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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should ex have half child benefit?

31 replies

OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 05:35

I've recently left my partner and have a just turned 18 year old ds and nearly 14 year old dd. We still get child benefit for both children presently as ds is still at college. Dd is staying half the week at mine and half the week at her dad's, except in the holidays when she's predominantly with me. Ex is taking half of the child benefit. My problem with this is 1. Ds isn't even staying there so he's providing nothing for him and my DD is saying she doesn't want to stay there as there's no food (probably meaning snacks), she doesn't shower there as he's not brought a slip mat and he hasn't even brought her a hairbrush which I told him she needed to keep at his. Didnt even get them an Easter egg which is no surprise as it's been down to me for the past 18 years. He also has the cheek to say he'll transfer my half to me, like it's his money. Is he mugging me off?

OP posts:
AnOldCynic · 22/04/2025 05:58

In this scenario I’d give it to the 14YO as their allowance but they need to buy their own stuff with it. They are old enough to learn to budget with it. That way there’s no argument about who gets it.

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 06:03

Do you claim or him

Zanatdy · 22/04/2025 06:05

No way should he get half if not having the child for half the time, or even providing basics. It’s for spending on the child, contributing to bills etc, not extra spends for him.

Original poster
OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 06:08

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 06:03

Do you claim or him

I think it's in both our names and goes into the joint account that's still active

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 06:12

Only one parent can claim

Ring them transfer it to your account

Close the joint account your no longer together

When he has the children you can transfer him half of one child's portion

Nellodee · 22/04/2025 06:13

If you sign up for a government gateway account, you can see which one of you gets the child benefit. I don’t think it will be in joint names as it affects your pension.

Jessbow · 22/04/2025 06:46

I'd be inclined to give it to him, cash in an envelope weekly. if she doesnt go, nor does the cash.

It actually equates to £2. 46 per night.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 22/04/2025 06:57

I would be closing the joint account because all the time it is open you are financially linked with your ex and his actions will affect your credit rating. Child benefit goes to the person who has the child most often and at whose address the child is registered for doctor, school etc. Giving it as an allowance sounds like a good plan some she can buy some of her own things at his house.

Meadowfinch · 22/04/2025 07:03

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2025 06:12

Only one parent can claim

Ring them transfer it to your account

Close the joint account your no longer together

When he has the children you can transfer him half of one child's portion

This.

And neither of your dcs need to visit him if they don't want to. They are old enough to make their own decisions.

They can hardly be blamed for that if he's too tight to provide food.

dementedpixie · 22/04/2025 07:10

The CB can only be claimed by 1 person and is not a joint claim. If its in your name get it transferred to your account rather than the joint account. Or set up a standing order for the amount into your account or into the kids accounts from the joint account.

Silvertulips · 22/04/2025 07:17

I tho k it’s linked to the parent with the most responsibility for the child - helps with claiming for other stuff -

look into in it before deciding especially university etc

Springtime97 · 22/04/2025 07:20

I’m going to go against the grain here. I still have a joint account with my ex. Child benefit and we pay in some ££ It’s used for kids expenses. Sport subs, uniform, school dinners, bus fairs, clothes etc and yes we transfer them money for toiletries etc. Added bonus that I can say oh X needs new school shoes / trousers can you sort and he will!

unsync · 22/04/2025 07:21

Why do you still have a joint account with an ex? That could have a negative impact on your credit rating. You need to sever that link ASAP.

Hallywally · 22/04/2025 07:36

I share custody of primary aged DD 50/50 with her dad and get the child benefit. We worked out her monthly expenses- clubs, childcare etc. I pay them with the child benefit then after that we split any left over costs equally

Moonnstars · 22/04/2025 07:43

There is elements of you both being unreasonable.
The child benefit as others say is only paid to one person, you need to check who. You may just have put the joint account details down for where the payment was made. I also agree you need to close the joint account. I don't know how much you keep in it but if you both have access then he could easily take all the money.

The issue with the relationship with the children is something they need to speak up about. Your DD is 14 so with your support needs to speak to her dad and say she why doesn't like visiting, perhaps say what food she wants in the house when there and be more vocal about it. If she is meant to be there half the time then she needs to be able to talk to her dad.
I don't see why she can't take a hairbrush from home however (plus lots of teen girls keep a spare in a bag anyway) and my children are a lot younger and don't use a slip mat in showers - is she disabled?

