Choosing between old life or new

[AliciaW]

Two years ago my husband and I decided to move closer to my parents - this meant moving across the country. I am very close to my parents and wanted to spend more time with them as they got older/be able to help out as needed.

I have a job which is fairly flexible and high earning. My husband also has a well paid job although his specific role jobs do not come up regularly. We agreed to try the move and he took a 2 year career break from work. I have enjoyed living where I’m from and have made friends through work. My salary covers all our living expenses and we can save a little every month.

he has not been able to find his specific type of job here although he would have lots of transferable skills for other roles/industries. But the just is he hates it here and wants to go back to his old job and life when the career break is over.

we don’t have children and I feel sad that one of us is going to have to compromise or give up quite a lot to find a way forward. My feeling is I need to move back with him and visit my parents when I can - they will be sad but would never want me to hold myself back for them. If we did move back and my husband started his old job again we would be financially comfortable and could afford a lovely lifestyle. But I think that’s not really the point of life. So I suppose I not really asking who is being unreasonable here - we both love each other dearly and neither wants the other to be sad. But if anyone has any advice or perspective on how to move forward I would be grateful!

Hard as it is I'd find it hard to refuse to move back if he truly hates it and has a job he loves to go back to. How long does it take to get to your parents' from your old location?

Why does he hate it, is it just the job situation or are there other reasons? Is there a compromise- could he find a job closer to where you currently are?

I think if he has given it a go and truly hates it, is miserable and can’t find work, then you don’t have much choice but to go back. Could you stay with your parents one week in every month /6wks? I am moving back closer to family next year after 25yrs living away and I am looking forward to it. It has been tough living so far away at times, but I have built a very happy life here. Also means my middle son will be staying as he will be moving in with his gf so i’ll always be missing someone. Can’t afford to stay here though as need to buy and get cracking with a 15yr mortgage as not getting any younger.

You say "that's not really the point of life", but you wouldn't be moving back for the lovely lifestyle, you'd be moving back so that your DH can feel happy and fulfilled - which very much is the point of life! He's given it a go and it hasn't worked out. Assuming you were also reasonably happy before, I think you should move back and make sure you visit your parents regularly.

He tried it and hates it, surely you wouldn’t want him to compromise for the rest of his life?
is there an alternative?
Could you move to a different area where his role would be, so you both start anew?

It sounds very one sided so far - he’s given up his job to move to your home town, so you can care for your parents. It sounds like he’s also isolated and I don’t think it’s feasible to expect him to stay there.
Life is for living your own life, not giving it up to benefit others. I think it’s unreasonable to expect this to carry on.
Could you spend the rest of the time you have there trying to simplify your parent's life so they are well equipped to take care of themselves with outside help and visits from you?
You don’t say how old or infirm they are at this stage.
Would it be a compromise for you to move back so he can work again, but you spend a week a month working from your parents home to help them with anything they need?

What has he been doing for two years?

Why can't your parents move closer to your new location ?

How old are your parents currently ?

My parents would live quite a distance away and would need to fly rather than drive (would be 10 hour journey by car) but direct flight would take 1 hour.
DH had been doing freelance work hoping that would lead to something more permanent but it hasn’t. My father is in quite poor health although my mother is independent and has an active social life so it’s not as if they are isolated.
i think you are right in that I need to focus on my life with DH - I know moving back will make him happy. And I feel like I’m probably more adaptable that he is plus would be able to transfer my job. Sometimes I look at school friends who never left home and to some may have lived a “smaller” life but they live near family and friends and seem content. But comparison is the thief of joy!

With your increased double income would you be able to purchase a holiday home near your parents? Going up to stay would be so much easier with that sort of set up.

Do your parents actually need care at the moment?
Because if they don't then I think you are being unreasonable.
Surely a big part of becoming an adult involves flying the nest and living your own life.
And when you are married your spouses needs and happiness should take precedence over your other family ties.

Of course if your parents need help because of age or infirmity you have a duty to help them but even that doesn't necessarily involve uprooting your H and going to live where they do.