To think the role of grandparents has changed in a generation?

[lifeonthelane]

I was listening to a podcast the other day which was discussing how we are one of the only species to live for decades past breeding age, and the theory was that we have evolved this way due to the way we support our children to raise their children (which other species don't do).

It got me thinking... are we losing this help due to the way society has changed? People having children older, or people working until they are older, therefore grandparents being too old or unavailable to help in the way they have with previous generations?

I've noticed a shift in how involved my own grandparents were in my upbringing compared to my children's grandparents; my (not local) grandparents would regularly have me for up to a week from around age 2 to give my parents a break (and me a treat!), and my husband tells me that he would stay with (local) grandparents most weekends for the same reasons. In contrast, my husband and I haven't had a child free night away together since becoming parents (our eldest is 7) because our own parents can't/don't do overnights.

Both sets of our parents have wonderful relationships with us and our children - they are present, loving and involved, and do babysit a few times a year during the daytime/evening so we can have a break. This is in no way a grandparent-bashing post and we feel very lucky with the support network we do have.

I'm just intrigued if others have observed a similar shift and have noticed a difference in grandparents' roles a generation apart?

I think it's just different families and different circumstances.

I never really had involved grandparents as a child- the live ones weren't interested and others died before they had grandchildren.

Out of my children's grandparents 3 out of the four won't retire from full time work until well into their 70s and the 4th is a very present and involved grandparent.

At school pickup I've observed there's more grandparents than parents regularly. And even more interestingly morr dads than mums.

Some interesting thoughts!

I think it's different in different families.

In some families, one or several grand parents are dead. Not much to do about that.

Not everyone wants to live close to their parents/parents-in-law.
I have a female friend, who is in her 80s now. She moved to her husband's family farm and lived next door to her parents-in-law, from age 25. It had many upsides, of course, but also some negatives. Sure, some childcare from the grandparents, but also less privacy, and the fact that she was the one to take care of her parents-in-law when they became very old.

I am not a parent myself, but I know that many parents are not comfortable with leaving their two year old child with the grandparents for a week, or even a night.

At a risk of anecdotes fighting anecdotes.. You have more support from your children’s grandparents than I have ever had, than my parents ever had with me, and my grandparents ever had with my parents. It so depends on individuals involved.

my parents have now babysat twice, but that’s over the course of 13 years of grandparenting and one of those times was a medical emergency. But thst is twice more than my grandparents ever looked after me so you could say grandparent involvement had increased over the generations for me…

It’s civilisation: humans have moved on from basic biological patterns. We did this long before the last generation. I think the more recent changes are due to women unshackling themselves from cultural chains.

I think the only time my grandparents ever babysat any of their grandchildren were for medical emergencies and parents evenings. Wonderful people, all of them, but neither they nor my parents saw their role as providing childcare.

I have noticed this with me and my friends parents.
I think it’s because our parents tend to work till they are older and then want to enjoy their social lives while still fit and active rather than get too involved in grandchildren babysitting/care. That said my in-laws and my mum enjoy seeing our children, and occasionally will watch one of them while we take the other to a party for example. But no one is volunteering overnights or to babysit!

My own mum and dad look after my pre-school child two days a week and my mum says she meets lots of grand parents in the park and also knows of other socially that do the same, so I do think it varies more than your OP suggests.

I'm in my 50s and have my grandson one day a week so his parents can work unsocial hours.
My own grandparents regularly looked after me in the school holidays. And my 5 siblings.

My own parents never babysat or took my boys even for a day. They did emergency childcare. That's all.
I adore my grandson. I'd look after him more if I could but I'm a carer for my disabled DH as well as working part time

That's the grandmother hypothesis, that women live longer then reproductive age to help with grandchildren. It has been debunked as a theory.

I agree with the other poster that it has more to do with women unshackling themselves from spending their lives being an unpaid carer when they would prefer to do other things.

I guess more people are having children later so their parents are older? I had my children in my 20s, my parents were in their 50s and my mum looked after my eldest two when I went back to work. Even when I stopped working after baby no 3 (and 4 and 5!) they were still very involved, happy to have the kids overnight if we went out. I think that it gets harder when Grandparents are in their 60s and 70s - it's very tiring looking after little ones!

I think this leapfrogs.
If Bill and Jane are bringing up children but aren't enjoying it they rely heavily on their parents. Their children Sid and Jemima go on to have children with their respective spouses thinking 'it's not that hard, kids go to their grandparents 2 whole weeks in the summer, and every Friday night.". But Bill and Jane are the same people they've always been and still don't enjoy the company of small children so aren't offering to have the grandkids at all. Sid and Jemima (and partners) had high expectations but these aren't met.
Meanwhile in another family where no grandparent care was used the parents think "wow this is hard" and resolve to help their own kids as much as possible. These kids has no expectation of grandparent help as their parents never got any, so are impressed with whatever is offered!

It varies from family to family. My mother was brought up on the family farm and her parents lived there with their parents. My grandmother looked after her parents until they died in the late 60s. My great grandmother greatly looked after my mother throughout the war years as my grandmother, with her father, was running the farm because her brothers and husband were at war.

My parents were not committed parents and I would say my upbringing was 50% parents and 50% grandparents.

I had my DC at 35 plus when mother was caring pretty much full-time until my grandparents died.

