To tell work I can’t take part in this meeting? (TW sexual assault)

[flashbacking]

Colleague has been harassing me for a while. Has form. When it got to harassing multiple others in more senior positions action was taken very quickly and we are now in the position of an investigation.

I need to go to a meeting and discuss it with someone as part of this. They said it’s just to establish what’s happened.

Ten years ago I was seriously assaulted by a male colleague. I never did anything about it at the time because I didn’t think I would be believed. I spoke to the police in 2023 at a rape crisis centre and they have dropped it due to lack of evidence. Different workplace. He has long since left the UK apparently but it has had a lasting effect.

I was also abused in childhood.

My current work know nothing about this at all. I don’t want them to. My mental health is mostly stable and manageable.

Since being told I need to go to this meeting, I’ve had 3 panic attacks. It’s bringing up horrible, horrible memories. It will be in my workplace which is supposed to be a safe space for me away from my past traumas.

How do I get through this without crumbling? Just mask and not tell them anything about the past? Are these things confidential? What if they don’t believe me too. This was so much more minor than before.

Am I allowed anyone with me? Or is that going to look totally insane? I’m so close to telling them I don’t want to be involved but that risks my professional integrity.

What is it specifically about the meeting? At the very least I imagine they would allow you to bring your union rep or another colleague

It's reminding me of when I had to talk to the police, I know this isn't the police but it reminds me of giving them statements and stuff before.

Work haven't said much just that I need to go to it. I don't know who else I could take, it will be confidential in my work place so no-one else will know. I don't have a union unfortunately, I should but I've never sorted one out.

I’m sorry, but I think unless this is a meeting with the police, you need further therapy to get over this. Sorry x

Is this a meeting because you’ve been the victim of a SA at work? If so, I’m terribly sorry

The issue is that they can’t investigate or take action unless they have gathered information from everyone.

In your shoes, I would make them aware ahead of time that you will find the meeting difficult. They can then be aware of that before hand

I suggest you put what you’ve said here into an email and send to HR.

ask them if there is another way for you to take part

e.g could they give you questions in writing and could you respond in writing?

can you bring a companion, friend etc with you for support rather than a colleague or TU rep?

do they have any other suggestions?

Ask. They can't make adaptations if they don't know.

Can you have a pre-meeting with some one from HR to explain what you have said here? Or as @BethDuttonYeHaw says, put it in an email, explain it like you have here. Explain work is actually a safe space for you, so would it be possible to do it elsewhere.

You don’t need to disclose your previous trauma to you workplace. Any competent manager/HR person would expect someone to be distressed talking about sexual harassment regardless of any prior history and put supports in place.

You can ask for adjustments eg having the meeting in a neutral location off site, bringing someone with you for support, having the questions provided beforehand or providing a written submission either in lieu of the meeting or before the meeting so all they need to do is fill in any gaps in person. You can also ask who will attend the meeting for the organisation so you can prepare yourself eg if it’s someone you might know. You can also decline to attend, which would likely affect the outcome of their investigation.

Do your company have an Employee Assistance Programme that could provide counselling? If not sometimes in these circumstances organisations will provide a number of counselling sessions as a one off provision.

You really really don't have to tell them anything private. Just a concise 'On this occasion, I will not be able to assist for the sake of my own wellbeing.'

1. Join a union.
2. Tell them something vague like, "I don't feel comfortable going to this meeting. Is there another way to give this information?" You could suggest a written statement or a recording, depending what you would feel more comfortable with.
3. If they push back about it then again be vague but add a bit more. e.g. Due to past trauma, I do not feel comfortable with this.
4. You can refuse to have this meeting and they can use information from the others affected if necessary.

I was going to suggest to talk to your union rep but I’ve seen your update. The challenge here is that if you join (and depending on the union) they may say they won’t help as it is pre-existing. In this sort of matter i am sure a rep would accompany someone but that is discretionary. Also if it went further you wouldn’t get any legal advice.

it wouldn’t be appropriate for a work colleague to attend for obvious reasons but you could see if they would allow a friend or family member (but that is unlikely).

if nothing else join a union - they could have helped at the very outset and advocated for you.

Do you have a good line manager?

Could you speak to them and just say that personal reasons, you would prefer just to provide a written statement as discussing things like this in detail are not good for you mentally & you don't want to relive it by discussing it further. There's no need to mention anything else.

Can you make a request to write a formal statement, rather than having to verbalise in an interview?

Maybe they would be OK with you write the statement on company property and having it witnessed?

You need to let them know that you are struggling with this and are suffering panic attacks due to flashbacks, OP. That information may mean they take a different approach that is easier for you.

You can take a colleague or union rep with you. The investigator needs to establish the facts from all sides.

I’m sorry this has happened. Do tell work this meeting is going to be very difficult for you.

can you write down in advance all the things you think work need to know about the current perpetrator. Dates and specifics are very helpful to the investigation. Take your documents to the meeting and then you don’t have to speak, you can just hand it over. If that would be easier for you.