Adult poked my child - would you respond (at school)

SparklingZebraShoes · 2025-04-23T05:47:50+00:00

Not the first time and it’s very awkward as I have close connections with the school as I work there 🫤 Child is in year 5 and this particular teacher has covered her class and they have mentioned the ‘poking’ on shoulder as a means of getting child to be quiet. Recently on an outing the same member of staff was behind my child on the bus and poked her for laughing. I asked all the usual questions about how loud she was being but I do not think there is any justification for poking. Daughter is still annoyed about it and wonders why the other children didn’t get poked if total silence on the bus was expected. On the bus journey home, the adult said ‘oh X, it’s a shame I can’t sit behind you as I can’t poke you to be quiet.’ My daughter has severe ADHD and is highly impulsive despite having medication, so as awful as this sounds 😕😕😕😕 I know she is annoying at school. Despite this, I’m not happy but if I raise it, life becomes very awkward and if I don’t my child may not mention anything again. She can go ‘into’ herself and despite bravado, I’m the only person she will allow to see her cry. If I mention directly to the staff member, she will deny it and of course that doesn’t follow any protocol. AIBU and what would you do?

CrowMate · 23/04/2025 06:56

It may feel awkward, but is relatively minor? I would absolutely raise with the teacher. X really does not respond well to physical touch. I understand you have been “poking” her as a signal to be quiet. We’d really appreciate an alternative method as she is finding this quite upsetting.
Take it from a helpful angle, ask to agree a signal with her that lets your daughter know she needs to be quiet.

BallerinaRadio · 23/04/2025 07:00

If you work with them just mention it to them. Not everything has to be turned into a big drama, a quiet word would be much more appreciated than a full on complaint and if it's true they're probably not even realising they're doing it.

Vallmo47 · 23/04/2025 07:04

Agree with previous posters - just say daughter doesn’t like being touched by anyone and she’s mentioned you sometimes touch her on the shoulder. If you could stop, we’d really appreciate it. I probably wouldn’t use the word “poke”.

HelenWheels · 23/04/2025 07:06

are you sure it is a poke, not a tap, a reminder

Energe · 23/04/2025 07:10

If you work there, tell the head and say you don’t want to make a formal complaint but you want it stopped.

Original poster

SparklingZebraShoes · 23/04/2025 07:13

HelenWheels · 23/04/2025 07:06

are you sure it is a poke, not a tap, a reminder

Child says it was a poke, but in our school we aren’t allowed to use poking or tapping to remind children, it’s really not the done thing at all.

OP posts:

ThejoyofNC · 23/04/2025 07:15

I'd poke her in the eye.

arcticpandas · 23/04/2025 07:23

If your child doesn't like being "poked" then I would definitely raise it with the teacher. If he would have poked my DS1 he would have screamed murder and cried (autistic). Teachers should set a good example and use their voices instead of touching children (unless it's for comfort ofcourse when the child needs it). Be gentle but firm and tell him it's not the done thing to touch students; stand up for your daughter.

Fargo79 · 23/04/2025 07:24

This is going to sound facetious but it's not intended that way. It's a serious question. Do you think you might be better trying to find work at a different school? You need to be able to advocate for your child effectively. Especially so when they have SEND. If your position at the school makes you feel unable to do that, if may be time to reconsider.

Original poster

SparklingZebraShoes · 23/04/2025 07:28

arcticpandas · 23/04/2025 07:23

If your child doesn't like being "poked" then I would definitely raise it with the teacher. If he would have poked my DS1 he would have screamed murder and cried (autistic). Teachers should set a good example and use their voices instead of touching children (unless it's for comfort ofcourse when the child needs it). Be gentle but firm and tell him it's not the done thing to touch students; stand up for your daughter.

I will absolutely stand up for my child, I just need to go about it the right way. The teacher in question has been spoken to about poking children before, they are mid 70’s so I really don’t want to cause them trouble before they leave in what will be a relatively short time I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

SparklingZebraShoes · 23/04/2025 07:28

Fargo79 · 23/04/2025 07:24

This is going to sound facetious but it's not intended that way. It's a serious question. Do you think you might be better trying to find work at a different school? You need to be able to advocate for your child effectively. Especially so when they have SEND. If your position at the school makes you feel unable to do that, if may be time to reconsider.

No, I won’t be leaving my job because of this.

OP posts:

PremiumD · 23/04/2025 07:31

HelenWheels · 23/04/2025 07:06

are you sure it is a poke, not a tap, a reminder

Still, best not though?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 23/04/2025 07:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

real13 · 23/04/2025 07:37

I would have a quiet word with her. If she denies it and it happens again, then you can always escalate it.

SantanaBinLorry · 23/04/2025 07:43

This is perfect OP.
(I'd find it hard to be so diplomatic tbh 😅)
Especially since you say this teacher has been spoken to about poking before.
Teachers shouldn't be poking kids!
Forget about the fact you work there, see the teacher at pickbup or drop of and have a little chat as if any other parent at the school.

Teachers poking kids, good grief!

Coinsandcookies · 23/04/2025 07:44

Of course it’s not acceptable. Even tapping a student while trying to get them to be quiet is not acceptable nowadays.

Speak up for them. Raise it gently if you must and if you don’t want to go in strong say something like “there may be crossed wires but my daughter feels they’ve been poked and of course you wouldn’t do that but perhaps don’t get too close to my kid in future it you’re telling her off just so there’s no misunderstanding”

Even if teacher denies it she will be reluctant to do it again now that you’ve raised it as an issue and she knows your child is informing you of things.

SantanaBinLorry · 23/04/2025 07:44

CrowMate · 23/04/2025 06:56

It may feel awkward, but is relatively minor? I would absolutely raise with the teacher. X really does not respond well to physical touch. I understand you have been “poking” her as a signal to be quiet. We’d really appreciate an alternative method as she is finding this quite upsetting.
Take it from a helpful angle, ask to agree a signal with her that lets your daughter know she needs to be quiet.

This is perfect OP.
(I'd find it hard to be so diplomatic tbh 😅)
Especially since you say this teacher has been spoken to about poking before.
Teachers shouldn't be poking kids!
Forget about the fact you work there, see the teacher at pickbup or drop of and have a little chat as if any other parent at the school.

Teachers poking kids, good grief

Ydkiml · 23/04/2025 07:47

Just tell her straight , ‘my daughter doesn’t like it when you poke her and neither do I so please make sure it never happens again and we ll leave it there ‘

itbemay1 · 23/04/2025 07:48

Fargo79 · 23/04/2025 07:24

This is going to sound facetious but it's not intended that way. It's a serious question. Do you think you might be better trying to find work at a different school? You need to be able to advocate for your child effectively. Especially so when they have SEND. If your position at the school makes you feel unable to do that, if may be time to reconsider.

Was coming here to say this.

RoseofRoses · 23/04/2025 07:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

cardboardvillage · 23/04/2025 07:58

I would approach her directly. Tell her not to poke your kid anymore. Surely that will do it