To ask you for your best advice protecting children from harm?

[Roxee]

Just that really. Having read other threads on here, it scares me a bit how complacent some users are with suggesting that abusers are no risk, and heartens me some of the really good advice on here (I.e: about talking to children about 'tricky people')

The best advice I ever got was that once someone shows any pervy behaviour, is that most child sexual abuse is about access rather than preference. Most children get abused by men who aren't specifically sexually interested in children, but will just male do with sexually abusing whoever they can get their hands on, so any adult with a history of dodgy behaviour, even if it doesn't involve children, should be avoided keep them away from your children, as the vast majority of people who sexually abuse children are opportunistic sexual predators who just abuse whoever they can get their hands on, rather than specifically having a sexual attraction to children.

That advice meant I kept DC away from very 'nice' and charming seeming man who would later go to prison for raping children.

So please tell me your best advice on child safety, it really could help someone protect their kids

Also: think outside the box. I’ll give an example. My DD is 11 and has some lovely friends but a couple of dodgy ones I’m not keen on who seem to be troublemakers and ringleaders. The other day DD got very overly upset - she asked if I would be very angry if she was late to a lesson due to her friends pressuring her to be late. I said yes, that whilst I understand peer pressure to be very intense, lateness is rude and disruptive and I’d expect her to stand up for herself (she certainly does with me) and not cave, even when these 2 girls are calling her “goody two shoes”. Anyway, she was crying her eyes out about how hard peer pressure is and how she is worried about being an outcast if she doesn’t go along with them when they’re misbehaving. I thought it was such an overreaction to a concept of potentially being late for a lesson and put it down to raging hormones.

Anyway I was laying in bed that night and the penny dropped. I asked her the next day if it was REALLY about just being late or if they were pressuring her over something more. I told her I would be angry or judge, I just wanted the truth. She told me they’d been talking about trying vapes and when she said she wouldn’t wanna do it they started making fun of her, saying she’s a goody two shoes and if she didn’t try one if they did they’d ditch her as a friend. She was basically testing the water with me with a “lesser” problem.

If your gut is telling you something is not right, it’s usually right. If they don’t react to people or situations on a rational way it’s for a reason and you have to be very careful when wheedling information out. If you have an indication that they’re in trouble they won’t tell you a thing

I know people whine that this shames women but it’s so true (sadly I speak from experience from my mum doing this). There needs to be MORE shame around inviting random blokes to live with kids.

I use the social experiment in the Park with the puppy when training on Child Protection. It's very useful as he's a young good looking guy not the traditional scary bogey man. I will need to look for the ice cream van one as well x

Keep them off screens.

300million children are groomed and abused online. It’s a hidden epidemic.

You’ve got way more chance of abuse happening online than with some random bogeyman in the park but oddly parents just don’t seem to care.

Good post. I was also sexually assaulted repeatedly aged nine in a setting my parents sent me to. And my inability to tell was exactly as you describe. I’m sorry it happened to you too.

I’ve spoken at length about not taking sweets from strangers, but there are loads of cafes, or barbers etc where the staff give a lollipop to my kids, with a wink and a smile for being good. I wish they wouldn't. It tramples the message.

This is one where the rule was “if the adult you’re with says it’s ok”. My kids would always look to me if someone offered them a sweet or biscuit - if I’m there and say it’s ok then it’s fine. If I’m not there, it’s not fine.

We needed to have some consistent rules about accepting gifts, hugging etc because of my DC particular needs and they watched me for what was and wasn’t ok. It’s one of the reasons domestic abuse is so harmful to kids - even if they never see overt abuse, they see and feel the dynamic and it gives them a internal model of what relationships feel like. If we teach them relationships should feel scary or anxiety provoking they look for people who make them feel that way and so it goes on.

The most protective thing we can do is teach our kids that safe relationships feel safe, when it doesn’t feel safe, it’s time to end it.

To not introduce new strangers (boyfriends) into their lives when they are too young to understand dodgy behaviours.

Agree! Times have changed and unfortunately not for the better.

I can never forget that disgusting paedophile Richard Huckle who abused so many children in third world countries. So many are exploited and abused by paedophiles. (Gary Glitter for example).

Paedophiles are everywhere. Maybe in your family and community.. a lot of them target single mothers and build a relationship to have access to their children. A lot of them can have access to your children through school sports for example.

