Honestly I have no idea

[Kimcat1]

My husband and I have been having problems for some time (only married 3 years). We have no intimate relationship, none. He's on medication which he says is the cause, but refuses to be seen by Dr. This has left my self confidence shattered and our commutation is awful. We have a beautiful little girl (we got pregnant really quickly, and I could tell that even while trying it was only because he had to do it if that makes sense). We've been intimate once in 2 years at this point!I saved up for mat leave but spent the little I'd managed to save. Was completely blindsided by him while on mat leave as I had to use my credit card and overdraft to stay afloat, while he had thousands in the bank. He knowingly left me struggling. Only after breaking down to him did he step in and pay all of the household bills, but I was already in this debt. He said there was no point in "throwing money at the situation" and did not at the time offer to help me out of debt, even though he had the means. He said all the right things and was then offered a very high paying job in America. I think I hoped this would be the making of us really, and thought what an amazing opportunity for my little girl. Also thought well this will help me out of debt (I went back to work part time after bubs so would have struggled a long time to pay that off). Anyway we're in the US now and I have so much resentment towards him. Resentment that he has completely neglected me physically, financially, emotionally. I should add that I'm basically a single married mother. I can't work here due to visa category so we have a joint account but this makes me so angry because he wasn't there for me financially at the most vulnerable point in my life, but now that it's convenient for him as he wanted us to come here, he's paid off my overdraft and credit card and now we have this money that's 'ours'. He's also hardly ever made effort with my family or friends but again now that we're here I'm expected to make all this effort with all of these new people he works with and I don't find getting to know new people very easy. I have always made a lot of effort with his family and friends though. I think because we're away from home and my support system, and I feel isolated and lonely, it's amplifying all of these thoughts and feelings. I just don't know what to do and I'm aware I've made such a mess in coming here and my poor little baby is stuck in the middle of all of this. I feel like a terrible mother so please go easy on me in the responses. If you got this far, thank you so very much.

You need to leave, that's clear.

What you need to do now is get some legal and financial advice so you do it in the best way possible.

It may be that bringing your DD back to the UK (under the pretence of a holiday if necessary) might be the best way, but you need to know the legal situation to make sure. You don't want to end up getting deported while your DD remains in the US.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be so tough in another country as well, have you joined any mother and baby groups? I know you said you find new people hard but if you are there for baby it might feel like less pressure? It sounds like you need people just for you, not associated to him, so you can talk through your feelings and have them validated. Lack of intimacy points to an avoidant man, a therapist would help him figure things out but he won't think there is a problem because he is avoidant. It's a total head wreck and you don't need to expend anymore of your beautiful energy on that part, it's his. Focus on what you can do, fun things with baby, plan for a life you could have if your visa gets changed or look at work back home, you don't have to actually put wheels in motion yet, but start putting things on paper, when you feel like you have more options you can then decide if you want to stay or go, what he does is up to him. Before you do decide it's important you are clear with him that your needs are not being met, not just the intimacy, you have to spell it out, this knocks my confidence, I don't feel close to you, I feel like a single parent, processing all that for him may take a long time, because avoidants barely do it. As long as you are clear, he can decide his actions, which may help your decision X sending lots of love and are family due a visit??? That could give U a boost, I know flights are costly. You will get through this x

@NuffSaidSam thanks for your reply. It's just such a scary thought but I know you're right, I need to do what's best for my daughter and I.

@Lillush thank you very much for your reply. I have joined some groups and met some mums which has helped. I'm lucky in that I still speak to my people, my village, back home everyday so they know what's going on. That's a very good way to describe my husband. Avoidant. I suggested couples counselling and his response was "I'm not paying for someone to sort this out, we can sort it ourselves". He just will not meet me half way on anything. My in laws are coming out in a few weeks, and then we fly back with them, so I don't have long to wait until I see family.