To want something I can't have

[citygirl1961]

This post might come across as me being weak and pining for something I can never have but it is an issue that’s been going on for forty years now.
To put it in a nut shell. I met a lad in 1985 when we were both twenty two. We hit it off and had a relationship, it lasted a year and we broke up. I was already divorced. I got married again in 1989, that marriage ended after ten years, it was messy and a long story so I won’t go into it.

My boyfriend from 1985 had got back in touch with via a letter which he sent to my parent’s address. We met up, still got on well, still had feelings for each other. But he was already in a relationship with a girl whom he had been with for ten years. Fair enough. We were still friends but he always indicated he wanted more from me. Then a few years later he split up with her. He needed time to get over her, fair enough, but the years went by and he kept telling me he wasn’t ready for another relationship and to give him time. I gave him time. Nothing happened. So I met someone else and started a relationship with him. My ‘friend’ was peeved by this but I told him he hadn’t come forward so he could hardly blame me for going with someone else. He said there was a reason that he had always been around. Maybe so, but he didn’t come forward with anything constructive.

My relationship broke up, still nothing happened between us. Then I found out, via Facebook, that he was going on holiday with a woman, when he told me he was going with male friends. This was ten years ago now. I confronted him about it and he admitted that he was in a relationship and said that I had pushed him away to go out with someone else so I had missed my opportunity.

We are still friends and meet up now and again for a meal. He keeps saying you never know what will happen between us and not to give up but he goes on fancy holidays with her, meets her family, he has never done this with me. He did once offer to take me away for a few days but behind her back while she was away with friends. I once challenged him and said why can’t we have a relationship and he said he doesn’t want to throw away what he’s got with her in case it doesn’t work with me.

I find it hard to let go altogether because of our history and I want to keep him as a friend but how I can let go of any hope. We are now both in our sixties and hardly teenagers playing at being in love. I feel that if he wanted me he would have taken action years ago.

I’m sure you know this deep down but he is stringing you along and has been all these years. It’s clear he values this other woman more than you and just likes you as a little ego boost in the side. If he truly liked you, he would give it a go. His excuse of “if it doesn’t work out” is lame and it leaves you hoping for something he will not give you.

Sorry, OP, but you need to let this go. You are flattering his vanity and upsetting yourself - as you say, he’s had plenty of opportunities to take action and hasn’t.

Oh dear, in the words of Kim Wilde, he really is just keeping you hanging on. Your gut is correct. If a man really wants you, he will stop at nothing to have you in his life. It sounds as though you’re a lovely person and he’s feeding yiu breadcrumbs as a back up. Please don’t entertain this chancer any longer and just move on. Yes, you have history but it’s a history of unrequited love from where I’m sat ♥️

You said it yourself in the last sentence of your post - I'm so sorry, you are his backstop, his dress rehearsal... you are not the main event. I don't think trying to maintain a friendship with someone that you have romantic feelings for will be helpful for you, it will only heighten this sense of your not being able to have what you want. I wish you well.

You're his back up plan for when he runs out of other options. He's not your friend. If I were you, I'd get on with your life and forget about him. It's never going to come to anything. He's with someone else and stringing you along which is a vile way to behave.

Thank you for your replies. I know what I need to do but its hard to fully let go. But this 'hope' has been going on for years now. I always feel I will regret it if I let go fully but its just a meaningless exercise which is the reality

Aw OP. I’m sorry. He’s an arsehole. He has had every opportunity over the years to have a relationship with you. The reality is, he doesn’t want a relationship - he wants to know you’re there in the wings to act as a pick me up and stroke his ego when his other relationships aren’t working out.

You deserve better than this.

Blimey OP, sounds like you've spent better part of your life, one way or another, worrying about men. You've created a fantasy around this bloke because he was part of your youth and "the one that got away". The reality is that you'll find yourself nursing him and changing his Tena men pads if you're not careful at this stage of the proceedings. Let it go.