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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unexpected pregnancy need help

18 replies

JuniperBug · 23/04/2025 12:30

I unexpectedly fell pregnant (I’m 46 so did not even think it was a possibility). I was in a solid relationship of 3 years with the father who was initially very happy and excited. I’m now 13 weeks and he’s had a change of heart. Lots of back and forth between us and I’ve decided to end the relationship as it was very stressful for me and I couldn’t live with the hot and cold. I’m happy with my decision although sad that the relationship is ending.

We haven’t spoken in a while but are meeting up tonight to discuss things. This is not about us getting back together, I am definitely not going to do that. I just need to talk about some practical things. How involved does he want to be, where will the baby live? Expectations etc.

Is there anything I need to ask him? What do I need to know? This whole situation has not been easy for me and as well as being very hormonal and emotional, there are some complications due to my age and health. I just feel very out of control at the moment and feel like if we had a plan going forward, it would relieve at least some of my stress.

I do have a lot of family and friend support and am financially secure with my own home.

Thank you

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 23/04/2025 12:52

The baby will surely live with you? Especially since he is less than enthusiastic about there being a baby in the first place!

Maintenance payments, will he be on the birthday certificate, contact schedule (make sure he has time alone if he wants access so that he has to parent, not just sit in your house while you do everything)...

I'm sure there will be other posters with more ideas.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 23/04/2025 12:54

Surely the baby will live with you? It’s your baby and he doesn’t want it, I wouldn’t go making that optional right now. At 13 weeks you have ages to go yet and plenty could change before the baby is here. I’d cancel it and see how it acts while you are pregnant and meet again closer to the birth to see if you want him on the birth certificate.

Brocsacoille · 23/04/2025 13:00

Do not concede on surname. The baby has your name, it isn’t up for discussion.

ThejoyofNC · 23/04/2025 13:05

Why would you question where the baby will live?

Kitchi · 23/04/2025 13:10

Brocsacoille · 23/04/2025 13:00

Do not concede on surname. The baby has your name, it isn’t up for discussion.

This, 100%. I’d let him choose a middle name.

Ask how much he’ll be contributing each month, and if it’s less than CMS, go through them.

Original poster

JuniperBug · 23/04/2025 13:11

Apologies. My head is all over the place. I meant where would the baby live while with him, depending on contact etc. The baby’s permanent home will definitely be with me. I plan on breastfeeding as long as I can anyway. I think I’m trying to pre plan as much as I can because I feel quite out of control in this situation. I’m trying to get an idea in my head of what it will look like with us

OP posts:

ToKittyornottoKitty · 23/04/2025 13:19

JuniperBug · 23/04/2025 13:11

Do you think he will even want contact?

Tessiebear2023 · 23/04/2025 13:23

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. That may seem a strange thing to say to some, but I was unexpectedly pregnant with my first (and very scared/confused about it) but that did change once I started grappling with the situation and having a plan for the future. I'd love to be able to go back and actually enjoy the early days a bit more.

You're, right about needing to start sorting this out now, obviously this will just be the first of many discussions, so it's important to both keep an open mind about how things might develop and change. However there are some important boundaries to set, like mutual respect and upholding the child's best interests.

So no.1 would be he has to be a lot more consistent and not keep you guessing about how involved he wants to be. If he decides he wants no involvement, then he can't come drifting back in and out of your lives later. That's extremely unfair and not in the interests of your child, who is basically unable to advocate for themselves.

What's he like as a person OP? Is he moral, generally a man of his word, reliable? Did he have a good home life, is there anything that might be making him scared to be a father (hence running hot and cold)? Do you want him in your life, do you think your child will benefit with him as a father?

katkintreats · 23/04/2025 13:24

Oh bless you. I agree with PP that you could maybe cancel this conversation to give yourself more time?

Maybe wait another couple of months, towards the end of the second trimester? You both will have had the chance to get more used to the idea, you will have had the 20 weeks scan, you may find the conversation is easier at that point, when your head (and probably his too) are not all over the place x

laurini · 23/04/2025 13:30

Do you know he wants contact? Do you want him to co parent? Consider this when deciding if he goes on the birth cert. Your surname only - Do not compromise on this as the baby is here because YOU wanted it (not him).

Tessiebear2023 · 23/04/2025 13:32

Just to add.. I wouldn't give him a massive ultimatum at this stage. Tell him you need consistency, so he will need to make a decision on involvement, but give him a mutually agreed amount of time to think.

