siblings socializing with ex

[pissingdownmonday]

Would appreciate some perspective….
I seperate from DH a while ago, but have kept in touch/share the dog etc mostly for my kids sake (he is step dad). Had him over for Xmas for the kids sake but I found it really hard. Our Relationship was v challenging - he has various addictions, as well as debt, and a lot of dishonesty on his part. Soon as I told my family about the separation (and the reasons) they all told him he was still part of the family. They now have started inviting him for dinner, to hang out etc, which he is very happy to do. I feel really uncomfortable about it - he behaved so badly during our relationship and wouldn’t make any changes, and my siblings approach feels like they’ve condoned it and it feels a bit disloyal. Or is it just normal that they have an independent relationship and can do what they like? In which case why do I feel bad about it? My siblings and their husbands have exes and none of them are considered part of the family. Ex-DH is a pleaser, he will do anything to help people so possibly that works for my family.

They now have started inviting him for dinner, to hang out etc, which he is very happy to do. I feel really uncomfortable about it - he behaved so badly during our relationship

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I mean do they know he was bad? or is he like a typical narc, where everyone thinks he's amazing and you're the bad one for breaking the "family" apart? Regardless, it doesn't matter. You can't change their perception right now, you'd look vindictive.

In this scenario, I'm afraid I'd have to set my own boundaries and be prepared to lose some "family" or go NC/LC with them, if that means not attending events if he has been invited, or will be there etc. You do what you need to do for your own comfort. If they want to maintain a relationship, that is their decision, you can't dictate their decision, but you can, as a result of their decision make your own decision to not see them (when he is there or at all, depending on your stance).

It's painful because you assumed that family would "stick" by you, take your "side" - that's not always the case.

It doesn't matter, you can't control how others react, you can only control your reactions to their actions.

Let them Theory - Mel Robbins.

How long were you together, and how involved was he with family during that time? I think that is relevant to be honest because I do think just because a marriage breaks down, especially if it’s been a long one, the rest of the family don’t have to cut that person out because they all have their own relationships with the person.

And I know you’re saying siblings etc have ex’s but were they all serious relationships and as close to your family as your ex was? An ex boyfriend you were with for a few years is a very different scenario to an ex husband of say 10 years who has truly had family/close relationships with everybody.

I think it’s absolutely despicable. It made me laugh when my brother split up with an ex-girlfriend who we all got along brilliantly with and thought it was adorable. That we all had to unfriend her on Facebook and block her immediately.
And yet he sends messages to my ex-husband which my ex-husband ignores so it makes him look all the more pathetic. And I suppose me by default too.

This was my cue to cut contact with my very unsupportive family @pissingdownmonday . Obviously you will know whether this is part of a bigger picture where family members don't have your back.

Thank you - really appreciate the replies. I was thinking it just me. @Mrsttcno1 we were together 10 years, and yes he was very involved in my family. Siblings ex was a childhood friend we grew up with and no one kept in touch with them after they split.

going forward I will have to choose my levels of interaction, you’re all right. Thanks again.

@pissingdownmonday i feel for you. My parents still have contact with my ex husband.....25 years after I divorced him 😳 sending hugs and solidarity.

How long were you together?

I don’t think it’s that unusual given how long you were together. My sibling is divorced but still hangs out with his wife’s brother as they were together for decades.

Also they may not know all the details of what happened or it may not be “bad enough” for them to cut him off.

Tell them how it makes you feel.

I can appreciate why you feel as you do, and obviously avoid gatherings where he will be present, but I don’t think it is reasonable to expect family members to terminate their independent relationships with him because you have separated. Obviously if they’re inviting him to family occasions and expecting you to be around him, that’s different — I would be extremely clear with your family that on these occasions he should not be included for your sake.

Honestly I think after 10 years and him really being a close part of the family for all that time you’d be unreasonable to expect them all to cut him off.

He's been a part of their family for 10 years, I think it's fine they're still in contact with him.

I absolutely hated my ex when we divorced but I didn't want any of my family or our friends, to feel as though they had to take a side.

You’re not being unreasonable to think it’s weird and disloyal.

But also they aren’t being unreasonable wanting to stay friends with someone they’ve had as a mate for a decade because he happened to have split up with his wife and wasn’t nice to her.

