To resent my relationship with DF?

[Roxietrees]

My dad is in his early 70s. He’s always been extremely emotionally shut down and as a teen, while he was going through some MH difficulties was extremely aggressive, dismissive, borderline emotionally and physically abusive. However (and this may be hard to understand without knowing him, after what I’ve just described) he’s overall a very decent, kind person. Apart from these 3-4 years I described, where he was suffering deeply, he’s always been there for me, often when my mum wasn’t. He’s always done everything in his power to help me and, since I became an adult, has always been very supportive. However (and he’s always been like this but has got much worse as he’s got older) he just doesn’t talk to me. He says he loves seeing me and loves spending time with my v young DD (but only when she’s doing what she’s told - any hint of tantrums or if she’s being difficult, which of course is normal for a 4 yo) and he’s not interested or blames her for not being nice to him, which is difficult- he just doesn’t seem to get that kids that age act out and they’re not being rude or mean. Anyway, this post is more about how he behaves towards me - he’s always nice but he never asks me a single question about my life, he never initiates conversation, tbh he’s become (and I sound like a dick for saying this) but extremely dull. I’ve never been able to have deep conversations with him but we used to at least share a sense of humour. Now when he does talk he mutters on about the weather and extremely mundane topics. It’s impossible to have a conversation with him. I do all the question asking - I just get one word answers then we end up sitting in silence, cos even though I think I’m pretty good at conversation there’s only so far you can get with someone who’s completely in their own world and just doesn’t engage. It’s exhausting, and although his age has worsened it, it’s been like this for a long, long time. He’s not suffering from any form of age-related health problems that could cause this. I wish we could be closer, I try so hard but it’s just upsetting sometimes getting nothing back. He’s intelligent and knows a lot about politics & the world etc but we have very differing view points so those conversations never end well. He’s also, I‘ve always got the feeling, never thought I know much about anything so seems to think I wouldn’t “be on his level” enough to ever really have an intelligent conversation. Apologies if I’m rambling a bit, there’s multiple other issues here that affect it - his wife, my step-mum is a total monster who controls him, makes fun of him, and generally makes him very unhappy (this has made him shut down even more in recent years). He makes excuses for her constantly, I don’t understand why (myself included up until recently) people in her life but up with her, she’s so often rude and offensive. My dad just wants an easy life (same reason I put up with her until she really burnt a bridge recently) but she makes him so unhappy. I did recently have an argument with him where I got so frustrated I asked him why she lets him control her, why doesn’t he stand up to her…I wanted to say why doesn’t he fucking leave her but I know that is pointless as he never will. The way she treats him infuriates me, in response to me asking him the above things he just said “well, there’s nothing that can be done about it, it is what it is.”

Sorry, don’t really know what my question is…is there any way I could improve my relationship with him? Because I do really love him and would love to be closer to him. Or how can I help him be happier? He says stuff like “just spending time with you and …name of DD makes me happy, that’s all I want to do”. But then I feel this enormous pressure because, as he lives far from us he’ll stay for 2/3 nights and it’s just the two of us so all the pressure is on me to make all the conversation, try not to let on how irritated it makes me, pretend I’m having a good time, create a happy atmosphere for him (cos I know he’s not happy at home), try to make sure DD is happy around him. It’s pretty tough sometimes. He just seems completely in his own world and withdrawn. I also feel resentful because, despite the fact DSM’s been in my life since I was 12, she recently decided, for no apparent reason (I’m sure there was one, but that’s how my dad put it) that she didn’t want to see me anymore. Not a great loss to me, the woman’s a complete idiot and I’ve always seen her as a joke. My dad didn’t seem to challenge her on this, just accepted it, so I don’t go to HIS house anymore (they’re married but he’s paid for everything since they met & they don’t have kids together - she married him for money I’m sure) and he comes to mine instead. I suppose I feel a bit resentful that he didn’t stick up for me, that he just lets her control absolutely everything.

Ironically, despite everything I’ve said about her, spending time with my dad was much easier when I’d go there and the whole family was around - DSM, step siblings, who I’ve always got along with, plus their partners, as a group we all used to have a laugh and it was enjoyable to spend time with him with the rest of the “family” (as in step family). Now it’s just us tbh I don’t find it enjoyable but I do deeply care about him and wish I did! He’s getting older and I really don’t want the last few years of our relationship to be like this. I just don’t know how to improve it 🤷‍♀️

Is his world quite small? If he doesn’t do much, then there isn’t really much to talk about. It’s why some older people start telling visitors about ‘Marjorie at number 42, you know, the one with the bunions…’.
Are there any groups or hobbies he does that you could discuss? Do you ever take him anywhere (garden centre for a potter about and a scone, out for lunch, cinema/theatre etc) joint outings would give you more to talk about instead of just sitting indoors together. Hard when he has little interest in young DC though, but lots of older men are like that tbh, child rearing was wife’s work and they had little understanding of how to entertain young children (thinking of FIL & my DF and their friends here, and some of my own friends DFs, they are similar ages).

The sad truth is you might never be able to improve it.

You could try to have a heart-to-heart with him but that may get you nowhere or make things worse - it's a judgement call as to how much you're willing to risk.

You could try to take up a joint interest - my mother isn't a great conversationalist so I play online scrabble with her as a way of remaining connected without actually having to talk. You could do jigsaws, or get into a tv series.

The alternative is to take the very hard road of truly accepting him for who he is and seeing that as an act of love. I've had to do this with my parents - they are extremely limited people but at this stage they won't change and me constantly wanting it isn't going to make anyone's life better. Accepting my mother has actually made a huge difference to our relationship - I think she feels less judged and under pressure and has relaxed a lot more which makes her easier to get on with. My father is a lost cause. I will have a terrible time mourning him when he goes but I know I can't make him engage while he's here.

I know how hard it is to have parents who just can't do the basics. It's so disappointing.

His world is huge, he has a much better social life than me! They live in a small close-knit community and are constantly at friends’ parties, they travel loads, a few years ago they spent two years travelling round the world, he’s got tons of hobbies, he never sits still! He’s not in any way frail and doesn’t behave like a typical retired person. The last trip they went on was an Arctic cruise. They saw polar bears, did so much amazing stuff. You’d think that’d be a good half hour’s worth of chat telling me about that - and it’d genuinely be interesting. Nope, I had to painstakingly ask question after question, dragging tiny pieces of information out of him. I remember in my early 20s his SIL died and he didn’t bother to tell me. 3 months later at a big family dinner with my uncle (her widower) I say “could ….(my aunt’s name) not make it then? How’s she doing?” Imagine the utter mortification! Everyone knew except me and my brother, even my step siblings. He’s got so much going on to talk about and we have so many mutual family members who have so much going on to talk about. That definitely isn’t the problem - it’s him. I realise I’ve made him sound weak and vulnerable in my post - he never used to be until pretty recently. He was always very dominant, controlling even. I just think his awful wife has finally ground him down (although that adds to the problem, it’s not the reason he is the way he is). Also I probably didn’t explain the relationship with him and my DD very well. He is a great grandad and they both absolutely love each other, he pays her loads of attention, and is really interested in her. She’s probably the only thing we can hold a conversation about for more than 5 minutes. He just doesn’t know how to deal with her when she’s not happy and laughing (which she usually is)