I've just spent Easter visiting my 10 year old daughters paternal grandparents and ex-husband. I divorced him when I was pregnant after he shoved me on the way back from a scan. He's a feckless alcoholic who hasn't worked since. . He's been a terrible father - inconsistent out of contact from one year to the next when he is too deep in his addiction to bother with our daughter,. His contact with our daughter is entirely funded by his parents who pay his flights hotels a meals for him to visit with them from his EU country. He lives in supported living and at nearly 60 I don't expect him to work again. As he's been sober for six months he thinks that he is now a responsible parent.
I make arrangements for contact via his stepfather and mother who are fantastic, caring and attentive grandparents. We've had visits cancelled at short notice because he's drinking again, Given that his stepfather or me are paying for all hotels flights etc when we do have contact - I don't bother to include my ex-husband in the discussions.
He takes great offence at this and says that he needs to be consulted before we make any arrangements. Given he is not working I don't see why I would consider his schedule, I make arrangements around my daughters school holidays andy work. The grandparents have stated that because they are retired they can be very flexible. My ex-husband has expressed surprise that I am angry with him - he thinks that now he is sober there is no reason to be angry with him. I'm angry with him because he has been such a terrible father to our daughter who wishes she had an involved and consistent father like her friends she says that even her friends whose parents are divorced see their father more than twice a year. If it wasn't for the grandparents paying we wouldn't even see him twice a year. I can't stand the man- he's selfish , has an excuse for why everything in life is not his fault including the breakup of our marriage. Mostly I don't give him a second thought- he lives in another country, I rarely hear from him and I only have to see him twice a year ( he can’t be trusted alone with our daughter). Given his behaviour over the years I consider that he's very lucky that I allow him contact with our daughter - which I allow for her benefit not his as I feel it is important for her to know her origins and their culture. I mostly don't feel white hot rage anymore but his comment that we need to plan our next meet up (which will be a holiday which I will pay for myself and my daughter and the grandparents will pay for themselves and him) around his commitments with his friends has really made me angry. He doesn't engage in paid work voluntary work or any other sensible commitments he wants to plan this holiday around his social life (he doesn't have a new partner - unsurprisingly!), and I take the view that he needs to fit in around my work which is paying for everything related to our daughter, and given the grandparents will be paying for everything I will be discussing flights and accommodation with them to suit our budgets. He had the cheek to say to me that he needs to be included in the planning said that we can consider his schedule - if it was medical appointments or rehab he was referring to I wouldn't have an issue but after 10 years I am not going to plan my time off work around his social life - apparently that's unreasonable of me!
I feel like the next time this is raised saying to him that when he contributes like an adult then he will be consulted like one - my 10 year old DD isn't consulted about holiday budgets or flights because she's not contributing!