As long as you know when he will be at family things so you can avoid if you wish to it’s not the end of the world. Just annoying.

I think a very casual relationship with him would be OK. e.g saying hello if they bumped into him on the street, inviting him for dinner etc is not on!
My DSis split from someone we'd known as kids, I did not stay in touch with him out of loyalty to her. It smacks of them not respecting your reasons for splitting from him.
Ask your family what they would think if you contacted one of their exes, I bet they wouldn't like it.

You're saying the OP should avoid family parties and not him???

Their relationships are independent of you and your exes relationship and it's okay.

My Dad was really close with my Mums siblings and family during their 16 year marriage. It was devastating for him to lose those relationships when they divorced. Which was more to do then with the fact he moved hundreds of miles away back to his hometown and it was pre-social media days but it was still hurtful.

He remarried for 30 years and she died last year and he's been extremely hurt that apart from one in law family member, most just haven't bothered to even check in with him since the funeral.

There's been no fallout and never any suggestion that he's done anything wrong, and in bereavement forums I've been in, it's apparently extremely common that ILs drift away very quickly. And friends that were previously seen as 'couple friends'.

I don't think it's a bad thing that they continue to want him in their lives though I'm sorry you see it as disloyal.

Family are inviting the ex to family dinners... not just parties. It seems family is telling OP something.

If your family messaged and socialised with him without your input, then after 10 years of a family relationship I think it is okay. He made bad decisions, you've decided he is not for you and they respect that. You've kept in touch with him for the kids, so they are following suit really. If there was abuse or cheating I can understand that they should cut him off. But otherwise no.
Also you say your sibling previously asked you all to have no contact with their ex, and you chose to follow their wishes. Have you actually told your family plainly that you don't want contact? Because they can't guess what you would like, and if you've seeing your ex for the kids, that is a different situation compared to your sibling's ex.

I have the occasional interaction with the ex in laws who are fine although as my son has grown older they are fewer

They are lovely, although sadly some have now died. Its their daughter/granddaughter thats the problem!

Fortunately she completely wrecked our divorce so nobody on my side wanted any contact with her unless strictly necessary

You mention your ex's addictions, dishonesty, and debt. Is there fallout from this? Are your family helping or supporting you through it? Is there any chance he is using them as enablers?

Have you told your family how you feel?

Hi thanks for all the responses. I’ve thought about it a lot more and the reason I feel uncomfortable with it is that Ex-DH has always used my relationship with my siblings as a tool to gaslight me. As soon as he is defensive (and so in any conversation where I may raise anything about his behaviour), he uses my relationship with my family to tell me how I’m the root cause of all the problems. It was very powerful and it used to emotionally break me. When he was drinking he used to also weaponise anything I had confided in him. So the more time my family independently spend with him now, the more power he has to use them against me, and the more vulnerable I feel. Not sure they will understand if I tell them but will try. I feel much better for having figured it out. Thanks again.

Everything you've said there is so familiar to my situation, @pissingdownmonday . Everything is a power move to people like your ex and mine.

@pissingdownmonday youve tried to keep things amicable - but frankly even divorced parents don’t share holiday dates etc together with shared kids.

Stop inviting him to share meals etc with you and your children. If they want a relationship with him still can that not be managed between them and he takes them somewhere or they visit him? How old are they?

Make your home your safe space that he doesn’t enter.

the dog - does he really share the dog? The walking? The treatments and insurance and vet bills and food costs?

Your family - have they ramped up how much they see him? Or is it same as normal?

do you normally see them often? Are your siblings historically a bit shit with you and you are always trying to appease them?

Good luck. I think this is a time to assess your relationships and create some boundaries rather than just accepting the status quo. Massive squishes.

@pissingdownmonday you should set very clear boundaries with your ex going forward. Perhaps your family are confused by your responses to date to a man who has had or still has addictions, debt, is dishonest, has drinking issues and has been gaslighting. Do not entertain him and only have minimal and necessary contact.
Let your family know that you are uncomfortable with their interactions with him and why. If they continue to socialise then you will have to go low or no contact. Your priority going forward must be to protect yourself and your children. Good luck.