what to tee up before serving divorce papers?

[itsallsohard]

It's over, I think, well, I know, but I am terrified. Before I actually pull the trigger and serve divorce papers on him, what should I sort out first? To be clearer: we have been married 32 years, our youngest just turned 21 but is disabled and still dependent; I have been a SAHM, not by my own choice, for 21 years. I have never worked in the UK; we moved here after we'd been married 15 years. He was British; I did get myself the passport.

I am looking to divorce because, among other problems, he has been hiding both income and spending from me. All the income comes from him. All the utility bills are in his name. I know in theory he will have to disclose, and the courts will give me some assets, but all the future earning power is his; meanwhile, during the divorce itself, I appear to have no source of money at all to pay a lawyer or rent or food. We are both 58, but he "retired" a year ago and is refusing to find a new job; I haven't worked for 21 years. I am willing to work, even eager (another cause of divorce is that he won't "let me," and yes I agree that's ridiculous); but the point is, my earning potential no longer matches his.

I have no family in this country. I am terrified, which is why I haven't pulled the trigger a lot earlier, but where should I start? What do I need to know/document/move out of the shared house before I tell him? He is not physically abusive.

And, I don't know, stuff that should (I ashamedly admit) be basic: my name is on the mortgage for our house, but some years ago he made it an online-only account without sharing login details, so I can't even see what is still owing or how much we pay per month on the house we live in. I can't imagine how the lender allowed this, but what am I supposed to do now? All I know is our address and the name of the mortgage holding bank?

Ridiculous as it sounds, one of my thoughts is that I have a huge pile of things to sell that I don't want to have to split with him but also can't find the energy to sell now: I don't mean like clothes for Vinted, I mean like silver bits from my parents, antiques, things that might be genuinely worth selling if I weren't so busy trying not to fall apart. But maybe it would be better to hold onto them now as, if I sell them, the money would have to be split? On the other hand, if we separate and even if we end up in similar-sized flats, neither of us can afford the space for all these extra things.

I have no idea even how to find a divorce lawyer. I mean, how do I know who's expensive, who's worth it?

Genuinely, divorced peers of mine, tell me all your big and small tips, not on how to cheat the system but to protect myself during the coming crisis. If I had a f*ing clue, I wouldn't obviously have ended up in this situation.

No advice but solidarity to you. Well done for taking that first step of making the decision to give yourself a better life ❤️

Are you in London? If in London I can recommend Osbornes. More expensive are Withers, Stewarts, Manches and Payne Hicks Beach. If you’re not in London look on the website Chambers & Partners and it may be able to direct you. Don’t be embarrassed to ask about hourly rates - some firms will even suggest a cheaper firm if it’s clear you don’t have the budget. £600 per hour up is expensive, you’re looking for £450 per hour and lower for a partner with hopefully an associate doing most of the actual work. Your husband will have to pay. Don’t sell anything yet as you’d have to disclose it. Don’t look for work yet, not until the court makes you. Make sure you go for his pension. If possible do as much paperwork yourself as possible - you’ll have to fill out the financial disclosure Form E which is a year’s worth of financial statements. If you can provide them to the solicitor as completely and neatly as possible it’ll save on costs. Make sure all communication with your solicitor is super concise and super clear - do not use them as a therapist as that’s how bills rack up. Obviously costs of your son’s ongoing care should also factor in. Wishing you luck.

One thing I was told AFTER I’d struggled to pay for a solicitor (info too late) was that they will sometimes agree to take their fees from your final settlement and you can arrange a payment plan.
(I was working and fortunately employer gave me an advance on my pay taking repayments every month so I managed. I know your situation is different)

Thank you, this is all very helpful!