Presents for DC - WWYD?

[Chungai]

Recently it was my DN's birthday and my DC's birthday. (DN is a young adult, DC is primary age).

My Dsib and I usually don't post presents after a few have got lost in post and give them when we see each other, which isn't very often due to distance.

Recently we saw each other for first time since the birthdays and I gave DN a nice and thoughtful present worth around £50 and a personalized card.

My primary age DC got nothing, not even a card. Luckily as it wasn't their actual birthday they didn't realise. I think my dsis has forgotten about it but not even DN getting their present prompted a remark.

This isn't the first time she's been a bit crap over gifts, when it was my other DC's birthday she gave him a cheap and novelty second hand book that wasn't even appropriate, wrapped in Christmas paper (we saw them at Christmas) that I assumed she'd grabbed off her DC's shelf. We have my BIL a generous voucher for his big birthday and my DH got nothing from them.

At other times she can be very generous with hand me downs and hosting etc.

It's worth adding they have significantly more wealth than us.

I just feel a bit shit about my DC getting nothing.

WWYD? Not sure whether I just chalk it up to how she is and carry on, reign in gifts, or be frank with her and pull her up on it. We get on well but don't have the sort of warts and all relationship where it's easy to point out her faults and vice versa.

I think you are making too much effort for people who don’t care.

What I would do is stop buying expensive presents, I wouldn't mention anything unless she asks and then I'd say I assumed we'd stopped as she didn't buy anything for my child

WWYD? Not sure whether I just chalk it up to how she is and carry on, reign in gifts, or be frank with her and pull her up on it. We get on well but don't have the sort of warts and all relationship where it's easy to point out her faults and vice versa.

You don't do anything - literally. When it's next one of their birthdays let it pass you completely by. And if anything is said you merely comment that as [DC] didn't get anything you thought she'd decided to drop it, and as they're all adults in their house, you agreed with that as an idea.

I'd set a budget you are happy with even if your children don't get anything in return and try and make piece with the fact your in laws are a bit rubbish with gifts / remembering.

So token gifts for your DN so they know you aren't forgetting them but your not spending a fortune and feeling really resentful when it's not reciprocated

All you can do really is as pp said. Decide on an amount you're happy to give and accept your DC get rubbish presents in comparison.

At some point they'll notice but there's not a lot else you can do. My DC also get given what is clearly unwanted and sometimes inappropriate things from DN's shelves, they've even been given half filled out activity books before!

ETA I'd stop with the adult presents though!

I’m thinking they want to stop present buying but haven’t said so . Very hurtful to forget a small child’s birthday imo .

It's horrible isn't it, been through it a few times with many different people and sadly not helped by the fact we seemed to have the youngest children.

I met my dh when his sisters kids were about 4 and 2 and we have always bought really nice presents for them, easter eggs etc. We only buy for birthdays now that they are both grown ups (well £50 in a card) but obviously the christmas presents and easter eggs have stopped for our kids even tho they are still children and their birthday presents are a few little gifts that don't really hit the mark sadly. Would feel pointless giving the same kind of value In cash back for theirs or stopping altogether as mine will still be worse off, it doesn't seem fair and I would be hyper aware of it if the roles were reversed.

We used to buy christmas presents for dh cousin, partner and children (4 of them) funny enough the first year we had our ds they wanted the gift swapping to stop.

Makes me sad that I no longer buy for my friends children after years of her forgetting mine.

I think that people aren't as into gift giving as maybe you and I are, and perhaps we need to take that step back also when they show its not as important to them, it doesn't mean we don't care anymore it just means we are relieving them of any obligation in the future.

My siblings don't bother with my dc. It's not my dns fault they are like this. So I decided I'd buy a present till they were 18. Once 18 I send a card/text only. I don't buy for the adults. My dc are adults/teens now and when they asked why it wasn't reciprocal I just said we don't give ro receive and that it's not their cousins fault their parents don't think about others (there's a much larger issue with my siblings).

I think this is the way forward thanks. I will still get my other younger DN a nice gift this year and maybe until they are the same age as older DN is now as it feels a bit unfair otherwise but will stop all but token gifts to the "adults" from now.

I will rein in Christmas presents this year too after being generous the past few years.

My dsis is stupidly generous with her own DC... Think expensive tech, cars, jewellery.

token gifts for everyone is the way to go. Something small for the under 18s and adults get a bottle of wine or nothing.

Yes I am grateful it was long enough ago that they didn't twig they didn't get anything as I'm not sure how I would have handled that. Luckily my SIL on the other side are quite generous and never forget.