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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to see estranged parent in hospital

13 replies

badwithnumbers · 25/04/2025 14:02

Estranged from parent - my choice due to years of abuse, constant abandonment etc. Haven't seen them in 20+ years. Sibling has asked me to go to hospital to see them on death bed. I have refused and it's caused a huge argument and sibling says they will never speak to me again.

This feels so emotionally complex - I am not sad that they are dying but it feels emotionally difficult regardless. But I cannot support sibling through this grieving process as if it is a parent I loved.

OP posts:
Rainbow1901 · 25/04/2025 14:16

You can support your sibling but you don't need to see the estranged parent if it will upset your peace of mind or mental health.
I'm sorry it's caused a huge argument but in this case I feel that it is your sibling that needs you to do this for them. Has the parent has asked to see you? They may want to mend bridges or whatever to give them peace of mind but it does not mean that you have to see them.
You can be honest and tell your sibling that you cannot grieve for them in the same way as they will and that you don't want this to affect your relationship with them which is a separate issue to the estrangement. Is it just you two? Or are there other siblings?

Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2025 14:19

I didn't go when my father was dying.
I hadn't seen him for around 4 years and had no wish to ever again. My brother said he thought I might regret it but didn't push me to go.
I don't regret not seeeing him or not going to his funeral
Your sibling is understandably upset OP but have no more right to insist you do go than you have to insist they don't

toomuchfaff · 25/04/2025 15:19

sibling says they will never speak to me again.

This is manipulation. Explain that although you're happy to support them through their grief and pain, your experience of this death isn't theirs to command. You won't go to see parent, you won't be manipulated. They should let you decide how you "grieve" just as you are not dictating their grief.

After all you're not saying "ill never speak to you again because you're at the bedside. Don't let them command your actions. You stay away if that's what you want to do.

stripedrollerskates · 25/04/2025 15:20

toomuchfaff · 25/04/2025 15:19

sibling says they will never speak to me again.

This is manipulation. Explain that although you're happy to support them through their grief and pain, your experience of this death isn't theirs to command. You won't go to see parent, you won't be manipulated. They should let you decide how you "grieve" just as you are not dictating their grief.

After all you're not saying "ill never speak to you again because you're at the bedside. Don't let them command your actions. You stay away if that's what you want to do.

Edited

Agree with this.

It’s ok to do what is best for you.

Chipsahoy · 25/04/2025 15:26

I anticipate similar when mine go and all I can say is that you must stick to your boundaries. You cannot control what your sibling thinks or feels. They are highly emotional and upset, so not thinking rationally or objectively. Send them love and stick to your guns.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/04/2025 15:32

Your sibling is being unfair. Why are they insisting that you visit your estranged parent who was abusive and abandoned you? Was this parent different with your sibling, or were they treated the same as you but has forgiven them?

They have no right to threaten and emotionally blackmail you. Stick to your guns. Your dying parent doesn't deserve to have a deathbed reunion with the daughter he abused.

OriginalUsername2 · 25/04/2025 15:47

You don’t do it. You tell sibling that it’s been 20 years and it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to be there. If you want, support your sibling but stand firm on this and keep repeating it. If they say she wants it, you say that you’re not able to do it. You don’t need to explain why.

You really have to trust yourself here.

outerspacepotato · 25/04/2025 16:09

Your sibling is trying to bully you and manipulate you by threats of never seeing you again.

Your sibling is free to see their dad and grieve. They aren't free to try to force your involvement.

It might be time to step back, sib sounds like there's some dysfunction going on.

abracadabra1980 · 25/04/2025 16:15

Your sibling is clearly the type of person who can't see a situation through anyone else's eyes. How you feel is absolutely understandable. Stand your ground.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 25/04/2025 16:23

It appears that your sibling hasn't fallen very far from the tree.

I'm also guessing that they were the golden child and you were the scapegoat.

Cynic17 · 25/04/2025 16:33

You are absolutely right, OP. Don't visit your parent.
If your sibling wants your support, you can still do that at a different location.

PassingStranger · 25/04/2025 16:44

Say bye bye to your sibling then
It's up to you not her
Not much of a sister if she dosent respect your decision.

Original poster
badwithnumbers · 27/04/2025 09:43

Thanks everyone. Appreciate your support, and now I feel assured that I am not being unreasonable.

Weirdly, I was the golden child (until I told them enough is enough of course) but before then witnessed constant abuse towards the rest of my family. My mum and I are very close and she has never recovered from the trauma so she is my focus, not this other 'parent'.

I think my sibling is unable to empathise, as a PP said.

OP posts:
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