To think DH is destroying the way DD will interact in relationships

[gollyimholly]

I'm very happy to BU here and would be very open to hearing how as it would mean the outlook for DD is more positive.

DD is 2. She has a strong preference for me (mum).over her dad (DH). She prefers bedtimes with me or prefers me for things in general eg. nappy changes, brushing teeth etc and if DH is doing these things she will call for me and make it a bit tricky for him to do it easily. She will make DH chase her or cry. But DH will engage her with a game or something and get her to listen. She also finds it funny to tease him eg. If she has one blueberry, she will give it to me and DH might pretend cry and she will find it very funny. So far so OK. This is just the background and I feel that's generally what is developmentally expected at this age ie. a preference for one parent over another.

This is what the problem is:
DH has for a really long time (over a year) said things like:
DD doesn't love me.
DD doesn't care about me.
DD doesn't even know I'm gone/miss me.
DD would be fine without me.

I personally think it's because a) she just prefers mum over dad as children this age might but there is an element of b) his style of interaction with her. I will give examples of this later

But the problem is he's started to almost pester her about whether she likes him or not.
"Do you love daddy?" And will repeat it until she says yes or if she says no, he will pretend cry and DD will find it funny.
Or he'll say " why don't you love me / like me?"
Or at bedtime it will be "Give daddy a kiss" when she's already happily snug in bed and in her own world. Like surely just go up to her and give her the kiss. But he's always testing whether she will give him the kiss.

I'm worried it is going to make DD so used to a relationship with a needy person. And despite having love for DH (or whichever person it may be in her future) she will have to go above and beyond to demonstrate it because she feels she isn't doing enough? AIBU with this suspicion I have of how it will play out in DD's future?

In contrast, I give DD lots of kisses and cuddles and always tell her how much I love her. I might on the odd occasion ask if mummy can have a hug/kiss but if she says no, I respect it.

His style of play I've always felt leans very much towards faux threats and chases eg. "Hey that's my block, give it back, I'm going to get you, come back". Or big loud noises to make her laugh or jump. But there is a lot of Homer Simpson style "Why you little..." in a jokey way and then a chase.

DD will find it funny usually and will squeal and laugh but sometimes she will shrug it off and find the tussle annoying. I think it's fine if DD enjoys - although it is not something I really like and I do find it annoying but I recognise DH should find his own way of playing with DD and am trying to encourage whatever is natural for them. DD also love role playing games eg. cooking in her play kitchen or pretending to be a doctor and so DH does play in that way too.

But he will rarely be gentle and just cuddle her or be softly spoken. It's almost always high pitched or shouting. Lots of running and chasing. And he's very good at dealing with high energy times but struggles to do anything to keep her calm.

I think you are right, and also I feel sorry for your DH. Yes it's natural that she prefers you but that doesn't mean it isn't heartbreaking for him.

It might be very hard for him to just stop behaving like a needy man, since he probably is feeling needy and it's hard to just bottle that up. But I agree something needs to change.

Do you talk to him and acknowledge his feelings or dismiss them? Do you try to empathise with him, imagining how it would feel to you if it was reversed? Perhaps he needs some understanding and then will be less needy.

EDIT: This was in response to your first post. I don't know about the second

You sound a bit controlling. Sorry, pressed post too soon. I wonder if your reaction is reinforcing your dd’s and dh’s behaviour. It looks like you have different interaction styles, but I wonder if you were a bit more chilled about it rather than pathologisibg your dh’s behaviour that things would be easier. It sounds like it’s hard for your dh to do anything right here.

He needs to attend parenting classes as a matter of urgency. Obviously you need to go too as he'd unlikely to do so otherwise.

I do say that I recognise what she is like and I try and reassure him that it's just developmentally normal for now and as she gets older she will be different. And referenced me and my siblings when we were younger and how perhaps our dad wasn't the most cuddliest or softest and a bit Captain Von Trapp-like (DH sees a lot of himself in my dad so I felt it was a good comparison) and then did say how we all love spending time with our dad as we got older and as adults.

I've tried to gently suggest perhaps he try giving her more cuddles and more gentle approach. Because she is ultimately still quite young whereas perhaps his style is more suited to an older child.

@gollyimholly is he a needy person in general?

I watched a Diary of a CEO video with child psychologist Erica Komisar about Child Attachment theory and it sounds like fulfilling the role of father. In a nutshell, children need different things from mothers and fathers. They need to feel safe and listened to and empathised with by mother and the father sort of fills the resilience and exploring role with roughhousing and the like. It's when children are a little older / second child comes on the scene they're meant to gain that equal importance.

... Anyway it was something along those lines!

I think there’s two separate things here- the lively play style with shouting, chasing, etc. doesn’t sound like a problem to me. There’s plenty of research to show boisterous rough and tumble play is great for kids and girls are less likely to get that sort of play than boys, so your DH is fulfilling a really important function there. The “do you love me, can I have a kiss” stuff is definitely a problem however and something he needs to cut out- kids should experience and be shown a secure attachment. Plus honestly it sounds annoying AF

sorry if this sounds harsh but I don’t like the idea that he is teaching her to enjoy it when she has made someone sad/cry.

