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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been really selfish and unreasonable?

15 replies

Daisychain133 · 21/04/2025 23:52

NC for this - would you be happy with your partner going to visit his family with his ex and the kids for the weekend? He is not invited to spend time with her family and she will often arrange stuff like this and then say that the kids are really excited he will be there too. I am not comfortable with this and it has caused a lot of problems in our relationship. I have no issue with good co parenting or days together for the kids birthdays etc but this has taken the piss IMO. I told him he was welcome to go but I don't want to be with him if he does. He has previously acknowledged the shit it's caused in the past and promised it would stop. He didn't go but has been absolutely awful to me over message. Should I just end this? For reference we've been together a good few years, don't live together. I get on with his kids and him mine. He has MH problems, which he is currently choosing not to get help with (guilt about not living with kids is high bc of this). He's much better when doing CBT. He's made me feel so guilty.

OP posts:
LittleBigHead · 21/04/2025 23:59

I think if you’ve made the ultimatum that it’s you or the visit, he’ll choose his children. Any good parent would. It’s not a reasonable ultimatum.

Original poster
Daisychain133 · 22/04/2025 00:04

LittleBigHead · 21/04/2025 23:59

I think if you’ve made the ultimatum that it’s you or the visit, he’ll choose his children. Any good parent would. It’s not a reasonable ultimatum.

I wasn't asking him to choose between me and his children, I would never do that. It was their mum's weekend with them. I was asking him to put some boundaries in place with her. She guilt trips him constantly.

OP posts:
Daffodilsarefading · 22/04/2025 00:05

How would he feel if you were visiting your parents with your ex? Would he be fine with that?

Original poster
Daisychain133 · 22/04/2025 00:06

Daffodilsarefading · 22/04/2025 00:05

How would he feel if you were visiting your parents with your ex? Would he be fine with that?

It would never happen, I don't have parents to visit. I however get on well with my ex's family but see them when I see them and don't expect my ex to come along!

OP posts:
Totallytoti · 22/04/2025 00:07

Why were you not invited instead if you are the long term partner?
I don’t think Yabu, he can have a good co parenting relationship without playing happy families with his ex.
Sounds like he wants his family unit back.

Original poster
Daisychain133 · 22/04/2025 00:09

Totallytoti · 22/04/2025 00:07

Why were you not invited instead if you are the long term partner?
I don’t think Yabu, he can have a good co parenting relationship without playing happy families with his ex.
Sounds like he wants his family unit back.

She made the arrangements with his family and then told him. Maybe he does want his family unit back but I'd say it's unlikely. They've been split for 7 years and he left her. He has a lot of guilt about not being with the kids 24/7 though.

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 22/04/2025 00:26

It’s weird. Why doesn’t she see her parents on her weekend and he take the kids to see his on his weekend?

CuriousGeorge80 · 22/04/2025 00:32

Your Partner’s ex arranged to take their shared children to see HIS family and then invited him along, without you. Is that the correct understanding of what has happened?

If you genuinely believe that there is no real chance of them getting back together, and neither of you had other plans, I think the best response would have been to say yes but that you would come too!

OfficerChurlish · 22/04/2025 00:33

He has MH problems, which he is currently choosing not to get help with (guilt about not living with kids is high bc of this). He's much better when doing CBT. He's made me feel so guilty.

He has previously acknowledged the shit it's caused in the past and promised it would stop.

He ... has been absolutely awful to me over message.

Should I just end this?

Yes. The underlined part of the first sentence was enough information to form this opinion. The rest just reinforces it.

About this situation - he knew it was shite even before you said anything about it, and he wanted it to stop. Why hasn't it? And why is he blaming/punishing you for talking about it?

CarlyCoffee · 22/04/2025 00:35

Nah I’d be exiting stage left on this one. Way too much messy baggage.

healthybychristmas · 22/04/2025 09:07

I'd be off like a shot. Not getting help for mental health problems would be the cherry on the cake. I've lived through that. Never again.

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/04/2025 09:24

It's unusual but I wouldn't have a problem. I think it's nice for the kids and not much different to a joint day out, which you are OK with

rainbowstardrops · 22/04/2025 09:29

CuriousGeorge80 · 22/04/2025 00:32

Your Partner’s ex arranged to take their shared children to see HIS family and then invited him along, without you. Is that the correct understanding of what has happened?

If you genuinely believe that there is no real chance of them getting back together, and neither of you had other plans, I think the best response would have been to say yes but that you would come too!

The first part is what I was trying to work out too.

But no, I wouldn’t be happy about that. Why didn’t he take his children to see his parents with you if he really wanted to see them? It doesn’t sound like he did though and only went because the ex asked him to. He’s an idiot if he can’t see why you’re not happy with that.

Original poster
Daisychain133 · 22/04/2025 16:52

It's wasn't his parents, was one of his siblings and their family. His family live a few hours away and he's not good at making plans so rarely, if ever organises to see them himself. He is the same with everyone, never gets around to doing anything. His ex won't be around me, but still has a good relationship with them, which doesn't bother me. But because she won't be around me, the decision was that we'd see them together and she could do her visits separately. So this is why I was a bit pissed off. He is avoidant by nature and gets very defensive so it's really difficult to talk to him at times, although so much better when he's actively doing his CBT. His children obviously come first, but I feel his ex knows this so it's used when it comes to things like this. It just feels very one sided, if it was purely down to co-parenting, then it would work both ways and he'd be invited along to stuff with her family, but that isn't the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain133 · 22/04/2025 17:01

OfficerChurlish · 22/04/2025 00:33

He has MH problems, which he is currently choosing not to get help with (guilt about not living with kids is high bc of this). He's much better when doing CBT. He's made me feel so guilty.

He has previously acknowledged the shit it's caused in the past and promised it would stop.

He ... has been absolutely awful to me over message.

Should I just end this?

Yes. The underlined part of the first sentence was enough information to form this opinion. The rest just reinforces it.

About this situation - he knew it was shite even before you said anything about it, and he wanted it to stop. Why hasn't it? And why is he blaming/punishing you for talking about it?

He said he felt bad as he wouldn't see the children and he was trying but sometimes found it difficult, especially when it involves his family. When I explained how I was feeling and why, he said I sounded like I was talking to a child, because I used the word boundaries. Honestly, I feel like I've been punished all weekend, he didn't go but has made me feel awful about it.

OP posts:
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