Best thing to do is watch your kids like a hawk and be open with them. Let them be comfortable to talk to you about everything. Even then there is no guarantee!

I was absolutely going to say this. Open dialogue, no secrets etc.

Respect. Which starts from babyhood. No not the ridiculous thing about not changing a nappy if baby doesn’t “consent” etc. But genuine respect of a baby as being an individual who should be respected from the word go… not left to cry or passed like a parcel from person to person. Listen to your child and respond to them- show them their actions create reactions. Set boundaries with love and communicate all the time. Explore feelings and emotions and help them learn words to describe how things make them feel or why they do what they do. Genuine connections and respect are so so important and yet often we override our children for the sake of society or politeness (ignore them crying at the school gate- force them in, crying with a teacher if necessary… make them sit on old uncle Jim’s knee or kiss auntie betty because she gave you an Easter egg… do what you’re told, eat up your food… so many automatic childhood interactions are actually not respectful. Challenge this but the respect goes both ways- raise a polite and thoughtful child. Not a snowflake spoilt brat.

it’s bloody hard though and it’s not possible to get it right 100% of the time. But if you have that respect and communication, then when things DO go wrong or your child DOES feel unhappy they will come to you and be able to talk and know you’ll listen.

Make sure they’re clear that you will always come and get them / sort out a safe way home.

Theyre far more likely to come to harm trying to get somewhere than they are from passing interactions with another member of your community.

Early on that means teaching them address and phone number and who to go to ask for help. Later on that means reinforcing the ‘if you want to leave, you can, we’ll get you home safe / I’ll pick you up’. Heads off the teenage drunk driver lifts issue.

A different type of harm, but one that most definitely hurts children is when parents split acrimoniously, and then slag the other parent off to the children.

It's like a game of one upmanship between the parents, trying to score points against each other. It is the children in the middle of all this who end up hurt.

I haven't read all of the answers, but I have taught my children that if they are hurt/worried/someone is touching them they need to tell TWO adults.

I've worked with people who were abused, and the horror of telling an adult who does not help them is so damaging. To disclose and then still have to suffer the abuse, is so horrific.

I've explained that they need to always tell TWO adults, as the first person might not react in the way they should.

I've named other adults (female friends) who will take their concerns seriously.

I'm divorced, their dad lives 5 hours away. I have no control of who they see there. I don't have specific concerns, but I can't guarantee their aunt/grandparents/family friends/step families are safe. I also can't guarantee that they will respond appropriately to a disclosure.

Also agree with PP who said anyone who dismisses or doesn't take concerns eg Micheal Jackson seriously is not a safe person and will excuse abuse.

Also, very clear about what abuse is. Agency over their bodies, not making them hug/kiss family members.

Give them the option, and the confidence, to say "No" and to express their own thoughts and feelings.

You might regret this when they're five and refusing to put on their shoes because of XYZ, but it's one way that they might be able to keep themselves out of dangerous situations later on.

It sounds so small and trivial to some answers given, but the ability to stand up for your unwavering beliefs- especially in a group of others who disagree with you- is huge.

The biggest risk to a child is a step parent. So do not move a partner into your home with your children.

Do you have children? Teenagers? @Th30ry55 ?

Who needs “advice” to keep their children away from someone displaying pervy behaviour?!

and as for the family encouraging you Op to carry on seeing this pervy person…. Seriously? You continue to have a relationship with people who actively encourage you to expose your children to perverts.

no words

Signal that your child is protected, regularly and loudly. It’s actually an institutional practice but works in the family/social circle as well.

In institutions, having posters, announcements, regular references and conversations about safeguarding signals ‘this institution is not a soft target’.

At home, saying, ‘That’s enough tickling, she doesn’t like it. Come here, Jenny. Grandma knows you don’t have to kiss her when you don’t want to. Fred said no, Dad.’.

’Jenny doesn’t sit on people’s laps anymore, she’s gotten such a big girl now!’

It’s not just the boundary or the protection, it’s the announcement that helps. Uncle Bob sees that Jenny has someone watching over her.
In contrast to, ‘Give uncle Bob a kiss, Jenny! He hasn’t seen you since you were a baby!’.

I am so grateful that not one member of my family is even remotely like this. Never has a kids or a hug been thrust on my child. Never has my child been invited to sit on an uncle’s lap.

I think the guy is called Joey Salads. He's on Facebook.

I knew his name but will check out his FB thanks 😊