Wealth and Time gap relationship

[knockitonthehead]

NC
I have been seeing an amazing man for a short while (<6 months). In my dating bio I added that I was time poor and unable to be spontaneous, due to children. I have 4, 3 are mid to late teen and a primary age. Obviously, I am the sole earner for the house. Their dad is wealthy but pays himself minimum wage so no child support. I have a good job but claim a small amount of UC as I am unable to work more due to dad not partaking in school runs and they go to a village with no transport.

Back to this man. He is childless, approaching 50, very good job. Likes the finer things in life (lower end of this scale would be coffee in a cafetière each morning, all organic food). My perfect partner if I had also remained childless, and I adore our time spent at his which feels like a sanctuary. He really takes care of me, ensuring I’m nourished and pampered. However, my disposable income is a fraction of his, I have fun money but if my car broke down I’d be screwed. His ex-wife earned more than him.

The last BH I had a few nights child free. He asked about going away. To the Canaries. I’d only have to pay for my flights. When I checked, as it was last minute, they were £500! I said no and we spent a lovely weekend at his. However, during this weekend he mentioned he needs a holiday, as he used to have 3 a year so may take himself off to a high end resort. I’m fine with that, genuinely, and I won’t begrudge someone a holiday. I haven’t been on a plane for 7 years.

I have some extended time at Christmas and he has spoken about going away together. I was thinking cosy UK cottage. He’s thinking the far east. Last night we had a brief chat, and he asked if we were holiday compatible. I reminded him that I only had a few years of adult life before children, compared to his 32, so I wasn’t sure what sort of holidays I’d like now as a “child free” adult, which he seemed to take on board. However, as I left last night I said we should talk about Christmas and he shut the conversation down, saying it’s too far to think about. Not for me if I need to make funds available though.

I’m torn. I feel guilty that I’m taking up a space that someone with more time and money could be better suited. I always offer to pay my way when we’re out by buying drinks, parking, coffees etc. But I can’t help feeling I’m holding him back. Everything else is perfect aside from this lifestyle clash.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

You just need to be direct.

“I do not have the money for holidays, as I am raising four children on a low income”

He either accepts that and you don’t holiday together / he pays to take you with him, or it makes you incompatible due to lifestyle and you move on.

Spell it clearly you have 4 children , no financial support and rely on universal credit.
As a result your disposal income is too low to do the holidays he is accustomed to.

If he knows your financial situation he’s being inconsiderate and faux naive (‘holiday compatible’!).

He should pay for you, go on holidays without you, or end the relationship if he only wants to date wealthier women.

If he wants you to go he has to pay. If he resents that he needs to find a different partner not raising 4 kids on a low income. But don't overstretch yourself or feel guilty that you can't do this. Can nothing be done about the CMS? That's the root of the issue here.

Agree with @MidnightPatrol you need to be blunt. 'I cannot afford expensive holidays, so if that is a deal breaker then you need to say so now.'

I had the same issue, a boyfriend was more affluent than me. We were ok until his dd turned 18 and flew the nest. I still had full time care of a 9yo and school run and working full time. I couldn't whisk off to Paris or New York when I felt like it.

It didn't work. He got resentful and I got stressed.

Agreed.

"I have kids and massive outgoings.
We are holiday compatible in that i love these types of holidays but can't afford them right now.
My budget is x, if you want something fancier go with a friend or it needs to be my Christmas present / treat.
If none of those options work in the short/mid term and theres no compromise to be had you need to find someone else.

If he really wants you to come and has the means to pay for it why doesn't he invite you? I would say the same thing if the roles were inversed. He can obviously see that you have 4 children to take care of with a deadbeat dad who doesn't contribute at all so you don't have the same disposal income. I think he's being tight tbh because I would have invited you if I were him.

It does sound like you are holiday incompatible. You don’t have the time or the money to go on the holidays he wants to go on. I think you just need to decide if you are happy with this. He could go on the holidays he chooses and you could have a cheaper UK break together?

I don’t think it is reasonable to expect him to only holiday in the UK. He is going to want to holiday with his partner, and most people are going to want to travel abroad.

Either you need to get on the front foot with this and find some overseas sun deals for Christmas. Take back a bit of control, you’re not suggesting the far east, but maybe Greece or something. Otherwise accept that this relationship doesn’t have legs.

Because they’ve only been together 6 months. He’s already offered to pay for her accommodation on one holiday, and she didn’t want to pay for the flights. It’s a bit much to expect him to pick up the whole tab.

This unfortunately isn’t temporary - you have years and years ahead of being tied to school holidays and it will be a few years possibly before you aren’t tied to the restrictions of the school run. So you need to be really direct right now and spell out your financial situation. Perhaps he’s never been in a place where £500 was a problem and he just doesn’t understand what you mean when you say you ‘have a budget’.

