Is there something wrong with me ? Re attracting a romantic partner

[jumpingjimmy]

I’m 50, divorced and sole
parent to three teens one of whom is in Uni. I work full time in a great profession , earn well and live my work. I have a small group of very close friends, a great relationship with siblings and many other friends etc. I have my own hobbies and pastimes and consider myself to be relatively attractive/ a barrage, chatty, interesting, humorous and clever. I am sociable have my
own hOme and consider my values to be good , usual ones eg honesty, loyalty, family, hard working etc
But still, no one seems to want to date me.
In fairness, I do not put out that energy explicitly and I dont have friends with single / available men so perhaps I’m shootings myself in the foot.
im not flirtatious by nature and on the minimal occasions I engaged with online datin, the pool was horrendous. Cheaters and liars with wives and partners who just werent told their marriages (by those creeps )were over. This brought me nothing but trouble.
is it me? I feel like I have a lot to offer but am only will ing to share my
life with a man who can match that.
Thanks for reading.

I'm 38 and single 10 years. It's not you OP.

I know at least two men who have met their partners through Ramblers. They were both widowers and both used the Rambling Association for overseas holidays. They were your age or slightly older and met lovely partners ( later both pairs married).

I read a blog post by someone a similar age who decided to treat finding a partner like finding a job.

She “interviewed” lots of potential candidates (first dates and online chat) and it took her 6 months to find men who were compatible financially, goals, sexually etc She went on multiple dates a week and learned about red flags in bios and what qualities in a man she valued most.

There are quality men amongst the ones looking for sex but it sounds like you need to dig deep to find them.

I would very much doubt it’s you op. The only thing I can think of that’s ‘wrong with you’ is that you think that something is. I doubt it.

i have three thoughts on this

1. my own opinion, which is disliked by some i know, is that men as a cohort aren’t as good as women. So there’ll be ten decent women like you, going for probably 3 or 4 decent men. The other 6 men just don’t have anything comparable to offer an attractive, intelligent woman.

1. my second theory is that, and I’m in this bracket, many people in this age bracket simply don’t want a relationship any more. They don’t need one, have kids already, have money already, have friends whose company they love, have hobbies. They might think they do, or at least want a shag, but when it gets to Friday night two months in and they’re knackered from work and they can choose between pjs, a bottle of wine, their favourite movie, favourite food and a wank, or getting dressed up, to go to a noisy pub with someone who isn’t as interesting as their best friend, and the possibility of a shag, only a possibility, and it’ll cost them £50 more. They just can’t be arsed, that ls where I’m at, even if the person is lovely, I cba.

1. looks. Many people dated in their 20s, then a ltr, then divorce around 50. So the last time we dated, what 90% of people were fairly attractive. Now unless you’re in about the top 5%, you’re facing someone at the restaurant, who isn’t objectively fit, as are they. Not compared to last time we dated/onlyfans. Then you have to work out if you fancy this person with droopy tits/receding hair, and it brings you the realisation of how your own looks have gone.

Yes, I think this is a great strategy for some but you do have to put significant time and energy into it. If you're introverted or have limited social skills, or you're busy with work, family, hobbies and so on, it feels hard to justify the effort required. Personally, I suspect I'd just end up miserable and knackered as well as single. If 90% of your life is already great, it's hard to justify rocking the boat.

If finding a partner is OP's absolute top life priority, then she should try this approach.

That's an excellent approach - one I may adopt when I enter the world of dating again. Eminently pragmatic and actually takes the sting out of the vulnerable bits about dating. Thanks for sharing, will see if I can find the blog.

@jumpingjimmy

As a 50-year old with teens, you can be much more available to a new partner in his 50s or perhaps early 60s than a younger woman who has small children or wants to have more children. You probably just need to meet more men in order to run into one similar to your age who is attractive to you, and also clever enough to understand that a 50-year old could probably make him happier than a 30-year old.

What is your approximate location? That can have a big bearing on what sort of hobbies or activities might be available where you could meet more men. Finding a hobby that you have fun doing, which is not predominantly for women or couples, could by your ticket: if you are having fun, you become more attractive, but then there also needs to be someone there to attract.

