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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH will not plan anything - everything spur of the moment

24 replies

gangan87 · 21/04/2025 10:24

My husband will never plan anything in advance and it is now beginning to really wind me up. Our kids are older now so we have the time to do stuff on our own but 3 times lately he has come home from work saying shall we go out for something to eat tonight? 1 hours notice. Sometimes I have taken my make up off or in my PJ's after a busy day and often I take food out of the freezer the night before so I have food ready for that night.

This weekend he has been terrible I said on Tuesday last week knowing I have no plans all weekend (I plan he doesn't) could we plan something in to do together - he said we will talk about it Thursday. Friday morning he suggested going out for lunch unfortunately I had already planned going to the cinema with ,my friend. Last two days I have stayed home I suggested going out today as teens are doing their own thing and he still wouldn't commit until an hour ago, but I still need to get ready but one of the kids is in the shower and he can't understand why we can't just go now.

He did once with a holiday booked a last minute holiday with 48 hrs notice - my daughter had a dance show and my son had mock exams - there foreI was unable to go!!

Also there is a show at my local theatre I want to see in January next year he will not tell me whether he wants to go to a few days before. I have booked the tickets as I don't want to miss out but he said he has no idea what he will be doing in January!!

He says life is too short too plan and you have to be spontaneous.

Also things like 5 mins notice before going out or doing something and he doesn't understand why everything has to revolve around a shower and make up ie if he suggests going out and doing something with 5 mins notice I have to have a shower and put make up on.

In everything else he is super organised. He does all the housework and washing and keeps the house tidy. He just hates planning anything social - he likes to go out and do things but all spur of the moment.

The more I think about it - the more I think this is some kind of control. AIBU to just want some planning to our life?

OP posts:

Evaka · 21/04/2025 10:31

Bit of a mixed bag here. I'd often decide of an evening to go out to eat. It's nice when you've had a busy day and want to decompress. We eat out all the time and very rarely plan it now that I think of it.

Booking a holiday without checking is completely mad.

Re the show, my OH often books gigs etc months down the line and I'll go if I fancy it closer to the time, or suggest he invites a mate if I know it's not for me. Similarly if there's something I'm keen on ill get two tickets so that I can definitely go, and figure out company later.

itsjustbiology · 21/04/2025 11:34

Your dh sounds like me. I am a spur of the moment person too. I don't plan anything ever. If I feel like it I do it whatever it might be. In my case I have no patience and I am pretty selfish.

Mandylovescandy · 21/04/2025 11:36

I like to plan and my DH doesn't. I find it annoying as I often feel like I am waiting around for him to decide what to do. I can see some advantages to being spontaneous so I try not to plan everything but I don't feel he has much flexibility back for doing things the way I would prefer which is frustrating.

oldestmumaintheworld · 21/04/2025 11:39

My ex was like this. That's why he's an ex. Too lazy or selfish to think about anyone else or try to do anything nice for them. I got sick of it.

Neverenoughbiscuits · 21/04/2025 11:43

Surely it's about balance. Yes it's nice to be spontaneous but it's also nice to plan and have things to look forward to.

If it's a control thing then take the control away from him. You've booked the theatre tickets, if he won't commit then invite a friend and take the option away from him. If there are times where he wants to be spontaneous and it's not convenient for you then just say no and don't go.

andtheworldrollson · 21/04/2025 11:48

Your life is too short to sit around waiting for him to be spontaneous

ExtraOnions · 21/04/2025 11:52

“Shall we go out for tea tonight”
”I’ve already got something out, and I am in my PJs, so not for me thanks”

It’s not that hard.

andtheworldrollson · 21/04/2025 11:58

It is that hard because op would like I guess to go out to dinner sometimes but she can’t because he won’t plan ahead yet people still need to eat and u less she keeps a freezer full of microwave dinners she con at support his spontaneity without food and prep time being wasted

AnnaMagnani · 21/04/2025 12:25

Surely he needs to learn that his way means he has no social life (or is this his intention?)

Can we go out to eat tonight? Sorry I've already started dinner
Can we go out for lunch? Sorry I've already made plans with my friend as you hadn't mentioned anything
Can we go out now this minute" If you can sort the kids out, one of whom is still in bed, then yes
Can we go on holiday in 48 hours, I've booked it? Did you not look in the diary, kids have got their mocks

Meanwhile you have gone out with a friend, seen the kids dance show and booked a theatre show.

SunnieShine · 21/04/2025 12:35

He is expecting you to dance to his tune .

PoppyBaxter · 21/04/2025 12:47

DH and I hate planning and do most things spur of the moment. We can't stand booking reservations in restaurants and like to be spontaneous, so only eat where they allow walk ins. And I love having a last minute dinner out suggested to me. It genuinely does only take me 15 minutes to get ready, so that's never a concern.