I find it a bit odd that when he asked if you were "holiday compatible" you started talking about how you haven't had a child free holiday for years rather than mentioning the obvious difference- budget!

Don't feel torn though. It's not up to you to finish it to "leave a space free" for someone else!

I might get shot down for this but I think he should pay for you if he wants to do things that you can’t afford.

I would 100% pay for my partner if I had lots of surplus income and they didn’t. I wouldn’t support a freeloader but you are clearly not one. You are working but you have commitments.

That aside -

I think you need to be honest with him. I would go as far as giving him number -

I earn X, I spend Y on etc etc. I have Z left at the end of the month.

Try to be factual and not defensive. Tell him you really enjoy his company and hope that you can find a way to share experiences you both enjoy.

Don’t apologise and don’t do yourself down. You are not ‘taking someone else’s place’ he clearly likes being with you. Be honest, be clear but hold your head high, you have no reason not to.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about your finances so that his expectations are realistic. It might be that you just have to holiday separately for the foreseeable future.

I had 2 young children ( 7 and 9) when I met my second husband. He paid for all the holidays because he earned a huge amount and was a childless widower. When we moved in together he paid off my mortgage in full. If your partner is expecting you to pay for things equally then the relationship isn't going to work. I was a teacher and my exhusband was unemployed for 2 years. No universal credit in those days. If he hadn't paid the children and I couldn't have gone

I'm sensing that he might be about to pull the plug on the relationship. It sounds like he likes you, but it is dawning on him what the set up will be going forwards. Neither of you are doing anything wrong - as you say, you just have incompatible lifestyles / finances.

Does accommodation really count though? You're paying for that anyway and I assume they'd be sharing a room. I also agree though that he shouldn't have to pay for it all. I think it's a tough one, maybe you are financially incompatible. I would feel the same if I always has to go to crappy restaurants because my partner couldn't afford nicer ones

I'm embarrassed for him that he lets you pay for parking when he's got a really good job and no dependents and you are bringing up four children on your own. I don't think this is ever going to work, OP, sorry.

The next BH I am taking him to my family’s UK beach house. I’ve said that we should have a realistic chat then.
I really like him, and it’s clear he likes me. I’ve already gently said we have mismatched incomes, as well as time. I’ve made it very clear, very early on that our lives are quite different.
He does not come from a wealthy family, and we worked together in the service industry many many years ago (it was only through conversations we realised we “knew” each other).
His brother has children and remarks how skint his brother is due to restrictions on working as he does school runs.
I think I just need to give him a reality check.
@healthybychristmasI offer and insist. I was financially abused by my ex who used money as an emotional tool so feel I need to pay my way however I can.

I wouldn’t wait for the nice weekend away to have the tricky conversation about your financial constraints. If he’s really into you he will understand and work around it. If he likes you but not all that much it’d be better for you to know that as soon as possible.

Could you set yourself a sensible holiday budget OP and tell him what it is? (Eg. 300 pounds over the next 6 months). Then he can decide whether he wants to match it and you have cheaper holidays or put more in and have more expensive holidays together? Then with your combined budget you could look at different options.

Think this is a great suggestion. Actually reminded me that my husband and I did this years and years ago before we were living together - we actually each had stretches where we earned better and we did a sort of proportional kitty for a couple of holidays - I put in more when I was the higher earner and then it was his turn. I know it's much more complicated for adults when there are children involved, etc. but it's a good starting point.

I think it's a bit of a caution though that he's saying 'maybe' talk about Christmas though as perhaps he doesn't think you'll still be together at the end of the year. It is really early days yet so planning too far ahead is a bit preemptive. Could just save whatever would be reasonable for you to save regardless and either use it to go somewhere together or to take your kids away somewhere in the UK?

I think he’s really not reading the room here OP presumably he knows your financial position. I also think he wants a travel buddy (& there’s nothing wrong with that) but feel like you’re not really established enough to be going on long haul holidays just yet? That he’s suggesting these now without seemingly realising you’re not able to afford them is a bit of a turn off tbh. Feels like he wants his nice holidays back & not really seeing the person in front of him. I hope I’m wrong but there’s a mismatch in your circumstances & given that he’s not also valuing your company over material things & either pair down what you do together, like a lovely cottage or conversely offer to pay a greater share of the holiday, to get to spend amazing time with you - then it smacks of someone not able to accomodate to your needs. So he may be Mr Perfect on paper, but I think this is useful insight into how & who he really is. Sorry!

You have less income than him and far more responsibility. If he can’t work with that the relationship is off. He scales down his holidays or pays for you. There’s no other option.

We’ve had a brief chat today about it, I put forward a different destination which he agreed would be nice to visit. He asked about budget to which I said it’s a conversation to be had in person when we are actually looking together. However, he did say he would want to go deluxe but would cover my portion of any upgrade required.