Family Funeral

[deesdeli]

My uncle passed away and his children did not inform us of his death. Whilst we are not a close family and we have had our family differences my father (his brother) found out instead from a very very distant relative.

When I finally managed to speak to one of the children they told me that they do not want us and my father at the funeral. I have tried to mediate and ask them to reconsider as it was my fathers last brother. Am I/we being unreasonable to expect to attend the funeral??

I think that this is a very selfish and short sighted decision from his children however I am not sure how to break to the news to my father about this yet as he it will upset him tremendously.

Sorry but it sounds like their has been a family fallout and they were effectively estranged or NC as MN likes to put it.
And this is the result, people fall out and people get hurt.

Hope your Dad is OK and bridges can be built with your cousins. But you have to respect their wishes for the funeral

I think you are being unreasonable. You say you aren’t a close family and that you’ve had your differences so if they are having a small funeral then maybe they just want close family and friends there. If it’s a big funeral with everyone else invited except for your Dad then that’s obviously more difficult to deal with. Did you Dad have any ongoing relationship with his brother? Do you think your Dad will be more bothered about not missing the funeral because he would find it helpful for his grieving or because he would be upset by the public slight.
Id tell your Dad that he isn’t invited as they are having a very small funeral. Perhaps you could send flowers if they don’t mind or make a donation to a relevant charity in honour of your Dads brother instead.

YABU. My dad hasn't had significant contact with his brother for a quarter of a century and only times he has been in the same room, the brother has refused my dad's attempts to reconciliate. I absolutely wouldn't want him or his family at my father's funeral either.

Being a sibling doesn’t mean part of their life though. There is no way my Uncle will be welcome at my mums funeral

On paper I’d say YANBU but having organised a funeral for a parent recently I was very touchy about who I wanted there. If it’s in a church it’s a public service and anyone can attend so your dad could pay his respects but my advice is to keep your distance and be mindful to a grieving family for whom the loss is raw, not nostalgic.

Without knowing the full details of their relationship its impossible to say who is unreasonable but I think the close families wishes should be respected. If the deceased is being buried you could both visit the grave and lay flowers after the funeral. Alternatively you and your Dad could visit a place that's significant, that holds happy memories for your Dad of his brother and read a poem, say a prayer, raise a glass to the brother, whatever feels most appropriate for you.

Thanks all for your opinions. I think during times like this the thought process can go into over drive and I have not been thinking clearly so getting another perspective helps. I should have mentioned that whilst the brothers did not get along they were on talking terms and civil. His children hold a lot of resentment towards us and I am not sure where this stems from, however I cant help but think that their father would have wanted his only brother left to be present and this decision is purely from the children.

Yes they had a civil relationship but they were not close due to fall outs. They will have a large funeral

Funerals are public events, they might not like you being there, but there is not much they can do to stop you.

Obviously none of us can tell who is in the wrong here but I'd question whether insisting on turning up at this funeral will do more harm than good for future family relations here.

Their father probably said a lot of negative things about your father, rightly or wrongly, and his children don’t want to see someone there that was involved in so much hurt with their father.

What the closest family want is what matters most. It’s sad that your Dad will be hurt by knowing he isn’t welcome at the funeral, but if he cares about his brother then he will do what is best for his children.

Why would anyone go along to a funeral when they’ve been explicitly told by the deceased next of kin that they are not wanted there.

Regardless of the back story, that would be a real dick move.

The children can make that call, their father may have left wishes we don’t know but ultimately would you want to go knowing it would upset them?

I certainly think you are being unreasonable.

Your dad, being a closer relation, is less unreasonable to want to go despite the children’s wishes.