Husband’s Hiding Drug Use

[NellyAmelia]

Hi, this is my first post. My husband and I have been married for 24 years, when we got together he smoked and I know he took recreational drugs but I said that he would have to stop if he was to move forward with our relationship, he said he had stopped everything. After 24 years of marriage, two children and 15 years of him having mental illness inc anxiety, paranoia, mood swings, getting sacked from his job for losing his temper and me looking after him, I have now found out by accident they he’d never actually stopped the occasional drug use and smoking - him and his mates go to festivals and gigs and take mdma, they’re all 50ish. My worries are endless; he’s lied to me for years, would his mental health be so poor if he wasn’t doing drugs even occasionally, the mdma effect his prescription meds so there’s not as effective, he might have a heart attack. Now I’ve confronted him, he’s very low and now I feel guilty for making him feel bad - it’s crazy!! I am 56 and no idea what to do, I feel like I’ve been conned and the life I’ve lead wasn’t even real.

Am I overreacting - is this a normal part of life for some and I should just accept he has this other life every few months.

That’s definitely not an overreaction. He’s not who he’s all the years presented himself as. That in itself is a betrayal. I know a lot of people have some level of tolerance for drugs but I happen to have none. Zero. I would NEVER knowingly be with anyone that uses drugs and so for me, it’s a clear cut case.

He sounds like a nightmare. Does he also take coke or smoke skunk? Drugs can trigger mental health problems and exacerbate them.

I'd go batshit if I'd been tiptoeing around him for years and he'd made my life hell while he took drugs.

You sound codependent and may benefit from reading up on it.

So OP your H has been lying to you all your married life. Basically living a double life.

You have no idea what else he has been up to that you know nothing about.

And he has hugely contributed to his own mental health problems.

Why you should feel bad about upsetting him is a total mystery to me.
You should be incandescent with anger at his deception and the betrayal of your trust.

Those MH symptoms seem entirely consistent with taking a lot of cocaine so I'd heavily suspect that if I were you.

I don’t think you should try to rationalise any of this. He’s been very dishonest with you and picking his mental health, which you’ve supported him with, away from his long term drug use willl be impossible. I’m very sorry this has happened, you must feel dreadful but please don’t let his feelings and his dark moods manipulate you into doing anything other than what’s best for you.

Been in your shoes and it doesn’t get any better. Luckily I wasn’t married to him so I left. I don’t often say LTB on here but this is one time I will because you won’t win this battle.

I'd find it very unusual for someone who takes mdma not to also use cocaine. How often is he taking it? Smoking cannabis very regularly can definitely cause paranoia and mood swings, it depends how regularly he's taking mdma if it would -

MDMA use has been associated with anxiety and panic attacks. Studies have shown that people who regularly use MDMA may experience poor sleep, a lack of appetite, confusion, depression, anxiety, paranoia, and memory or attention problems.

Honestly, after everything you have had to deal with this would be the final straw for me. Men in their late 50s taking drugs is pathetic and I'd lose all respect for him.

Taking MDMA depletes your serotonin receptors as it floods them during the high and then leaves you feeling very lethargic, down and anxious when it wears off - the ‘comedown’. So if he’s doing it even semi regularly he will be worsening his mental health and if he’s taking any medication it will be far less effective and in some cases even counterproductive.

Am I overreacting - is this a normal part of life for some and I should just accept he has this other life every few months.

Obviously you are not overreacting. Please don't gaslight yourself. Taking recreational drugs might be normal for some, however if this is something you aren't happy with then you don't have to accept this. Also being lied to for decades, and being married to someone who makes poor life choices and decieves you is also something you don't have to accept. Come on Op, you know deep down that you deserve better!

Any stimulant drug is risky even for younger users but in your 50s that's truly playing Russian roulette with your heart.
No way would I even consider doing it now and I used amphetamine for years.
The party has to end sometime.

