I’m a single mum to a 4&1 year old and I’m really struggling to split myself :’(

[cheekycee]

My DD is 4 and DS is 1. My DD sees her dad a lot but DS does not (different dads). My son is very demanding at his age - if I take them out I have to watch him like a hawk to make sure that he doesn’t run off when out of the pram, but my DD wants to play too and with me also. I see her looking at other parents playing with their kids and it hurts my heart. How do I split myself equally for them both?? I really feel like my little girl thinks I have no time for her which is not true but I can totally see why she’d think this being a child. She hasn’t told me this but I personally feel I could be doing more to show her how much she is loved and how much I WANT to spend time with her not just because I have to. She’s a kid and it’s her childhood too. I feel awful. I don’t want any words to make me feel better that’s really not what this is about, I am wanting to know how can I spend more time with her or just be more attentive to her too?

What happened to DS dad? How come he isn’t available to take care of his son? As this would give you time to spend with your daughter.

I think you might be imagining it to be worse than it actually is. I don't know any parent who hasn't felt guilt at some point, and that doesn't mean they are a shit parent at all.
It's bloody hard being a single parent to two under 5. You are doing your very best.
Do they go to bed at the same time? Will they play together? I'd give her lots of praise for the being the big sister and "helping" with the baby. It DOES get easier.

He just doesn’t want to. I get the 2 hours every week with her and I together and then every other Sunday we get to spend that time together too but it isn’t enough she isn’t a part time child she’s my baby girl and I want her to feel like the child she is. I don’t want her growing up faster than she needs to

I send my son to bed at 6:30 and I go to bed (with my daughter she sleeps with me) at 7:30-8 so we have that time but we do get argumentative cause she’s 4 and pushing boundaries right now which is totally normal and I accept I do get rattier than I should and this eats me up. She plays with her brother a lot but she has ADHD and she rags him around and pushes him not to be nasty but cause she loves him. I ask why she is so rough she said cause he is just so cute. I have to tell her not to pay rough she doesn’t listen then after 4th time of asking her to be gentle and him crying I have to raise my voice - again something i feel awful about as she sees it as me making her sad and not him. I praise her all the time for being the best big sister in the world. She’s so kind and caring toward him she’s the best and I tell her more than twice daily x

I’m not sure I understand, did you and DS dad split up before DS was born?

Do you have wider family, siblings, parents that you could perhaps ask (maybe pay) to take DS for a couple of hours each weekend to give you and your DD time to do an activity together?

Bit condescending. Or is it that you think OP is so thick and stupid, she hadn't thought to include the DS other parent but instead come to MN? Maybe he's dead? Would that make their question more bearable? Maybe the solution is not needing a specific answer to the question "wheres dad"? , it seems obvious dad isn't in the picture? Or is that just me?

OP, if youre feeling there's a definite need for some DD love, is there any way you can get any childcare in place for DS at any point of the day, so you can have some DD time?

Does he go to nursery, is his bedtime earlier than DD? is there anytime in the day you can say - this is our time, even if its just a 10 minute "i love you" cuddle times?

Thanks so much for your comment… yes there is, I put DS to bed earlier than DD and I have decided I’m going to use the time as a little hot chocolate and bedtime story cuddle time I’m hoping this will help x

Oh my love. You are right in the trenches right now. Literally!!!

I have a similar gap only mine are 2 and 5 now. It's bloody tough.

Although not quite the same as I have DH he was military and would be away for significant periods of time so just me and the smalls.

Some things that I did to try and survive

1. The youngest nap was sacred. We didn't at home at set time. I then spent the hour/ hour and half with oldest one on one
2. Youngest went to bed slightly earlier than oldest and then I had 30 min quality time with eldest but was still tricky as he was so tired.
3. Childcare in holidays. So mine went to nursery and I would book ad hoc extra day for one to allow me to spend a quality day with the other. Not very often as expensive but once every few months.
4. Letting my standard drop re tv. Not loads but allowing one to watch tv whilst other has some quality time on something they want to do.

What's your childcare situation? Do you work at all? What do your days look like just wondering if we can help carve out some quality time for them and you.

You've got this!!

Thank you so much for your lovely and personal advice. It’s so hard isn’t it. I bet that was super lonely for you and still is!🫂
I do work Monday - Thursday. I am going to keep my little girl off school nursery this Friday to have an “us day” take her out for food etc. I may even take her swimming or something different! My little boy goes to nursery too. I sound like I’m neglecting his needs with my posts and comments but I’m the opposite. He’s always in my arms just like my little girl was when she was smaller. It’s so tough I never want either of them to feel anything less than my absolute world which they are! 🩷

It sounds like you're a lovely mum doing a great job! It's so hard with more than one child, you always feel like you're juggling their needs. Don't feel guilty, it's very normal for a mum of two little ones to feel this way. It will get easier once your baby is a bit older and they can play together more.

Can you time visits to the park so that he might fall asleep in the buggy so you can spend some time playing with your 4 year old?

That’s a great idea I never thought about this actually. I could definitely try to do this in the weekend thank you x

99.999% of parents with multiples can relate to how you’re feeling. Their ages 1 & 4 mean than you have a child who is wanting to play and have fun with mummy and another who is still a baby and demands attention too. A 3 year age gap is very common and a lot of parents can relate to how you are feeling right now.

You are in the thick of it but trust me, there’s a light

You sound like an amazing mum.

Are there any toddler groups near you? Sometimes I take my 2 year old and some children have their older siblings running around too and playing, so you can watch both at the same time.

its such a cliche to recommend a sling but - depending on size of 1 yr old!- could give u more mobility to push 4yr on swings, follow her around the park etc. I’m thinking if he is awake during the park visit but happy to be quietly part of things if he’s being carried by you.

Do you spend most of your time at home or out the house? Could you aim to spend more time at home to just play, to take the pressure and stress off you doing trying to manage both out the house. Set up a craft afternoon at home, or dolls house, and play tents int he bedroom. I'd aim all play at your DD and then your DS can join in and do what he can. sorry if this is a silly idea, I only have one at the moment but I find I'm a much calmer, more present mum when I'm at home playing rather than trying to battle out the house

You sound like a great mum!

I think having something special to do during nap time, eg story time with daughter or a board game together or doing washing up as a team could be great. Children only need short bursts of connection each day, they don't need it all day every day

I'm the opposite as my 2yo is (unintentionally) such a vandal at home it's constant cleaning up after him!