To ask what is is like to be the new woman

[Allornothingg]

Just that really, my ex and I were together for almost 20 years but I think towards the end he started gravitating towards the new woman and within weeks after the breakup kids were introduced etc, holidays. This is a year on now so i
am over it and happy for them etc but i just wondered if you have ever been the new woman in this situation and did it all work out ok? It’s very quick to jump into a new relationship after such a long time and I am only just starting to think about a relationship with somebody else

I think you’re taking this far too personally, OP. Respectfully, this relationship isn’t about you in any way.

The person that it has in common is, obviously, your ex, and over the years, I’ve seen relationships that started as affairs or that started very quickly after the end of a long marriage develop in all kinds of directions. There’s no pattern. Some work long and well, but in others I’ve seen male friends lapse back into the same lazy habits that made them think they were bored in their first marriages.

One friend who’d been a sofabound, passive, routine-obsessed gamer during his marriage briefly turned into a passionate, ‘spontaneous weekend in Paris’ type in his new relationship, but appears to have reverted to type now they’re a few years in.

Not happy but I don’t feel anything for it now. I was a mess in the beginning

I moved on quickly from my 22 year marriage because - like others upthread - I did the bulk of the grieving within the relationship. That said, I had only casual relationships for the following three years. I wanted and needed time for myself, and for life to be lived on my own terms.

In contrast, my ex was devastated and shocked by the end of our marriage (he hadn’t been listening…) yet managed to move on to a serious relationship within three months of our separation. I was doubtful it would last and I felt sorry for the new woman. However, years later they are together and happy and, from what I can see, they are much better matched than he and I ever were. I am happy for them (and relieved that I don’t have to worry about his wellbeing anymore!)

I really think so. Women seem to need time to grieve the loss of a relationship. Men seem to want to move on immediately. I know men who've been bereaved and have a new girlfriend within a couple of months. I do find it odd.

I met dh 3m after he split with his ex because she was shagging someone else. We got engaged quickly and were together till he died.

The quickest to move on tends to be the one who'd already checked out of the relationship/initiates the split.

And a lot of people will try and cure heartbreak with a rebound. Plenty of men and women jump straight back in.

Women are single by choice, men aren’t.

I think women are put off having relationships because why would you want to go back to the same situation? Men need someone to pick up after them.

Plenty of women are single but want to be in a relationship. Plenty of men are single by choice..not every straight man wants to be in a relationship with a woman.

It's easier for women to find someone though generally and men are a lot less picky. Plus as women get older they've often had enough of men if a marriage breaks down or they haven't met the right one.

Moving on so quickly makes you wonder if the person doing it really felt (feels?) love at all.

I wonder if men do move on quicker. You read / hear many stories of men who are long term heart broken or damaged by being dumped. Then there are the more troubling men who won’t accept they have been dumped and pursue their ex to the point of stalking and beyond. The men who detach but resent and bad mouth their ex for ever more.

I suspect many of the men that seemingly move on quickly had emotionally checked out of the relationship long before they left and probably long before their partner was even aware of any change. I think some men compartmentalise their emotions more than women do and are more pragmatic about utilising a dead relationship until they have a better situation to move on to.

I think it really does depend. I know two men who were both widowed in their 40’s. Both of them met someone else and they both remarried within a year.

The first time I was shocked.

Both women died suddenly in traumatic circumstances and I wondered why they were able to meet and marry so soon and had they not been widowed, would they have at some point divorced. Or was it a coping mechanism to survive their loss.

I'm tempted to be cynical but I think there are key points in our life where we just jump because we are at the end of ine chapter and the start of another.

My parents split and very quickly moved on around their 40th birthdays. Both with their new partners 25+ years now.

My husband and I were both out of long term relationships (8ish years) and got together less than 2 months later. We were both in our late 20s and thinking "if we don't split up now we will be having children with the wrong people".

So I'm both a cynic but also a great believer in life chapters.

My bf was about 6 months out of a 12 year relationship when we met. They cancelled their wedding and no kids involved so nothing legal to contend with. I was really wary to begin with to be honest, but we were both very open with each other about everything. It wasn’t easy, for a while he was scared about committing and being hurt again, whereas I had been single for years so was looking for my person to settle down with. Ultimately we are very well suited and things are working out great. I would hate for people to think he rushed into another relationship or rebounded, when a lot of thought and consideration went into it.

Yes that was me. Although not by choice. Met a great guy who said he was 6 months out of a very long relationship, which I was dubious about but he reassured me he was ready to date.
Then 6 months later when helping him move from a rented bachelor flat (where he said he’d been for a year) into a house things didn’t add up. I’d met his parents and sister, many times and wondered why they weren’t that friendly. Not met his kids as I thought it was too soon.
Turns out he’d gone on a family holiday with wife of 20 years and kids, his wife had ended things whilst away, he’d come back and joined OLD. We met less than 3 weeks later (in the meantime moving into a flat as she wouldn’t have him in the house) and he’d lied for a living! He then ghosted me when I found out his lies.
But came back 3 months later telling me he’d made a huge mistake and I was the love of his life. He was kicked to the kerb.

Aww I’m sorry that happened to you. Hope you’re with a decent man now