ending a marriage isn’t easy, so if there is something to save it’s certainly worth trying.

I did this at 31.

I got married at 22, had a ds shortly after. I got bored. I didn’t fancy my ex anymore, although he was a very good person.

Had my head turned and left. I was all “life is about living, I want to be in love, have excitement” - such bollocks.

It was the worse thing I ever did and let me tell you, it fucked up my son. Something awful has happened recently and 100%, that wouldn’t have happened and his life would have been very different if I wasn’t a fucking idiot and left his father. He would have been a very different 22 year old had me and his father stayed together.

My life has been shit too, but I deserve it.

Oh and that man who turned my head and I was sooooo in love with? Turns out, he’s a cunt and he’s ruined my mental health and life.

My ex, who is still a good man and has always been an excellent father and co parent, thankfully met a lovely woman who he’s very happy with.

It’s a crush. It will pass. And it’s not worth it.

This isn’t happiness though, this is momentary madness.

I’m happily married, in a 17 year marriage, where yes, the spark and the excitement has changed after all this time.

But I have friends in their 40s who have left long relationships and are out there dating. The pickings of single men are a bit grim. They are all the controlling, cheating losers that have been cut loose by other women, a few commitment phobes and a handful of decent ones, possibly like your Dh.

Could you get some hook ups out of it? Probably, when you don’t have children to look after. But the men who no other woman wants heading into middle age aren’t the ones who are going to make your heart swell. And they probably aren’t the sort you’re going to want to grow old with. By all means, end your marriage, but only do it to be alone. Not for some heady mirage that’s going to disappear pretty quickly once you’ve blown your life up. If it’s a truly unhappy marriage, the prospect of growing old alone should feel like relief. If it doesn’t, it sounds like you’re making a dumb decision.

Smacks of a mid-life crisis.

Stop looking at other men and start looking at your husband! Not being interested in sex and finding him a bit irritating is as others have said is life and marriage as you get older.

Your children would never forgive you.

I think you’re asking the wrong question. You wouldn’t be breaking up your marriage to have a blissful relationship with this other guy in some magic ‘happy ever after’. You have no idea what’s going on in his head. All you know is that he flirted and has now gone cold. You’re interpreting this as him being hurt that you started avoiding him when he has significant feelings for you, but you don’t know that — could be he has a habit of targeting married women and dropped you when it was clear you weren’t going to drop your knickers. Could be that he just got bored. Could be he’s transferred his attentions elsewhere.

If you decide to end your marriage because you’re unhappy, you should be thinking in terms of whether a life lived solo with your children shared 50/50 between you and your ex would be better. Not comparing your marriage with an imaginary relatiinship with your crush.

I’m going to be the person who says the opposite to all other posters. Life is for feeling alive, not sleepwalking into soul crushing despair.
You aren’t in love with your husband.
No nice house will change that.
Is it better to split and feel real happiness?
Not necessarily with the man who turned your head but with anyone or on your own.
I had a very similar past to you, even the calling things off and then getting scared and going on to have children.
You don’t know if adult you would have fallen for adult him and that’s the problem. It’s not like you fell in love as adults, fully formed and having played the field, you haven’t had that. So it’s not like the sex has dropped off because you’re both a bit busy or tired.
The sex has dropped because he feels like your brother.
Im on my own now and I love it. I love my space, my bed, my freedom. I love laughing with my friends and travelling and seeing what happens next. I’ve stayed ok with my ex and my kids see him whenever they want. They’ve never had to compromise except we have less money and their dad doesn’t see them every morning. We even rent a place at Xmas and on birthdays so he can see them and we can be a family unit again.
It can be done but prepare to be tired and broke. Dating won’t even cross your mind!

I think it would be really selfish to throw your children's family away because you fancy someone else (and that's all a spark is, fancying someone).

I think what you’re describing is life, it does get boring and mundane. You’ve had your head turned and you are imagining a great, passionate future with someone you don’t know. I’ve seen this play out so many times with friends where the man has had his head turned and left and it’s nearly always worked out worse for the person doing the leaving.

No one is saying you should stay in an unhappy marriage but do you really want to blow your kids life up because you’re bored? Remember the grass is greenest where you water it, take time to reconnect with your DH and put the effort in with him and then if you do that and still don’t feel different make a decision then and be prepared to be by yourself.

If you start an affair and leave your DH your children probably wont forgive you and you will be dealing with a lot more than boredom due to the fallout on your family.

the intensity of the crush is most likely a direct reflection of what you feel missing from your existing relationship -- I'd be pretty willing to bet it's got very little to do with the actual man himself

This sounds really tough, but I’d echo other posters and encourage you to stay and work on your marriage, at least until the children are 18. A lack of passion is much less severe than breaking up a family and pursuing a momentary crush. If he’s a decent man who is affectionate to you and a good parent to your children I’d really try to make it work. If you still feel you can’t bear the marriage once your girls have grown up then that would be the time to try separating. Good luck OP, I hope you can find that spark again with DH.

It’s a crush and not real love. It’s all fun and happy to imagine what could be until kids, mortgages, work, real life etc.

You really need to understand the difference between the two and move forward.

100% this

One of the beautiful things about marriage is its being unwavering. Not unwavering romance (that comes and goes at different life stages), but unwavering commitment. I feel so secure in the fact that my husband can see me at my worst but he won’t ditch me. That means I need to extend the same grace to him.

Obviously abuse or abandonment are separate issues that completely justify the dissolution of a marriage.

But just not fancying someone anymore when they’re still a committed partner and a great parent? Friend, welcome to middle age. The feelings may come back. I hope they do! But even if they don’t, there’s a lot to be grateful for in a stable life.

I followed the passion, though I would not say my first marriage was wonderful. Indeed, looking back, my ex spent most of it gaslighting me as the reason for his lack of professional and financial success. I don't regret leaving but the passion didn't last. I met another man and we were very happy until he died last year - but that was luck, not judgement and I would have been better choosing to leave an unhappy marriage accepting I would be alone, than chasing a momentary passion.
Your DH is not gaslighting you, and you have a happy home, not a miserable one. Passion is momentary. Love changes over time but it is still love - try focussing on your DH, perhaps go away together, before you decide to end the marriage.

if I’m honest I’m struggling to understand that if you know what it’s like to come from a divorced family why you’d want to put your own children through that?

I didn’t instigate my divorce - my ex husband was effectively you - he acted on his perceived unhappiness however and im now dealing with a very very emotionally scarred eldest child who is suffering anxiety and panic attacks and vehemently hates my ex husband for breaking up our family. The children’s lives are changed forever and I think it’s a pretty selfish thing to do when your husband sounds like a pretty decent chap