Say no to sponsor request?

[LittleMissLotsToLearn]

I want to say no to sponsoring a friend but don’t know whether that’s petty or unreasonable. If not, do I avoid the conversation or actually say no?

this is a long term (school) friend. I’m inclined to resentment so try to match energy/effort from friends to prevent this. I have been reducing effort towards her over recent years because of general imbalance but we still keep in touch fairly regularly.

specific Context:This friend missed my big birthday bash - she avoided rsvp until she booked a family holiday and couldn’t come (fine - reasonable priority imo), then forgot, no card, no text, no donation to the charity close to our hearts (child related) instead of gifts. Then messaged weeks later asking what gift I wanted. I said not to worry.

she now (over a year later) wants me to sponsor her for an event raising money close for a charity close to her heart (child related).

what would you do? I don’t want to but I think maybe that’s just petty/pathetic. I feel a lot of guilt around this friend and have to talk myself into the logic that I make generally more effort and have lower expectations of visits/support/gifts etc.

Are you saying that you think your friend behaved badly, so you now what to behave badly and you feel justified in doing so?

That really isn't logical in my view. Your friend didn't behave well, but that doesn't give you a free pass to not behaving well yourself.

Give, or dont. But it's illogical to base your behaviour on "well, they did it, so I'm going to".

Is it an individual message to you or a mass request to many? Very easy to ignore the latter

How much would she be ‘expecting ‘ you to sponsor ? Personally I’d throw £20 at it and not give it another thought considering it’s a children’s charity.

Admittedly her gesture was weeks late, but she did follow up and ask you about a gift and you turned your nose up at it.

You being petty last year and refusing her gift to your preferred charity did the charity out of money and made you bitter. I'd suggest working on that.

Live a Life that represents the sort of person you want to be. Do you want to be a petty person who doubles down on not supporting a charity donation for the sake of not being resentful (which you clearly already are)?

Not exactly - it’s more that I’m trying to find some balance / equality rather than feeling that she generally takes advantage. I’ve tried to reduce effort/energy to match other elements - is this different because it’s charity?

For clarity, it was an individual message, not general.
I didn’t turn my nose up at money for the charity - the donations had closed as it was a month after my birthday and I said not to worry about getting a gift so far after.
This is someone who typically asks a lot of me and offers much less in return. Is the difference that it’s charity or that I should be continuing to give more in general and not fuss about it?

I think you’re overthinking it a bit.
Is it a charity you’d otherwise be happy to donate to? If so stick a tenner in and leave it at that.
If it’s not then either ignore or politely say you don't have the budget at the moment or something similar. No big deal.

Petty.

Either:

• Make a donation and don't think more about it. It's a charity and hopefully someone more in need will benefit as a result
• Give a vague 'yes sure I'll sort that out soon' and don't do anything more

Ignore it unless you want tobsupport the charity

If you feel this way about her, why are you friends with her? You don't sound like you like her very much.

You are holding a grudge over something which happened more than a year ago and keeping score on your assessment of the effort you both put into the friendship?

This is not a friendship and it doesn't seem particularly good for you.

I'd tell her you are not in a position to sponsor her at the moment. Give the money to your preferred charity if it makes you feel better about her lack of effort last year and then let this friendship fade.

To be clear, it’s the imbalance in expectations I dislike.

I would try to separate out your feelings of resentment towards your friend from the charity sponsorship issue.

Imagine that the person raising money was someone you were much less close to, such as a colleague or a neighbour. Would you sponsor them? Is it a charity you're happy to give your money to? If so, sponsor her. It doesn't have to be a huge amount.

If you don't sponsor her, she might notice and be annoyed by it, but she won't necessarily think it is deliberate or connect it to her own lack of investment in your friendship.

I would probably donate a token amount and then think about how much effort you want to make with her going forward.

This wouldn't be the hill I would choose to die on.

Tell her you're all sponsored out this year and maybe next year.

Agree with @BendingSpoons .I totally get that you feel that the relationship is unbalanced and you’re actively making a shift away from that. But I don’t think this is necessarily the occasion to redress the balance. You don’t need to donate but if it’s causing you this much worry then just do it and move on.

You're breathtakingly petty

I’m not keen on sponsoring people in general. We give to the charities we prefer already.
I usually find people want you to sponsor them for something they want to do anyway and they aren’t actually giving any of their own money to charity - just doing something they find fun and getting other people to give their money.
I prefer to choose my own giving.

Just tell her you have some big unexpected expenses at the moment so you and DH have agreed to cut back on spending, but that you wish her lots of,luck and will be rooting for her.

Just ignore the request and don’t respond to it.

youre petty

I ls it her birthday too?
I would try to inject an air of honesty in my response. I would offer no donation bu a message of support eg.

‘Best wishes for the ‘event’ there’s a great feel good factor in helping others’ x

Agree with this - match her energy, just ignore all her requests/reminders.

Two things you could do… Ignore the request and see if she chases you. (Probably will…) Then bung her £1. Insulting, makes a statement.

I tell people I have 2 or 3 charities I'm supporting at the moment so am focusing my giving there. So you could try that.

That way you don't come across as really mean.

I hate being asked to sponsor people - it really feels as if you've been put on the spot.