Do you know any of his family? Brothers, sisters or parents, are they decent people? Would you want any of them involved?

BlondeMummyto1 · 23/04/2025 14:45

I despair at these ‘men’ who think they can change their mind when a life is involved.

It happened to me but I was very young and I continued my pregnancy without giving him much thought. He was invited to scans but he was half arsed and never spent even 1p towards anything the baby needed.

Of course when she was days old it blew up and I had his family calling the hospital demanding access. He came to the house and tried to take her when she was about 4 days old. After that we went to court and he was scared off when he realised his background would be checked. I’ve never heard from him in 16 years. I never went for maintenance.

I don’t say this to scare you but get lots of your own support in place. Set your own boundaries. Do not wait for him to decide what to do. You won’t want your baby to go and stay at his house for a very long time whether that is fair or not.

Best of luck.

BlondeMummyto1 · 23/04/2025 14:51

Just to add baby had my surname and he wasn’t put on the birth certificate. I also decided not to have him at the birth.

Your body and baby so take the control. He’s decided he doesn’t really want to be a father so he doesn’t deserve those things in my opinion.

PashaMinaMio · 23/04/2025 14:57

katkintreats · 23/04/2025 13:24

Oh bless you. I agree with PP that you could maybe cancel this conversation to give yourself more time?

Edited

I agree with this from @katkintreats .

By all means meet now and ongoing keep the channels of communication open but plans change, circumstances change, minds change.

What you agree now might not last the course. I appreciate your need to have the conversation but @katkintreats is a wise response.

Keep the plans as fluid as you can and whilst he must support the baby financially, dont let him bully you into his name on the birth certificate in exchange for maintenance.

Everything will hopefully work out with good will and respect for this life changing experience for you both. Good luck OP and I hope all goes well with your pregnancy and confinement.

PopThatBench · 23/04/2025 14:59

Congratulations ❤️

I have a 7 year-old and I’m in my third trimester with DD2 (due in July) and both my daughters will have my surname. I’m in a solid, happy relationship with the Dad but as we are unmarried (and he isn’t my DD1’s Dad) we’ll all be taking my surname (him too, if and when we marry). So stand firm on your baby taking your surname, if he mentions “tradition” just have a little giggle at him blowing hot and cold on wanting this baby but demanding it have his name?!

If you plan to breastfeed, you can almost scrap the worry over where will baby live when with him for now. Focus more on “where will you spend time with baby for 2-3 hours” and don’t allow him inside your house.

I hope everything goes well for you and baby!

Original poster

JuniperBug · 23/04/2025 16:56

Thank you so much to everyone for their advice. I’ve been all over the place with this and life feels very uncertain right now. I made my peace with the fact I would never have dc and it did take me a while to get my head around it. But not once have I ever been anything but happy and certain that this is what I wanted. There was never an option to terminate. We discussed this quite early on and he was also happy and on board. I’m not sure what changed.

To answer some questions, he comes from a 2 parent family. Very lovely people. His siblings are both married with dc. Both of us have been married before but neither of us had dc. He always said he wanted them but his ex wife didn’t so they decided not to. We’re the same age.

OP posts:

Original poster

JuniperBug · 23/04/2025 16:57

Also, he lived with me and when I asked him to leave he moved into his parents granny flat where he plans to stay

OP posts:

Tessiebear2023 · 23/04/2025 17:46

I'm so sorry you're going though this. There are some really good positives here, though. You are absolutely sure about wanting to be pregnant; that's great because it will help you to keep positive and get you through the tough, but very rewarding experience of having your first child. His family seem to be decent and not estranged or dysfunctional - that's absolutely fantastic (so many ate not so lucky), especially if he decides to be more involved and parent your child, but they may want to get involved even if he doesn't (that would also be on your terms obviously).

I hope he does come to his senses and make a proper, consistent commitment to you and your child, on whatever terms you feel comfortable with. I feel there is a chance of this and it would benefit your child, so it's worth trying, but obviously don't let him mess you about.

Good luck with the breastfeeding, I did with all 3 of mine (they were all very different, one was easy, one was a challenge). Make sure you get support with this as it is tiring until a routine is established (and every time they get a growth spurt!) But in the long run, not having to do bottles and sterilising and buying extortionate baby milk was a no-brainer.

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