Funeral Plans, where do I come in?

[Ineke]

I am in a situation which I am finding unbelievably hard. My husband has been given a diagnosis of a life limiting disease which may eventually affect his speech as well as mobility. He has been “getting his affairs in order”which includes his funeral plans. This includes his music choices as well as people he wants to make readings, people who I don’t really know but I have met and am happy for them to read. I am happy to go along with most of this but said to him that his wife and children do need to have input of their own as well as his wishes, myself and our children have their own memories too. I feel that planning a funeral for a beloved is part of a grieving process and if he take it all out of his family’s hands, we will feel almost as if we are not a part of his funeral. We are already grieving as there is no future. I am feeling pushed out and am finding it hard to go forward thinking this. His family does mean a lot to him but it seems that his fellow activists mean more, he wants them to recount all his exploits, but this is only a small window of his life and does not include his family, wife and two children. I don’t know what to say to him and would like some thoughts from other Mumsnet users please, and thank you.

He is expressing his wishes just now. He may change his mind and you can of course adapt his plan as you see fit when he sadly passes.

It may be his way of trying to connect with people now or try to find his identity as he faces his own death. He is struggling.

Try not to feel rejected / take it personally. He know he has you by his side and what you mean to him. He is trying to make sense / connect with the rest.

Things will change rapidly. Get your support network in place and speak to someone as it’s a tough journey ahead.

Could you have a private wake or scattering ceremony for just close family? Are the children old enough to be pall bearers, or read a tribute they have written. Draw something for the order of service? So sorry about all this, but the funeral directors will involve you in everything at the end and it's important you speak up if you feel you and the children are sidelined.

I think this is good advice. I imagine he's maybe being overly pragmatic or maybe looking at this as a way to take pressure off you and your children so you don't have to worry about organising anything while grieving (even though I fully understand your point about it being a part of that process).

I haven't been in his shoes but I imagine that it could be quite overwhelming trying to sum up your life in a way and it would make a lot of sense to me that he may adjust his wishes as this all sinks in, in stages. Thinking about the work aspect might be emotionally easier than thinking about you and your children and that side of his legacy for him.

I would maybe ask him if it's OK for you to adjust things as you and the children need to when the time comes with the promise that you'll do your best to uphold his wishes. That way, if you all don't feel up to much you can follow what he's requested, or if you need to do something additional you can?

The idea of a private ceremony of some sort for you and the kids is a good idea too. I know people who have gone through the motions with a funeral but then had a more intimate and for them in some respects more meaningful ceremony when they scattered ashes.

This is all a lot for both of you and I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much.