Thank everyone I appreciate your honesty and no nonsense advice, I feel a little stupid that I didn’t notice but I assumed it was his mental health, he’s on Venlafaxine Pregabalin and statins so I am worried about his health, he doesn’t seem worried and swears the mdma helps him as it gives him something to blow off steam, which is what addicts say I guess. He’s going out with ‘the drugs crowd’ in two weeks and has said he won’t use but I think he’ll just lie again. Mutual friends of ours have said they have suspected but didn’t know for sure, they are also hurt and we’ve all looked after him over the years. I know I should leave him but at 56 I’m bloody terrified, I’ve got a good job and could afford to live alone with some lifestyle changes but I’ll lose my family home, my life as I know it and to live alone after all these years, it’s a big step.

@NellyAmelia There is an alternative which is to stop enabling him. Stop acting like his caseworker.

He wants to do drugs so let him deal with the consequences. When was the last time you did something for yourself?

Treat him like an adult who can take responsibility for his own choices. It's very freeing.

You might find this helpful

Not an overreaction.

In addition to all that others have said, the illegal drugs trade leads to countless deaths and a lot of crime. I have no issue with Mexicans and do not want black young men being stabbed from it (or any other reason).

I completely agree, the children and families
involved in county lines too. It’s awful and not an infrastructure I want to support in any way

Thank you this is making me think I’ve been sleepwalking for years. He’s not one of my children yet I feel he’s more needy than either of them especially now they are adults

I agree

Thank you I have orders it in audible - definitely should be a useful listen

He says he takes weed and mdma when he’s out with a specific group of mates around every 6 weeks ish and occasionally coke.

I've just read he's on pregabalin it's a mental drug and is heavily abused by addicts. We met someone abroad who was addicted to it and his behaviour was wild, I can't imagine mixing it with the types of drugs he is is good for his mental health at all.

I really don't throw around advice to leave a partner often but I couldnt live like this with someone who struggles with their mental health and actively chooses to take drugs which will be having a further negative effect, it's not fair on you. He gets to go have the "fun effects" of the drugs then you need to deal with the fall out after.

anxiety, paranoia, mood swings, getting sacked from his job

I thought coke might be involved. All his mental health symptoms are explained by drug use.

Drugs like skunk can trigger mental health problems such as psychosis, paranoia and anxiety.

Druggies lie and downplay their use, irrespective, he shouldn't touch any drugs given his so called mental health problems.

We’ve just had another chat where I pushed him and he does take coke weed mdma as well as the pregabalin and Venlafaxine. I was very calm and asked him if he felt they were harming him or putting him at risk and he said no, not at all. He feels he isn’t an addict because he only has them twice a year but when we looked at it, it was 6 occasions where it’s been a 1 or 2 day binge since last April. He’s completely irrational, it’s so upsetting as he’s a very intelligent man but he’s blind to it. He had said he’ll not take anything at his next festival, which is next weekend but also worries that I won’t believe him if he doesn’t. So he’ll probably use that as an excuse. It’s too much to take in atm - after 20+ years of marriage but I know it’s not something I can live with and there’s no compromise. Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone.

I posted up thread,it doesn't matter that he doesn't see himself as an addict.
His age 50 is against him and taking cocaine or any other stimulant drug is high risk for increased blood pressure/heart attack.

Your husband may not want to face facts, but he's a drug addict. He's taking a cocktail of drugs, on top of medication and poor mental health. Unfortunately, unless he's willing to accept he has a drug issue and actually wants help, there's nothing you can do. The only person who can help your husband is your husband. Often addicts have to reach rock bottom, before they are willing to seek help. Your husband is far far away from admitting to himself he's an addict, let alone wanting help. Your husband has lied throughout your marriage and you're always the one who has to pick up the pieces from the fallout. You're 56 years old, it's time to start thinking of you, rather than a husband who clearly isn't bothered about you. Please don't waste your life away with this man. Far better to be on your own, that having to deal with your husband's issues, that appear to be somewhat self- inflicted.