To suggest inter generational living to my husband?

[TheWildZebra]

Hi everyone

TLDR would you buy your first home with your parents due to unaffordavility and care issues?

My husband and I are in our early 30s. We currently rent in an expensive area of the UK. We’d love to buy, and have a home to raise a kid, but we can’t afford the kind of property we’d like ( 2 bed flats are, for example, unaffordable). Together we earn about £100k but starting earning late as we both did PhDs so don’t have a huge amount of savings.

my parents are wanting to move to our part of the country, and similarly their buying power from selling the family home in a lovely but more affordable part of the country, leaves them with much less to spend on what they want here (think garden, quaint location).

at present their budget would still put them an hour from where we live/work. My dad has severe care needs and my mum is his main carer and pushing late 70s. I’m worried that 2 years down the line I’m going to be commuting to see them a couple of times a week after getting home from work to check they’re ok etc.

ive wondered whether buying our first home with them would be a good solution - would both then be able to afford the kind of home we want, and in a reasonable location too. if we had kids it would be nice to have GPs on doorstep. No need to commute to see them and less “pressure” to visit them as there anyway; at hand if an emergency. My DH and I get along very well with my parents, and I lived with them over lockdown and it was surprisingly fun! I’m also sad when I can’t see my dad as often as I want, so it would be nice to be around him more often. He had a stroke so communication is slow and it’s usually the quiet moments when I’m not rushing around that actually are quality time with him.

My worry is would it be suffocating? Would my marriage lose out from being in this familial home? What are the financial/legal implications of sharing ownership between generations (I have older siblings too if that makes a difference).

DH is politely not that enthusiastic, but sees the rationale for suggesting it. Understandably I think is worried that we wouldn’t have our own space/not being able to relax properly.

Does anyone have experience of this, and can you speak to how it affected your relationships? Was there any set up financially or in terms of the property that worked well/didnt?

I think in this sort of situation it absolutely has to be the right house and also with a very careful legal setup for example should one of your parents pass away what would then happen? should you and your husband divorce what would then happen? and also whether or not you have a sibling (or siblings)

I think you can ask your DH what he thinks about it but be prepared for him to say no. I couldn't have lived with my parents or in laws, much as I love them! They would come and stay when the children were young and honestly I was relieved when they went home. It was just too much for more than three or four days. I understand your need for having them close to you as they're getting older - my mum has moved just around the corner from me now, she's 83 and I pop round most days, so does my sister. She had to downsize significantly to afford it and struggled at first with a much smaller house but she's used to it now and it's much easier to keep clean etc. She loved her big garden before but it had become unmanageable. Could your mum & dad find somewhere smaller near you? Could you both move to a less pricey area?

Will your mother be able to care for your father in the future, or will he need professional carers?
Will he be able to live "at home", with you, forever, or will there be a day when he might have to move to a care home/nursing home?

I thought similarly if I bought a big house and took the top floor and my elderly parent the ground floor would it work out cheaper. I think it would but as the previous posters said you’d need to be careful how the finances were lined up to ensure that your home couldn’t be sold to pay care home fees etc. or you’d be homeless.

I think you’re ignoring many things that could go wrong.

You say your Dad already needs care, what if he needs professional care and you have to sell the home to fund it?

What if your mum dies (sorry, but it is possible), you and your DH then become your dad’s live in carers. Can you perform that role and work? Raise a child?

What if you die and your H is then left living with your parents?

Apologies for all the death in my post, but my “perfectly healthy” DH in his 40s left one morning and died before he’d reached his destination. It happens, more often than you think.

If you this, you need to have worked out exactly what happens in the future with regards to ownership of the house? Do you have siblings who would stand to inherit part of what would be your home? What would happen in the event of your marriage breakdown, etc.

Like others, I think the legal and financial difficulty is that you have siblings.

If your parents put all their money into a home you then live in, how are you going to share 'their estate' with your siblings when your parents then die ?

But I also wonder how you are going to care for your parents (you say your Dad already has significant care needs) whilst working FT ?

Even if none of this applied, I personally wouldn't want to share my home with any other couple (including my parents, let alone my in-laws). My home is my place to relax and let all barriers down. I don't care how nice my in-laws are, I don't want to be sitting in the same room as them every evening. I don't want to be accommodating their food preferences, or them wanting the heating on more, or them wanting to watch X on TV every night or needing the volume turned up because they are going a bit deaf, let alone them being privy to any argument dh and I have, le alone if we want to make up.

I think generational sharing can work in some circumstances, but I think most of us would struggle, even before care needs are thrown in.

I have a friend that lives with her DD and family. She has the lower level with her own entrance. It has a bedroom, den, kitchen and bathroom. And a door that leads upstairs to the main house. She says at times she doesn’t see her DD or her family for days at a time. She loves it and I would love to have the same setup with my DD if it was ever an option.

Hi everyone thanks for all your thoughts. Definitely a lot in here that I didn’t think about. I suppose in principle it sounds like a good idea, but in practice not so simple. I think best thing is for us to find somewhere within 10 mins drive of each-other or so to give the flexibility and reduce the admin/legal stress of shared ownership of the property.

thanks all so much!

Yes, you need a concrete plan for if someone wants to move, dies, or needs to move into a care home. You’d have to set it up as a trust to avoid it needing to be sold to pay for care home fees, for example.

Also as your parents age you may find that because they are living with family social services essentially wash their hands of care needs etc because they are safer than say someone living alone.

I think it can work really well if everyone has their own space. So, if you can find somewhere with an annexe or similar accommodation attached, that gave your parents their own lounge, kitchen and bathroom, then that might work. Otherwise, I wouldn’t recommend it. Are you an only child? If so, your parents might be happy having the property in your name, but this would leave them vulnerable to being homeless should you ever divorce.

It ties you to the house.

The complications should you wish to relocate for work would be huge.

Or what if you have 4 kids and can’t fit them all in?

Things feel very different once you have kids. What if you wanted to move for the right secondary school?

You cannot be your parents’ main carers. Not if you have an absorbing career that matters to you, kids and a marriage that you wish to preserve.

I think this will only work if (most importantly) your husband can see it working. Then you will need to find a place big enough that you have you can have separate bathroom and living accommodation. Shared kitchen will be ok, as your parents are probably not producing 4 course meals every day. My older relatives now prefer smaller snacky meals, or a good ready meal, which takes no time to prepare.