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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need advice but AIBU

3 replies

Sherrytriffle12345 · 22/04/2025 23:16

OK gonna try and keep this brief.. been with my husband nearly 16 years I am four years older than him and the age difference has never caused any issue until the last 6 months.. not sure if it is part of menopause and hormones but this has hit me like a ton of bricks and I want the feeling to stop as its driving me to being so upset and overthinking and I know if I continue I will.push him away.
I have a loving husband and I have never ever in the 16 years felt insecure as he has never given me a reason until now... previous relationship cheated on me (just for context) He has worked where he has for about 20 years and he works hard. Over the years there has been different women working in the office and he has never spoken to me about them. There has been new staff and two new women started a year ago there which he told me about, I simply asked a question of oh they look young (I pick him up sometimes) and he said "one is 20 and the other i am not sure but she told me she used to date a 43 year old man when she was in her he 20"s" I said to him why did you feel the need to tell me that? I never asked that I just made a comment... this started me to feel like why did he tell me this i do not understand, we continued the conversation and he told me that she is a good looking woman.. Now this is the issue, she is younger, she is fitter, she is more attractive than me. This has caused my anxiety to go through the roof.. as I said he has always been my safety place, my rock etc since then I have a feeling of dread of he is gonna go off with her. I feel now i am not thin enough (I.am over weight) I am too old, i feel ugly,I feel that I am not good enough for him or anyone.
Also just to add he has never wanted to go on works night out before now (I.kept telling him to go) now since Xmas he wants to go out with work.. I would never ever stop him but I feel ill when he goes out. This is not good for me or him.
This is not how I wanted to feel going into my next stage of live I wanted to feel content, settled and not worried.. I am going to.seek help but wanted to know if I aibu to feel this .. I cant stop over thinking

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 22/04/2025 23:33

I simply asked a question of oh they look young (I pick him up sometimes) and he said "one is 20 and the other i am not sure but she told me she used to date a 43 year old man when she was in her he 20"s"

I said to him why did you feel the need to tell me that? I never asked that I just made a comment...

I perceive that
You said : they look young
He heard that as a question (as would I in his place) "How old are they?"
He knew the one was 20 - so told you.
He knew the other one had brought up in conversation "I used to do something in my 20s" and he shared this snippet as it gives the impression she is probably in her 30s.

So, as far as he is concerned, he was answering your question.

So I think YABU

ItGhoul · 23/04/2025 00:22

CarpetKnees · 22/04/2025 23:33

I simply asked a question of oh they look young (I pick him up sometimes) and he said "one is 20 and the other i am not sure but she told me she used to date a 43 year old man when she was in her he 20"s"

I said to him why did you feel the need to tell me that? I never asked that I just made a comment...

I perceive that
You said : they look young
He heard that as a question (as would I in his place) "How old are they?"
He knew the one was 20 - so told you.
He knew the other one had brought up in conversation "I used to do something in my 20s" and he shared this snippet as it gives the impression she is probably in her 30s.

So, as far as he is concerned, he was answering your question.

So I think YABU

Agreed.

Also, four years really doesn’t qualify as an age gap.

SafeToUse · 23/04/2025 00:40

Four years - not really an age gap OP; You asked a question, he answered it - not a problem; however, suddenly wanting to go on work nights when he never used to - could be indicative of a problem. Or not.

Have you asked him why he suddenly wants to go out when he never used to? Could you just happen to drop in on one of these nights out, get a feel for the dynamics of his relationships with workmates? It may very well be that there's a good working atmosphere so nights out are more enjoyable than they used to be.

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