To have told my mother, people who compare people are horrible

[JennyTals]

Suppose, I could have said it more tactfully, but tbh, I don’t want to hear it

how should I have said this, in a nicer way ?

Context? Has she compared you to your prettier/skinnier/richer sister? Or is she comparing celeb nose jobs?

Her grandchildren

We need more context than that OP

If you have the time could you tell my mother too please?

I have had this conversation in a million different ways, and they either result in me being told I'm over sensitive, or huge reaction and victim mode. Funnily enough never results in her taking accountability which an adult should be able to do.

My feeling would be that if she's comparing your kids negatively then she shouldn't be surprised when you act appropriately as a parent and call her out.

Making unkind negative comparisons, between two grandchildren

Are you going to give us anything?

Obviously you think she’s being unreasonable - why? Is she saying ‘Annie’s much fatter than Mary’ or ‘Annie’s more musical while Mary is a natural at maths’.

If she’s being nasty, why do you think you need to take a nicer tone with her?

edit: posted same time as your update about negative comparisons.

She should keep negative thoughts to herself. It is natural to make comparisons, we all do it, but shouldn't voice them.

I think you were perfectly reasonable. You can go further and totally MN it

'it makes me so sad to hear you say such nasty things, can you explain why you chose to?'

'nobody who isn't unwell would say what you just did, do you need to see your GP?'

Yeah, I really could have gone further, why don’t you just fuck off was on the tip of my tongue.
glad I didn’t actually say that though

You are giving minium information. Yanbu. I suppose.
More information would have been interesting.

Give some examples OP.

Makes no sense.

It really depends on what or how the comparisons are being made. But factual statements would be possibly more tolerable than subjective ones eg Emily is a faster runner than Joanne as opposed to Emily is a nicer/kinder/prettier girl than Joanne.

But if one of the above comments were made I’d probably say how funny, someone said the other day that [other Grandma] was nicer/kinder/prettier than you! I told them it was rude to compare two people, but as you are fine with it, I shouldn’t have tried to defend you. Ah well, I won’t next time. Now, who was it who said it again? Hmmmm.

This is an excellent response. Repeat ad infinitum.

YANBU it’s a disgusting thing to do

I assume that your mum has compared one of your children unfavourably with one of her other grandchildren? What did she say when you told her that people who compare people are horrible? Did she take it on board and apologise or is she upset/angry? Comparing grandchildren is a horrible thing to do, so you are not being unreasonable.

How did the conversation that led to this actually go?

It’s never acceptable, and you did the right thing. It is doubly harmful if this is being said in front or near the children. Being tactful is not a requirement. I would stop seeing her if it continues.

I’d be careful with swearing, if she’s anything like mine she feels that she has the moral high ground as obviously saying fuck is worse than any of the shit she’s come out with over the years ! Infuriating. I think the best think to do is vote with your feet ie don’t see her then she can’t make the comments.

We have a second 'guess what the fuck I'm talking about' thread, folks, and it's only 7.30am.
Firstly, guess the name I want for my child even tho' it's a girls name, and now guess what grandma's said about the grandkids.
Think I'll go do the Telegraph cryptic crossword, much easier than this nonsense.

Yeah that’s why I’m glad I didn’t swear
was so close to it though

also agree you with only real way is to vote with the feet.

oh predictable she got angry at me and said well you know what I mean, which is one of her stock phrases
she never ever says hey you know your right, sorry about that or ok, I’ll try to not to that anymore