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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged from FiL

18 replies

caspersville · 22/04/2025 22:18

I’m hoping for some MN wisdom on a difficult situation.

For background, DH has had a difficult relationship with FiL over the years. FiL acts generally oblivious to DHs woes about their relationship, despite DH having several heart to hearts with him over time. Problems stem from FiL having multiple affairs and breaking up DHs family unit growing up, telling lies over the years, and generally having alcohol/anger issues. FiL has always had a big victim complex despite the wider family often making accommodations and excuses for him.

These tensions all came to a head 2 years ago, where FiL crossed a line from an alcohol/anger POV with DHs sibling, causing sibling to cut ties completely with FiL. DH made it clear that changes needed to happen otherwise he would cut ties too, promises were made but FiL went off the radar. DH is devastated because he thought FiL could change/ would change if he truly cared enough to try. Over the 2 years DH is convinced FiL has rewritten the narrative in his head. DHs two siblings are also refusing to reach out to FiL this time.

DH is finding it really hard and is in therapy. We are due to have a baby next month. We haven’t spoken to FiL for 2 years but we know that he is aware we are expecting. It will be his first GC and we thought it might give him the motivation to reach out and try and make amends but we haven’t heard anything. We have had a text off a distant family member on FiLs side to say that they can’t believe we haven’t been in touch with him to tell him our news but we know he will having been laying it on thick with them. Sadly we strongly suspect he has narcissistic personality traits.

What would you do in this situation? Is it worth one last conversation/ultimatum. DH doesn’t want to but this feels like a crossroads where we are rapidly becoming estranged from FiL and DH is hurting.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 22/04/2025 22:26

Well he’s not going to change is he, he’s had plenty of opportunities. Why would you want your child to have anything to do with him?

Your DH made a decision two years ago, you need to stick with it

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 22/04/2025 22:29

It’s up to your DH and he doesn’t want to speak to him. Leave it at that.
Narcissists will wreak havoc on your DC if you let them. It’s better when they never get the chance.

S0j0urn4r · 22/04/2025 22:32

Why would you want this aggressive, abusive drunk anywhere near your child?

Original poster
caspersville · 22/04/2025 22:35

Just to clarify, I don’t think we should try to rebuild the relationship. BUT DH is deeply deeply hurt and I wanted to know if MN thought AIBU. I’ve supported DH and given my opinion but told him the decision is ultimately his.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 22/04/2025 22:35

Does your DH honestly believe his F will change ?
Why on earth would he want to inflict his F on your child ?

ThinWomansBrain · 22/04/2025 22:41

Vaxtable · 22/04/2025 22:26

Well he’s not going to change is he, he’s had plenty of opportunities. Why would you want your child to have anything to do with him?

Your DH made a decision two years ago, you need to stick with it

this

sounds like GH's sibling made the right decision.
Your DH is in therapy but you think it's a good idea to push for a relationship again?
Why FFS?

If you had an abusive father whom you'd never got on with, how would you feel about DH pushing you to rekindle the relationship?
Doesn't sound as if FiL was hugely into family life when DH was a child - what makes you think that at the sight of your offspring he'll suddenly have an epiphany, all will be sunlight and roses and he'll be GF of the year?

Original poster
caspersville · 22/04/2025 22:53

I don’t understand why people think I’m pushing for a relationship. I said I don’t think we should. I’m asking for advice on whether we are being reasonable, as DH questions all the time whether he has made the right call.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 22/04/2025 22:56

your DH is right

Giving FIL more chances is ultimately just going to prolong the hurt

crockofshite · 22/04/2025 22:57

Vaxtable · 22/04/2025 22:26

Well he’s not going to change is he, he’s had plenty of opportunities. Why would you want your child to have anything to do with him?

Your DH made a decision two years ago, you need to stick with it

This. First post nails it.

Stop wasting time on this self absorbed loser.

Concentrate on your husband and baby.

I wouldn't want my children around this turkey. He doesn't sound like a fun kind grandad to me.

Thelnebriati · 22/04/2025 23:14

''Over the 2 years DH is convinced FiL has rewritten the narrative in his head.''

