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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He effectively said he’d lie to me

38 replies

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 20:34

AIBU please?

My DP was talking today about how one of his friends had a cleaner. The cleaner arrived early and DP’s friend was just getting out of the shower: long story short, the woman offered DP’s friend a ‘massage’. He declined and told my DP - who said that his friend shouldn’t tell his wife.

When I asked why my DP had said not to tell his wife, he replied that the cleaner didn’t deserve to lose her job because of ‘a mistake’ and that the wife would probably ‘overreact’ and sack the cleaner.

I think it’s pretty fundamental in a relationship to communicate about things like this and asked if he’d do the same to me - he said he’d have to think ‘carefully’ about this.

We have gone around in circles and now I am starting to doubt my sanity - this is something that shouldn’t be withheld from your partner isn’t it? Like if someone in your home has acted in a way incompatible with your relationship, then this should be discussed?

However, I would appreciate other perspectives please. Thank you so much in advance.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 24/04/2025 21:17

Too add, your partner has no idea how he'd react whenever faced with unwanted attention, you're getting upset about a hypothetical situation..

Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 21:18

You are very vulnerable op

I hope you have good friends and family

LoremIpsumCici · 24/04/2025 21:25

this is something that shouldn’t be withheld from your partner isn’t it? Like if someone in your home has acted in a way incompatible with your relationship, then this should be discussed?

How is the cleaner sexually harassing either one of you “incompatible with your relationship”? I personally believe it is always the victim’s choice who to tell and when. A partner doesn’t have the automatic right to know everything that happened to or happens to you.

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 21:29

LoremIpsumCici · 24/04/2025 21:25

this is something that shouldn’t be withheld from your partner isn’t it? Like if someone in your home has acted in a way incompatible with your relationship, then this should be discussed?

How is the cleaner sexually harassing either one of you “incompatible with your relationship”? I personally believe it is always the victim’s choice who to tell and when. A partner doesn’t have the automatic right to know everything that happened to or happens to you.

This is a valid point - thank you/.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 24/04/2025 21:32

I told my DH when someone came on to me. It blew up massively. I don't think I would share if it happened again. It's not worth the stress.

notatinydancer · 24/04/2025 21:38

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 20:39

Sorry, I’m not trying to be dense but I’m not sure what you mean by this? 🙂

the friend is lying.

Jom222 · 24/04/2025 22:04

is this reddit now with made up stories??

I'm calling bullshit on this entire post. Never happened except in OPs vivid imagination

Jom222 · 24/04/2025 22:07

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 21:01

Thank you - I understand and appreciate you taking the time to explain. It is entirely possible that this is all a made up scenario.

My problem is with my DP who thinks he doesn’t have to tell me about important stuff like this.

the chances of this happening to anyone irl is so small to be near zero.

The tale is made up, 100% untrue and someone is pulling a joke on you and enjoying your reaction.

IstayhomeonFridaynight · 24/04/2025 22:09

I took it for granted that the cleaner wanted to be paid for the massage, not that she was carried away by a bloke getting out of a shower.

Endofyear · 24/04/2025 23:31

I think your DPs friend has been watching too much dodgy porn 😂

If your DP is saying he wouldn't tell you if this happened to him, yes he's saying he would lie to you! Ask him if the roles were reversed, would he be ok with you not telling him? A healthy relationship is based on honesty imo.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/04/2025 23:36

I think the “friend” has been watching too much porn.

RedHelenB · 25/04/2025 07:11

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 20:47

Do you think? I am autistic so do sometimes struggle with people trying to trick me.

Are you suggesting that the friend has slept with the lady and this is a cover story?

That is a possibility

Spicedpear · 25/04/2025 08:27

The friend is full of shit & making up (his fantasy) for some macho kudos from your DH. How many female cleaners would offer to massage their male employer when they just so happened to be coming out of the shower? Sounds like a bad porn film. It didn’t happen! So it’s moot really. Both their inclination not to disclose it (if it ever would) to their DW’s however tells you a lot about how easy it is for men to lie & cheat. So yanbu & your DH has just revealed himself to be very stupid & possibly untrustworthy. Or just a typical male.

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