Family court letter- absent father

[tiddles00]

After a crap day at work I come home to a letter from the family court, letting me know my child’s absent father is starting proceedings. No further info.

I’m upset and angry. I’ve done it all on my own for years. Our child was born from a short relationship and he made it clear from the beginning he didn’t want the baby, fair enough.

He was quite horrible about trying to scare and coerce me into an abortion, shouting at me. Had to call the police a few times. Then he did the whole “baby isn’t mine” thing so we had a paternity test. Awful time in my life.

When my child was born, I told him and he had an open invitation to see him but he just drifted in and out, his family also didn’t acknowledge the baby for almost a year.

When he wanted to contact I offered to build up to every other weekend, but he cancelled regularly, said he couldn’t do this that and the other because of work, holidays, social stuff.

In the end I got sick of him being a let down and I just stopped responding.

He’s not on the birth certificate (despite me offering many times years ago). I also offered mediation previously to see if we could come to an agreement.

AIBU to be upset and wish that he would just go away. My child is so happy and settled.

What is it that he wants?

It doesn’t say.
From what he was saying previously, he just wanted to be able to him on a flexible basis when it suited him around work and other plans, be able to take him out of nursery at short notice because he had a day off but then not have him for his weekend as agreed.

He will have to be clear with the court what he is seeking, they will not tolerate a “want what I want when I want it” situation. The moment he states that, he will be seen badly.

edited to add - he will get supervised contact at best right now as he is not in child’s life and he will have to prove he can do this to a stable time table. Which he sounds unlikely to do.

Has he ever paid any maintenance?

I think if he gets told he has to stick to a stable pattern, he will just fob my child off to his family. Who I also don’t really want my child around. His mother also shouted at me and I told me I should have aborted. We are in our 30s I’m not a child.

Is it likely he would have supervised contact for a bit first? I know he will get something I’m just so worried.

He does now but only because I went to CMS. Never offered so much as a nappy or sleepsuit off his own back.

Park the letter for now. Let him take the next step - if he bothers. I wonder what his motivation is?

How old is your child ?

I wonder if he has a new partner and is trying to appear responsible/not a deadbeat.

Don't be surprised to find out that he has spun a narrative to his family and (possible) partner that you have been withholding contact and are a big meany which is why he couldn't possibly be a parent to his child all these years.

I’d write back to his solicitor asking if he has organized mediation and if he has a proposal for contact (including how to work up to the level of contact he would like, since he has not had contact for X months/years) that you can read ahead of your mediation session?

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It’s not from a solicitor, it’s a letter from the family court in his area. He doesn’t know my address so in short it states that they have had to obtain my address however it won’t be disclosed to him. And that he is issuing proceedings in the family court and asking if I want it to be moved to my area, if I don’t reply before x date it stays in his local family court.

Maybe. I did try and be fair though. More than fair actually considering how he treated me in the pregnancy etc. I’ve never given him any grief or bother, never begged or called him names or been horrible. I’ve simply kept my head down and got on with it. The only “bad” thing I’ve done is claim CMS. He said it was proof I had my child for money.

You should get legal advice.

I smell the whiff of a new girlfriend who has started asking him why he doesn’t see his child, and seems willing to take up the “nanny with a fanny” role and provide him with free childcare.

Get some legal advice.

How long ago did you apply for maintenance? Has this been the catalyst for him ?

can you afford a solicitor?
I would be working out exactly what you want to offer him as a starting point. Ie. A few hours at a contact centre then build up to unsupervised etc.

im sorry you are going through this.

court was fucking brutal for me and I couldn’t have done it without a my solicitor and barrister.

It’s been about a year since I applied for maintenance so I don’t think it’s that. But I don’t know. He lives hours away too.

I don’t think I can afford a solicitor, I do work but average income. I did see a solicitor before and it was over £200 for just an hour.

Not sure how he got a court involved without requests for dna testing.. Court will want these done before any arrangements are even discussed.. If he is abusive don't agree to mediation.. You can refuse it.. Though it can give initial indication of his twatism onto paper...

We’ve already had a DNA test. This was done when baby was about 5-6 months old.

I think you need to reply to the court letter and tell them what you prefer - your local family court for convenience or his because you prefer that he doesn’t know your location.
It might be worth paying for a hour or two’s advice from a solicitor, even if you choose to self represent in court for affordability.
Put together all the communication you have of offering mediation/regular contact/him canceling all the time.
To save time (and money!) when seeking legal advice could you write yourself a short summary of the history of contact between your child and his father? Keep it completely factual with no emotion, and try to be very accurate and succinct. Eg. Father of child initially unhappy about the pregnancy and uninterested in being involved. Did not wish to attend registration (hence not being on the birth certificate). Denied paternity when I asked for child support through CMS (date). Paternity was confirmed via court-ordered DNA test (date). Father requested contact (Date) I proposed X schedule working up to every other weekend. Over the next 12 months, Father cancelled 12/26 scheduled contact sessions and asked for 6 additional contact sessions which I was able to facilitate on 3 occasions. I suggested mediation with a view to agreeing on a stable contact schedule (date). Father declined. With no possibility of mediation I decided to stick to only previously agreed contact times. Contact dwindled and last contact was X date. Received official court letter stating Father is opening proceedings on X date. Still have not received a proposed new contact schedule from Father (as of X date).

Definitely get it transferred to your nearest court for your own convenience. A direct access barrister may work out cheaper than a solicitor

Thank you for all the advice, really helpful. I don’t know what a direct access barrister is but I will look at that. Last time I saw a solicitor they suggested I may be entitled to legal aid due to domestic abuse, but I’m not sure.
He has money so will definitely have a solicitor, I’m worried he will wipe the floor with me.
All I want is consistency and safety for my little one.

Try Citizen's Advice. You def need some kind of legal support.

If there was documented domestic abuse towards you then mediation may not be recommended.

If I’ve got a letter from the family court does that mean he’s skipped the mediation somehow anyway?
I didn’t think anyone could apply without mediation (unless in the case of domestic abuse like you’ve said). I definitely have not been abusive towards him in any way, ever.