Copperoliverbear · 22/04/2025 07:44

Change the account number to your own.

Kitchi · 22/04/2025 08:00
  1. Close the joint account
  2. Get the child benefit paid to you purely because the children are with you over 50% of the time
  3. Tell your DD to advocate for herself if she wants her dad to buy stuff (I’m guessing her old hairbrush, and all her old stuff, is at your house so you haven’t had these expenses)
Original poster
OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 08:58

Moonnstars · 22/04/2025 07:43

There is elements of you both being unreasonable.
The child benefit as others say is only paid to one person, you need to check who. You may just have put the joint account details down for where the payment was made. I also agree you need to close the joint account. I don't know how much you keep in it but if you both have access then he could easily take all the money.

The issue with the relationship with the children is something they need to speak up about. Your DD is 14 so with your support needs to speak to her dad and say she why doesn't like visiting, perhaps say what food she wants in the house when there and be more vocal about it. If she is meant to be there half the time then she needs to be able to talk to her dad.
I don't see why she can't take a hairbrush from home however (plus lots of teen girls keep a spare in a bag anyway) and my children are a lot younger and don't use a slip mat in showers - is she disabled?

No she's not disabled but is a bit clumsy. My point about the hairbrush is I told him she needs a hairbrush at his, he said ok I'll write it down but didn't get her one. The easiest thing to think is he forgot but I've known this man for over 20 years and I know he's just waiting for me to get her another as I don't want her to go to school messy. This is just providing the basics for a child. She's been saying she doesn't want to go there as it's messy and there's no food. I don't want her going there if it's going to be like that but he's also got her a hamster which I think is a way of keeping her there part time.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 22/04/2025 09:02

There's no evidence he's spending any of it on the kids..so yeah, he's mugging you off.
Just give some of it directly to your kids when they go there to pay for own food etc. Seeing as he doesn't have anything in his house. Unless he wants it for himself he can't argue with that surely?
Well he can try but it's in your name, not his. So ultimately it's for the kids but with you in charge. Keep it that way. Especially as son doesn't even go to his dad's at all.

Original poster
OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 09:09

BobbyBiscuits · 22/04/2025 09:02

There's no evidence he's spending any of it on the kids..so yeah, he's mugging you off.
Just give some of it directly to your kids when they go there to pay for own food etc. Seeing as he doesn't have anything in his house. Unless he wants it for himself he can't argue with that surely?
Well he can try but it's in your name, not his. So ultimately it's for the kids but with you in charge. Keep it that way. Especially as son doesn't even go to his dad's at all.

Tbf I've messaged him earlier to say I don't see why he should be having half for ds as he's not providing for him and he said he thought it would stop as he's 18 (today is first payment after he turned 18 but will continue until he's finished college) and transferred 3/4 to me with no argument so that's fair enough. Maybe I'm being too harsh?🤷

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 22/04/2025 09:11

OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 09:09

Tbf I've messaged him earlier to say I don't see why he should be having half for ds as he's not providing for him and he said he thought it would stop as he's 18 (today is first payment after he turned 18 but will continue until he's finished college) and transferred 3/4 to me with no argument so that's fair enough. Maybe I'm being too harsh?🤷

Show quote history

Are you? He sounds like a loser. Is it coming into his bank account then, not yours?
It's good he gave you what you asked but frankly you shouldn't have to!

dementedpixie · 22/04/2025 11:15

Why do you need him to transfer from the joint account? Surely you have access to the account too

Original poster
OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 11:41

dementedpixie · 22/04/2025 11:15

Why do you need him to transfer from the joint account? Surely you have access to the account too

Because he probably thinks I'm going to draw it all out, I don't know the passwords for the joint account because I lost them so I can't transfer it.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 22/04/2025 11:45

If it's a joint account reset your password surely?

dementedpixie · 22/04/2025 12:23

OneGreyBiscuit · 22/04/2025 11:41

Because he probably thinks I'm going to draw it all out, I don't know the passwords for the joint account because I lost them so I can't transfer it.

Show quote history

Reset your password and get access again then. It's not difficult!

Your log in details will be different to his. Your name is on the account so you have as much right to access the money as he does.