I will try to be as clear as possible for clarity.
Came out of an 11 year relationship last year - have 2 DCs together. Amazing father. Relationship broke down on my part due to a number of things - not able to provide emotional support, support in general. Felt extremely lonely and un noticed ie wouldn’t acknowledge me when he came through the front door, wouldn’t look at me when he spoke (would look everywhere but at me). Date nights were around 1x per year (I know this can be normal). Went through years of him looking at me like I was something on the back of his shoe for no reason, and speaking to me awfully (in front of my own mother who would ask why he looks and speaks to me like this). I eventually told him if it continued I would leave him. He did stop. We never ever laughed together. Just trying to give a bit of background to the relationship before going into the below.
Sexually, we never had sex (I never wanted too). I stopped wanting to have sex after our first daughter was born due to trauma post birth. I just never.. wanted too. My exDP put on a lot of weight, never made an effort with himself nor me so I just did not have that emotional connection to want to have sex. Because of this, he would often put himself on me or start touching me whilst I was asleep, even though at bedtime I would have declined having sex. He did this on so many occasions and I told him he had to stop. He did this when I was BF our newborn and knew I was getting minimal sleep so him waking me for sex did not go down well. He would often persist me for sex so i would do it anyway just to keep him quiet. If we ever went away just us, he would attempt to have sex with me as soon as we got into the hotel room which would always upset me and he would end up shouting at me and getting angry “because it’s normal to have sex when away” so I felt really pressured and forced into doing it, him knowing full well my emotional needs were not being met. We were once away at a wedding with our first born, where we had both had some alcohol. He tried it on with me, I said no.. he pushed himself onto me anyway (not aggressively) so I let him. I told him not to finish inside of me, he did anyway (no contraception). I took a morning after pill, it did not work. I became pregnant and he told me to have an abortion and because I was distressed by this he called me “a spoilt brat”
Im trying to understand if what my ExDP put me through sexually was abuse? He often would only pay me attention when I was naked, or be “nice” to me if he had sex with me the night before.
thank you if you got this far, and I’m so sorry if I haven’t written this out well! All my thoughts have just blurted out.