Alcohol and teenagers

[Mickeyricky]

Hi all

I have a dd 14 and on 3 occasions over the past 3 months she has come home drunk. I have talked to her made rules she swears she is keeping to them but it keeps happening.
i do know that some of her friends parents buy th low percent alcohol to take out as a compromise but I really feel like that's encouraging it and I just want her to say no.
at the weekend I said she couldn't go out because the last time she went to the park she drank alcohol and. I did say she could have 3 friends round and made ground rules ie they aren't to go out they know once here they are here for the night etc. well I found an empty bottle wine whilst they were here. I checked for more they promised there wasn't so I ordered them a pizza. Well the night was terrible so loud and loud singing I finally put a plug on it.
the next day I found a smaller bottle of vodka too!
I just feel like whatever I try to do it seems to involve alcohol even with me regularly checking.

now I feel the only way I can guarantee no alcohol is by keeping her in and away from people but I don't think that is the way either.
please can I ask other experiences of this?

I personally really struggled with alcohol sat 14 I drank and was destructive and made many mistakes I just don't want her going through the same thing: my mum was very strict about it and took a zero alcohol approach. I'm doubting that this so the right thing to do

She’s young and drinking too much / in secret
yes I’d ground her for now a you can’t trust her as she’s shown you - I wouldn’t hesitate at 14 to do this
who’s buying the alcohol? Are all her friends underage?

I would ask her some questions around her lying and why she’s drinking
peer pressure is strong at this age
boredom
teenage rebellion
you need to understand her attitude to drink / alcohol
I have teens and it’s very difficult to navigate this part of parenting

She's been honest with me she said she doesn't regret it at all as she had fun and that her friends drink. She is convinced she is in control but quite clearly she is not. She does understand my worries but has told me that she can't promise me she won't do it again as she enjoys herself

she's very honest but of course that is not helpful to hear. I don't want to punish her for being honest with me but as you say alcohol is a danger to her at this age. When she is out I know where she is and who she is with.
yes they are all underage although she is the youngest.

The zero alcohol is not a good way to go. Have 14 year old son, allow A shandy, or A glass of champagne at Christmas, NYE, or at a special party. Let teen daughter drink at home on occasions and on holidays from the age of 16. She is 18 and has learned with us on holidays not to drink quickly, not to mix drinks etc. she is 18 and enjoys a drink when out but is never a mess. I would not make this about the alcohol more about the lying to you. I would ground her for the lies. Christ she is brave wee lady, mine would be shit scared of doing that as I would make a holy show of them in front of their mates.

But she did lie when you asked if they had any more alcohol - you found the wine and they said they had no more. Then you found vodka. This is what would make me mad.

I started drinking at 14 to fit in. Not because my friends were drinking (although many were) but because it gave me the confidence to interact with them. I binged a few times and was lucky really to have not suffered any consequences. By 18/19 I was over the whole drinking thing. I had got it out of my system and have a very healthy relationship with alcohol now. I have a glass of wine maybe 3 times a month and could give it up completely if I wanted too.
So it can go either way.
At age 14-17 I would have found a way around the rules regardless. Try talking to her about why she feels she needs to drink. Discuss how much she's planning to drink, how to avoid being spiked, what to do if she feels she's had too much and in danger, discuss how her friends behave around her and what she does if one of them needs help etc etc.
You don't need to be her pal but you do have to see that sometimes they will go out of their way to defy you so you need a contingency.

Thank you for your sensible and realistic answer. This resonated with me as I know I just defied rules. I also don't want her to be in a position where she needs my help but won't tell me because she's too scared. So far she asks for my help cos I don't go mad but I do tell her I don't want her drinking and I do keep trying to make things safe and other alternatives. I am mad that she lied but I'm more worried than anything.
i feel
if i condone it she will be thinking it's fine but if I vilify it then she will get more secretive. Ultimately I don't want her to suffer with alcohol use the way I did up until my late 20's

I hope you can navigate your way through it. Have you discussed your experience with alcohol?