You’re not alone OP. I’m mid 50s and have been single over a decade. My last two LTR were started online and they ended because of cheating and incompatibility. I’ve done it all - meetups, hobbies, changed jobs, and never have met anyone. I’ve given up. I will admit that although I’m not desperate to be in a relationship or live with anyone but I do feel some grief that I will never have another relationship. Especially since I’ve never married and have been single most of my life.

@CountryTunes I helped a man put his child’s bike chain back on once, he was massively impressed. I mean it wasn’t flirty but that’s the sort of stuff I have found men like. Sorting out a leaking sink and beating them at video games, that’s the stuff they have liked. I worked in engineering for many years which meant men were 90% of the workforce.

They are very different beasts compared to women, just a lot more basic. I’m married but was in Screwfix and B&Q recently picking up some stuff. That’s the place I’m going if I ever need to pick up a bloke, they were everywhere scuttling about with bits and bobs. I am just going to approach them and impress them with my knowledge of tools. As much as that’s a bit of a joke it would work probably.

There are far more women than men that are decent but I think that if you have more male dominated interests it is easier to find something in common.

I think it's a numbers game. I'm 44 and have not really tried recently but when I do I think you have to just go for it and keep trying. Yes there's lots of reasons why it's harder but she who persists and all that.

I agreed with your post until
i got to the last sentence

there isn't someone out there for everyone. Saying there is just makes us feel shittier about it

Regarding what a pp said about cycling, what are your hobbies? Maybe try and expand to something that a lot of men are interested in if you think it's also something you enjoy! At the very least you might find a new interest. If your work is very female and a lot of your hobbies are it's obviously harder to meet men there. (Obviously you haven't listed your hobbies)

How are you expecting to meet men OP? You work mainly with women, you don't want to do online dating, you don't have single male friends. These are the main ways to meet a partner! It sounds like you're expecting it to "just happen" which is unlikely tbh. I think you need to either accept it may take a while or be a lot more proactive in making it happen.

There's nothing wrong with you, but you may need to actively broaden your opportunities to meet a single man. How many of your hobbies attract men as well as women? Are there things you'd like to try doing that may interest more men? E.g. woodworking, horticulture, running club, language class, am dram, film or art or wine appreciation. I'm not suggesting you do anything just to meet men, but things you are genuinely interested in that aren't typically women's interest groups.

Let people know. In a light-hearted way, just say if they have a single relative, colleague or friend they think you might click with, invite them along to the next social get together. If you seem really happy as you are, they may not realise.

Think really hard for a while about the sort of person you might get on well with, OP, write it down, then make a concentrated effort to hang out in the sort of places they would go. It sounds simplistic, but it's important I think. By doing this you're increasing the odds of running into someone you may have things in common with. It will take time and effort, but could just be rewarding. If you want to meet someone professional, spend a regular hour after work in a wine bar where the local lawyers hang out, for example. If you join a pub quiz team, make it in a more upmarket establishment than you might if you wanted to meet a rat catcher perhaps (which is a really important job btw and not one I'm dissing!😄)

Similarly with interests - join local societies, or maybe a choir or an orchestra, to meet people you tick with in an unforced setting. I always think it's a real shame local authorities have cut back on adult education so much, it was a great way to meet potential partners as well as learn something interesting, back in the day.

You can always go cruising round a suitable supermarket after work, with things that look like a suitable single person's shop in your trolley. Go heavy on the blueberries and quark maybe and less on the pot noodles if you wish to portray a sophisticated image. 😉 I'm joking a little, but in some parts of the world it's a recognised way to meet people. (See the attached story for an unusual use for pineapples in Spain). And definitely hang round the wine section! Good luck.

www.bbc.com/news/articles/c8rx2xvj237o

I’m a similar age and situation to you. I finally met someone amazing through OLD (Bumble). I think I was his second ever online date! There are decent men out there but they are vastly outnumbered by people who aren’t going to be right for you. You have to figure out the right filters to find them, and avoid wasting your time.
Google “Burned Haystack Dating Method” it’s really helpful.

That's my take on it, you don't have to agree.

Absolutely @AcquadiPin a nutshell

that's fair, I wouldn't want to agree with something so patently untrue and hurtful, so happy not to agree

I'm not convinced that hobbies are the way forward. I've got a couple of single bloke friends and they won't flirt with women doing their hobbies. The way they see it is the women are there to do the hobby, not to meet men and they don't want to put them off/make them uncomfortable.

They are happier using apps as the women on the apps are clearly looking for dates.