I think this might be close to the heart of the problem; when you escape a narcissist first they go into victim mode and then they go after your reputation. It is very tempting to want to set the record straight; but that is part of their game and you actually need to walk away.
Its a mistake to think that going no contact will shock the other person into changing their ways and treating you better. We can't control other people, we can't fix them. We can only accept them the way they are.

Your DH may well be right about what his father thinks, but there is nothing he can do about it. This may sound harsh but after 2 years of no contact and therapy, your DH should really be moving past the stage of needing his father to change, or worrying about what lies he believes or is spreading.
Your DH should bring this up with his therapist, or find a new therapist who understands toxic family dynamics and narcissistic abuse.

alcoholnightmare · 23/04/2025 00:33

In the kindest way…. Leave FIL to it. I’m an alcoholic and have picked wine over my family over and over again. He’s doing the same.

ThinWomansBrain · 25/04/2025 18:12

Misinterpreted the post - but me, or anyone posting along the lines of "WTF would you push for a relationship with FiL", surely is saying the same thing - stay away from this unhealthy relationship that has caused your DH to get therapy.
I think it would be very unreasonable of you to pursue any kind of relationship with him.

PassingStranger · 25/04/2025 18:36

caspersville · 22/04/2025 22:18

I’m hoping for some MN wisdom on a difficult situation.

For background, DH has had a difficult relationship with FiL over the years. FiL acts generally oblivious to DHs woes about their relationship, despite DH having several heart to hearts with him over time. Problems stem from FiL having multiple affairs and breaking up DHs family unit growing up, telling lies over the years, and generally having alcohol/anger issues. FiL has always had a big victim complex despite the wider family often making accommodations and excuses for him.

These tensions all came to a head 2 years ago, where FiL crossed a line from an alcohol/anger POV with DHs sibling, causing sibling to cut ties completely with FiL. DH made it clear that changes needed to happen otherwise he would cut ties too, promises were made but FiL went off the radar. DH is devastated because he thought FiL could change/ would change if he truly cared enough to try. Over the 2 years DH is convinced FiL has rewritten the narrative in his head. DHs two siblings are also refusing to reach out to FiL this time.

DH is finding it really hard and is in therapy. We are due to have a baby next month. We haven’t spoken to FiL for 2 years but we know that he is aware we are expecting. It will be his first GC and we thought it might give him the motivation to reach out and try and make amends but we haven’t heard anything. We have had a text off a distant family member on FiLs side to say that they can’t believe we haven’t been in touch with him to tell him our news but we know he will having been laying it on thick with them. Sadly we strongly suspect he has narcissistic personality traits.

What would you do in this situation? Is it worth one last conversation/ultimatum. DH doesn’t want to but this feels like a crossroads where we are rapidly becoming estranged from FiL and DH is hurting.

Leave it.
Ignore that relative that tries to tell you what to do

None of their business

Purplesy · 25/04/2025 18:58

No I wouldn't.
He's a toxic man.
Why on earth would you around him your new family?
Do you really want years of drama?
He was an awful father.
Keep him the hell away from your new child.
Take this as a blessing and a win.
Encourage your husband to invest in therapy.

He cannot change anyone, least of all a selfish parent.

groovylady · 25/04/2025 19:01

He won't change.
Flying monkeys will be getting his version of course.
Keep up with the therapy and best wishes for your baby

AmusedGoose · 25/04/2025 19:05

Sadly FIL won't change but DH can change how he views him. Look for some books about this. Sadly there is no easy fix. Hopefully DH will be so bowled over by baby that he will focus on being a good father himself instead of trying to resolve something that's irreparable.

Estranged from FiL
Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2025 19:18

The ONLY thing relevant in your post is that your DH doesn't want to reach out to him.
Support him

TorroFerney · 25/04/2025 19:19

caspersville · 22/04/2025 22:53

I don’t understand why people think I’m pushing for a relationship. I said I don’t think we should. I’m asking for advice on whether we are being reasonable, as DH questions all the time whether he has made the right call.

Well he will, that’s the abuse and gaslighting. It’s why women stay with men who beat them up.

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