To be worried about DS’s relationship and want him to leave?

[Worriedmum600]

Name changed for obvious reasons. I’m feeling a bit all over the place and just need some outside perspective really.

DS (23) has been with his boyfriend for about a year now. We met him a few times – he seemed nice enough, maybe a bit intense, but nothing major at the time. A few months ago DS told us his boyfriend has bipolar. We didn’t know until then, and again, we’ve just tried to be supportive from a distance.

Recently though, things have got quite worrying. His boyfriend apparently stopped taking his meds and is now in what DS says is a proper episode – paranoid, convinced that everyone except DS is against him or trying to hurt him. DS says he’s managed to persuade him to start taking the meds again, but obviously they don’t work straight away.

The part I can’t stop thinking about – DS said his boyfriend hit him across the face because he was messaging a friend. Actually left a bruise. He accused DS of “plotting” with the friend and completely lost it. Then he kept saying he didn’t do it – like outright denied it – and still hasn’t apologised.

DS doesn’t want us going round or messaging as he says it’ll make his boyfriend more paranoid and put him on edge. I understand that to a degree, but I’m really struggling. DS moved into his flat with him a few months ago and now I just want him to come home and get some space. I honestly don’t think he should be dealing with this, especially not alone.

He’s so loyal and kind, and I know he feels like he can’t leave his boyfriend while he’s unwell, but surely this isn’t a healthy situation? Mental illness isn’t an excuse for hurting someone and then gaslighting them about it.

AIBU to want him to step away from this for a bit and come home? I feel completely powerless and terrified for him. Just need some outside perspective before I say anything I can’t take back.

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YANBU at all, I'd be very worried for him in this situation. He's been hit, that could easily escalate. Can you push a bit harder without pushing him away?

Gosh what a difficult situation.
There is no excuse for violence, your poor DS.
I would tread carefully (even though my instinct would be to swoop in and take him home), you could push him away.
It's great that he opened up to you and told you the truth, you obviously have a good open relationship. I would tell him love doesn't mean hurting the other person and that violence is inexcusable.
I've no experience of mental illness and I'm sure some other posters will come on with good advice.

Absolutely agree with you. I think your son should tell his friends's doctor exactly what's going on and then come home to you.

He's 23 and needs to make his own choice in this. You can support him by letting him talk without being judgemental, and maybe doing a bit of research yourself to understand it better and sending a link to DS if you think it might contain useful information. And you can tell him he's welcome to come home for a bit while he takes stock. But don't try to sort it out for him - you can't.

I texted DS this morning (nothing heavy, just checking in really) and he replied saying they’re fine and asked me to stop texting him. Said it’s making things worse and that he needs space.

I get that he’s under pressure and trying to keep things stable, but I can’t lie – I’m absolutely beside myself. I just feel like I’m being shut out while he’s in a situation that’s not safe or healthy for him, and there’s nothing I can do.

I have a family member with bipolar disorder and they have been sectioned several times. Your son is trying to manage a situation that is almost certainly not manageable by himself. The situation may not be dangerous but it can become so, very quickly. It's completely understandable that he feels limiting contact with others will placate his boyfriend but it's unsustainable and isn't likely to work for long.

Does your son leave the house for work or a regular appointment like the gym or sports club? Could you go and meet him on neutral ground? If possible, make sure he knows that he can call 999 or 111 for mental health support if he feels he or his boyfriend are in danger. Is his boyfriend in contact with his family? It might be helpful to have their involvement as they will know more of the history of his illness.

You must be terribly worried and it's difficult to know what's the best thing to do in these situations. You can access support for yourself from Mind
https://www.mind.org.uk/

Or Rethink
https://www.rethink.org/

I hope you manage to persuade your son to get help and support for his boyfriend. Look after yourself lovely 💐

You need to let him breathe and trust that you raised him well enough that he can manage this situation himself.
The more you push, the more you’ll push him away and the less he’ll share with you in future. You MUST respect his wishes and keep in touch with delicacy and respect.

You're not unreasonable to want it, to try and push him in to it would be unreasonable and risk your relationship with him when you need to be there for him. Gently let him know you're worried about him and he always has a place at home if he needs it. I'd avoid saying anything too negative or emotive as he may feel unable to come to you again if there are other incidents.

I'm so sorry.

Make it clear to him you will always be there when he is ready to reach out to you.

How many texts are you sending a day?

Is it a lot? If not, if him receiving texts from you is really making things worse, he must see this is an untenable situation. But he does need to work that out.