How to cope with l in laws who make me feel uncomfortable?

[Fanofpotato]

So end of a long easter weekend with the in laws. Thank goodness. For context, I'm of African heritage though born and bred in sunny Slough. In a mixed marriage with 1 DD. My husband runs a business and I'm in academia. My in laws are white and very chatty ppl. They travel and like to think of themselves as liberal. Whenever they meet a Somali waiter or cleaner or doctor, they have to converse with them, tell them their DIL is also Somali and then this conversation is always relayed back to me. "Oh that's nice/interesting etc" is what I say though I deep down am so tired of being told about every Somali they meet, and the conversation that they had.

We live a distance away so when they visit they stay with us. Im trying to unpack my feelings here but I always feel relieved when they leave. I always wish I could have said something, and constantly mull over conversations that made me feel uncomfortable but have no idea what it is I could have said. Were they even being racist? All I know is that I feel uncomfortable by some conversations. They have friends who they hang out with, and they tell me in confidence that these friends are racist. Why on earth they are friends with racists is beyond me - and why tell me?! I don't want to cause a rucus as my husband is aware that his parents make me feel uncomfortable, but they are elderly and he doesn't want to upset them. I get that. He also hates it when I'm upset so would distance himself from them but i don't want that either. Noone has been explicitly racist ever. They're a family that don't really talk about how they feel - they're always pleasant to each other but quite distanced...

Over the years I have learnt to keep my side of the family separate as it's just easier. I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I guess I'm asking if anyone is in a similar boat, or can relate to what it is I'm saying? Why do I feel so uncomfortable around them? Should I spk out, and if so what should I say?!

Thanks for reading this far.

Ugh, that sounds really tense and weird. They're a bit fixated on your background and probably trying - very clumsily- to identify with you instead of just ya know, chatting to you.

So, so weird to tell you about racist mates in particular. I think I'd let the 'I met a Somali doctor' remarks slide as they're well intended if cringe. I'd probably gently call them out on the racist friends tho. 'Wow, I don't think I'd stay very close to people with such awful views'. Might put a cork in it.

That sounds difficult. I’m guessing that they think they are finding a way to connect with you but in fact they are totally othering you.

I'm in a mixed marriage, I'm white my husband isn't and I'm very aware when my own family do this. I like to half joke "he doesn't know them just because they're country of his parents" it still hasn't stopped it after over a decade and like the pp says I think it's trying to relate and also maybe misguidedly trying to prove they're not racist.
DH has assured me it doesn't bother him, he just laughs it off, if it did I'd be more inclined to put my foot down harder but reading your post maybe I should anyway.

I think they are just trying to find something relatable to converse about-we all do this to an extent and I think the 'racist' term is bandied about far too much these days. Main thing is that you and your husband are happy, really.

I wonder if it’s the ‘othering’ of you that makes you feel uncomfortable? Almost like, ‘we met one of your people (just to remind you that you’re not one of our people)’. So it might not be overtly racist and it might be meant well but it’s the constant reminder that you are different and not from here (despite the fact you’re from Slough…)

Sigh. They haven’t got great social
skills and if it wasn’t Somalia, it would be another tangential point of contact they’re convinced you would be fascinated by.

They might get over it. In the meantime, change the subject - being bored is a risk with Other People’s Relations.

I think this too, although they are trying a bit too hard. It's odd, and they are out of touch but I really don't think they mean any harm. They are almost trying to overcompensate and show that they are not racist, and sadly racism is more common within the older generations, the 'I'm not racist, but...' types

I wonder could you tell them about every English person you meet (if they are English). When it's done in reverse, it's more obvious how off it is.

Solidarity- I know what an awkward relationship with ILs is like

Yes, I’m white, but recognise a version of the dynamic you describe from when I was a working-class Irish student at Oxford, and would go home in the vac with English friends whose parents would fall over themselves to tell me about Irish cab drivers and builders etc whom they’d met, and who were ‘terribly nice, really’. As a pp said, an attempt to connect with someone they saw as alien, but which had the effect of accentuating how ‘other’ I was to them.

I’m sorry that your ILs are subjecting you to microaggressions like this, even if they think they’re well intentioned.

What does your husband say to them?

To be entirely honest @Fanofpotato I feel the same about my MIL and she's been in my life for more than 35 years.
We are both white except MIL doesn't have the privilege of being half Jewish. She once slipped up and called DH a Jew for checking the bill. I very much enjoyed that.

"Well Henrietta, I met a lady at luncheon club and she was very posh, just like you and your mother. Well she did x, like your sort do".

It's othering and a lack of social skills. Nod and smile. I just play it back after decades of it "ooh did you hear that lady in the corner Joan, do you thinks she's posh like me? Shall we watch to see if she licks her plate?

I know I might not truly understand as I am white British. I have moved to another country. People constantly tell me about every British people they know or if their great great grandad was British. Godknows why.

My dad also tells me everytime he meets someone from the country I live in and how he told them all about me.

I also know I might not truly understand
as I am white, but I am from another European country and people always ask me if I know some
random person who is from the same country as me just because we are from the same country. I
mean, there are millions of us 😅People definitely will also tell me if they meet or know someone from my country. It doesn’t bother me and it doesn’t come from a bad place.

Being from the UK, if you go to the US or Canada people mention friends or relatives or even random people they've met in the UK as if you might have come across them😂
I found it weird enough on a much smaller scale when I worked at a big industrial plant and folks said "Do you know so-and-so?" - there were 2000 employees, for goodness sake!

I’m also from an African country but also Asian and have a unique surname in this country but there are thousands of us back home. I went for a doctor appointment once and the doctor was incredibly distracted trying to recall the persons name who had the surname as me! I just think they are trying to connect.

Totally agree with the post about ‘othering’ but I’m not sure how you’d get past it without calling them out - it doesn’t seem I’ll intentioned. It seems that they’re the ‘polite’ sort so maybe there’s no deeper level to connect with anyway. Maybe change the subject quickly or ask dh to intervene. It would be interesting to know what they’re like with your child.