We were too far away for regular overnight visits (200 mile round trip( but when I was back at work and dc were 7 they used to go to mother's for a week at a time in the holidays.

My grandmother was never an employee so had flexibility. My mother was self employed from late 30s to early 50s and then did step's books.

I am mid 60s and still employed so have less flexibility but am reducing hours in the autumn so I can do more for mother.

I imagine I am likely to be nearly 70 when the dc have children. I am not persuaded I will be up for heavy duty grandparents but dh and I have agreed that we will help with nursery fees and emergencies where possible. We never had the emergency cover.

I am very involved in my grandchildren 's life's. My parents were not at all involved in my children's lives and I didn't know my grandparents at all. So my experience is the complete opposite of OPs. My friends who are the same age have similar experiences so I don't think grandparents are less involved now.

I actually find now it’s the opposite - my friends are all insanely reliant on their parents and most of my mum’s friends are unpaid labour for their grandchildren and are exhausted by it. I think grandparents today do way too much, I’d be ashamed to ask for that much help for free.

I was a 90’s kid and didn’t have involved grandparents - they were loving but we saw them once every six weeks or so, and they very rarely babysat me. Most kids I knew grew up similarly.

My grandparents were never involved in my upbringing. One set we didn't live near and the other set weren't interested.

It is similar for my DC. One set moved to another country and the other one isn't interested.

I do know friends who had grandparents very involved, though and friends whose children now have a lot of grandparent involvement.

It's cultural to an extent too. In my area the school run is done by a lot of grandparents, and it's not uncommon to live a couple of streets away from your parents.

We didn’t live near our grandparents, so
no Grand-parental help at all . My siblings didn’t stay them without parents until aged nine or so.

My dc’s grandparents only babysat occasionally. No weekly childcare.

on mn, I see there’s an expectation that gp do childcare on a weekly basis, so I think there’s more involvement, not less.

I think it varies a lot so you can’t generalise, some kids are really hard work and I can understand why the grand parents aren’t keen on overnights!

Age is also a factor, my mum had my dd a lot when dd was young, my mum was in her late 50s/early 60s then. Now she’s in her 70s she doesn’t feel as keen to have my young nieces and nephews as it’s too stressful for her.

I certainly had friends who had tea and sleepovers with grandparents regularly.

My own grandparents lived a 10 hour drive away so saw them maybe twice a year. I don’t remember any babysitting but I did go and stay with them when I was studying for exams and it was noisy at home due to siblings. Loved them dearly despite the distance.

Both my parents were the first generation to go to university and then moved further afield for professional careers. I then also went away to university and have moved around for a professional career. My parents are fantastic for helping with holiday childcare. My parents never needed that from my grandparents as DM was a SAHM never going back to her professional career after having me.

So I think there’s something about geography and education. But also the norm and need for dual income families now.

We spent a lot of time with GP when I was a child in the 60s and 70s - we loved it as they spoilt us and my parents got a break (realised as an adult it was to help financially and minimise the impact of DF mental health)
When my DC were young (in the 1990s) they were very absent living their best lives and ignored my needs as a lone parent
Now I’m 60+ with grown up DC and would love to be a grandparent but won’t be able to help that much as I’ll be unlikely to afford to retire and at my age have just taken on a new career that I can continue until 75 as have virtually no private pension and low savings due to being sole household wage earner for last 30+ years

My Grandparents lived 5 miles away and were both retired so yes, they helped out a lot. Especially as, more unusually then, both my parents were full time working professionals. Dh and my parents live 3500 miles away as we emigrated. They were also all still working when my children were very small but they did help out in any way they could, including always insisting that we had a weekend away when they visited so we could have a break,

We could realistically become Grandparents at any time but we are both only 50 and work will be very much in our lives for quite a while yet. So, we'll help out how we can but we still have to pay our bills and, you know, eat!

Hopefully that reads that DH's parents and my parents live 3500 miles away. DH is very much living here!

I see a large number of Grandparents doing a huge amount of childcare often while they are still working too, they look exhausted.
My grandparents never looked after me, no babysitting, no days out, my DC have never spent time alone with a grandparent either.
If my DC (adults but don’t have any plans for DC) were to have children I would cover emergency childcare, I would happily take them on a day out, a picnic at the park, weekends away when older, have them overnight for a special occasion but I would not agree to any kind of fixed schedule of childcare or babysitting.

So many people don’t live by family
any more. People have to move to where the job opportunities are or move due to family circumstances.

I never had grandparents and was never left with anyone but my mum was a SAHM in the 60s when I grew up. Interestingly she was a completely uninterested grandmother herself. She divorced my dad, remarried and moved miles away. Never babysat or came to visit. Maybe she’d had enough of kids! But as I never had grandparents I didn’t have any expectations and it didn’t bother me.

my GP did look after us, but then again their lives revolved around children and family. Very traditional set up. My Gm looked after gc at various ages but then again that’s all she did in her life, keep a home, have children, raise them and that was her life.
My dm will help out but she travels the world after a very hard life and good for her.
Dh and I are older parents 44 with youngest being 3yo. When they are adults I am done with raising children and will not be doing what my GP did. Happy to do the occasional help but I won’t commit to anything more. I will still be very involved though.

I don’t have that expectation of my own Dm so I don’t expect my dc to want that from me.