But you DO like to plan, and your DH should find some way to compromise.

honeylulu · 21/04/2025 12:50

My husband is rather like that and it's very annoying. We wouldn't do anything together if I didn't take charge of it and organise (holidays, meeting with friends, birthday events, tickets for shows etc. ) because he wants to be "spontaneous". I would love him to take on a share of organising but it won't happen. Like yours though he does loads around the house and garden (more than me) so I can live with it as a quid pro quo.

The really irritating thing is that he would miss out on so much if it wasn't for me. For example he'll never arrange to meet friends in advance but they get booked up so unless I fix dates in the diary with them he'd only manage to catch up with them once each couple of years if that. He loves the birthday and fathers day days out i organise for our family but huffs and rolls his eyes if I mention it in advance because he wants to see how he feels nearer the time. Yet surprise surprise, when the day arrives he always wants to celebrate so it's just as well I booked something nice ...

FoxRedPuppy · 21/04/2025 12:53

I don’t think he necessarily expects you to wait around, it’s just different styles. I like a plan sometimes but also to be spontaneous.

Im not very sensible as an adult, so I’d probably ditch the defrosted food and go out for dinner. I don’t really wear make up so I’d just put clothes on and go.

Do you need to shower specifically before going out? If you’ve showered that morning?

FoxRedPuppy · 21/04/2025 12:54

I’m terrible if people ask me if I want to do something months in advance. For some reason I find it hard to commit, even if it’s something I want to do.

stripedrollerskates · 21/04/2025 12:57

I couldn’t live like this, but I also wouldn’t date let alone marry someone who did. Has he always been like this?

Kattuccino · 21/04/2025 13:00

Don't you just shower and put makeup on when you get up? If DH suggested going out for lunch I'd be pretty much ready to go. So I can sort of see where he is coming from there.

I generally prefer planning in advance but it sounds like you are finding obstacles to his spontaneity- surely defrosted food can be used the next night and you don't always need to shower right before going out? Obviously different if you have just been exercising/work in a job that gets you very dirty etc.

The holiday thing is ridiculous and I can see why you were annoyed.

And surely no one knows what they are doing in January? Is he using his inability to plan as an excuse so he doesn't have to do things he's not keen on, rather than being honest about not wanting to go?

thisfilmisboring123 · 21/04/2025 13:02

Ok, the holiday is a bit extreme but I don’t necessarily think you’re right, he’s wrong - just different.

I’m (a less extreme!) version of your DH. I can’t stand planning and tbh it winds me up when my DH tries to get a lot of things booked in advance.

It doesn’t sound like in your post, but I often find ‘planners’ intense- need to know everything in advance and stick to a schedule and I think it can ruin things at times.

thisfilmisboring123 · 21/04/2025 13:04

Also to add, in no way am I trying to control things nor would I consider myself a selfish person.

MoggetsCollar · 21/04/2025 13:07

I don't understand this either. Do you not have a shower each day regardless of what is happening. You don't need makeup on just to leave the house to go somewhere casual. Or anywhere, actually.

GreenCandleWax · 21/04/2025 13:15

You could do with being a bit more spontaneous. Why do you always have a shower before you go out?

RampantIvy · 21/04/2025 13:19

Surely it's about balance. Yes it's nice to be spontaneous but it's also nice to plan and have things to look forward to.

I agree. But examples like going out for tea at the last minute would not be a problem for me.

I wear nightwear when I go to bed and not before. I change out of work clothes into joggers when I get in, so it wouldn't be difficult to jump into a pair of jeans.

@gangan87 do you really have to have a shower just before going out to tea in a pub? Do you have the type of job that makes you so dirty? Do you need a full face of make up for this as well?

GardenGaff · 21/04/2025 13:27

Does he have many friends?

What did he do on Friday while you were at the cinema with your friend?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and while I agree with PP that, for example with the theatre tickets you should just invite a friend now instead, eventually surely that just leads to you both living separate lives.

He says life is too short too plan and you have to be spontaneous.
And yet you’ve both spent the last 2 days sitting in, waiting for him to be spontaneous because he won’t plan anything.

It really doesn’t make sense.

CreationNat1on · 21/04/2025 13:31

I also HATE scheduled socialising, it feels like a work calendar, much prefer going with the flow. Why can't you shower in the morning? What's all the flap about make up, surely 60 seconds would do it?

I get that not planning is annoying, but getting into pj's straight after work, thereby preventing any option to leave the house is v constraining, as is all this food prep the night before. Yuk to that.

ZenNudist · 21/04/2025 13:39

I think you just plan stuff. Theatre invite a friend. If he's not willing to commit then likely he's not interested. If he suggests going out and you don't want to, don't go. Book holiday regardless. Make plans with friends and go without him. Most people make plans without their DP.

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