I know he is not doing this but I also dont like the “joke” when someone pretends to be angry with me about something.

but it is very hard when a child prefers one parent and they can become quite manipulative if they discover how powerful this can be!

I understand where you're coming from and I think my justification would be because I feel like I have to step in because DH is a bit old fashioned and not clued up on modem parenting. I appreciate some of it is fluffy. But I dislike her being called naughty (on a daily basis eg. come here you naughty girl), or being expected to do things she can't yet do because she's too young eg. (to pronounce something correctly but won't be able to because she's still learning how to make that sound with her mouth). Whereas if he just picked up a book or googled it he would know an alternative style might be better for her. But his reason if he doesn't accept what I'm saying is that people have been parents for 1000s of years without needing to look things up.

No. As a husband and otherwise as a dad I think he's great. He will do lots of thoughtful things - for example, plant my favourite flowers in the garden or set up an ISA for DD.

Did you grow up like that? Because if you did then perhaps yes I could see why you might worry about her growing up to have a relationship with someone needy. But it sounds like you're with someone you perceive as needy. So did you have a needy dad?

@gollyimholly it sounds as if he parents a bit like dads did in the 90s. And I’d say most of us parented that way turned out OK. I do think parenting now is too gentle in some respects. It’s also OK for you to have different parenting styles. My husband was quite gentle with DD I was a bit firmer.

You're describing two issues, one is your DH being emotionally needy and the other is how he plays with your DD.
Some of how he plays and interacts with your DD will be due to his neediness but also some of it is the difference between mothers and fathers

He needs help obviously to overcome his neediness, but also don't necessarily expect him to fully start interacting with your DD the exact same as you.

I have two dds and one ds, all young adults now and they all relate differently to me and DH, and come to us for different reasons.

So your DH having a different interaction style is not unusual, but his neediness is.

No my dad wasn't needy with us I don't think. At least I've never felt I've had to overcompensate in any way with either parent.

Instead of telling him what to do and how to be, share your concern- I worry she’ll learn to be a people pleaser, I worry she’s going to be manipulated by other people.

I don’t know whether that’s true- it may be that they are pantomiming ways of behaving- like playing monsters- and she’s learning about emotions and ways to handle other people’s emotions.

So I’d say, don’t decide he’s wrong, explore the options together. You’ll both learn!

Like people forget that the old fashioned games- peepo, Finger rhymes, are developmentally appropriate and helpful. Finger rhymes help with fine motor control, for example. Play of all sorts is what matters!

I’m sorry but why… that’s such a far fetched statement. I have a feeling that if he played that way with a boy, nobody would have an opinion.

I personally don’t see how his style of play is wrong, people can express themselves in any way they see fit and if OP’s DD is getting a different style from mum then she’s getting the best of both worlds.

OP, it’s quite normal for children especially that age to seek the more practical and comfort parts from their primary parent which is usually the mother. You likely spend more time with her and so she will gravitate towards you for those tasks. Does your DH work most through the day?

As to his feelings, they are valid. I actually felt this in reverse when my own DD was small as she gravitated more towards DH when little, it all flipped when she turned 3-4. The only thing here is him saying it directly to her - that’s a little much (in terms of saying why don’t you love me). But I wouldn’t jump straight in to thinking that she’s being conditioned to put up with a needy partner years down the line. Likelihood is she will change her attitude towards him in the next couple of years when she gains a wider sense of independence / thinking for herself. Currently she sees you as an extension of herself. Less than as she did as a baby, but it’s still there.

I don’t think he sounds too bad at all. Me and my OH play with our son in different ways, the same as you. He’s much better with the rough housing stuff, plays football, chases him around and tickles etc. I prefer to sit and do play dough, reading, drawing etc. I say this very gently but I think you may be over thinking it all.

He needs to grow up and stop trying to compete with a two year old. Your DD might think this is funny now but it won't be in a few years time. For most babies your mother is your whole world at this age it's nature and perfectly normal.

This is what the problem is:
DH has for a really long time (over a year) said things like:
DD doesn't love me.
DD doesn't care about me.
DD doesn't even know I'm gone/miss me.
DD would be fine without me.

As others have said he definitely needs to stop that.

It's so manipulative.

Yes, you have cracked it. The faux crying was concerning me. It's about manipulation. Dreadful.

My daughter was exactly like that at that age. She’s now ten and absolutely adores her Dad. More so than me I think.

As for the play, studies have suggested that mothers and fathers interact differently and that it’s great for children to have a mix.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it all. Children change very rapidly.

Of course your dh shouldn't be making his toddler dd responsible for his emotions. It's totally unreasonable.

There's an easy solution here, though. Your dh needs to spend a lot more time with his dd, and you need to leave them to it. Bonds aren't magical, they form because of time and effort.

Agree with PP husband needs to stop being so needy and putting those feelings on DD. My son has always had a strong preference for me but in the last week or so, there's been a switch and dad is the favourite - shouting for him at night time if he can't sleep and sent me away this morning when I went to get him out of bed.

I think it's perfectly normal to have a preference one way or another, it's not intended to be hurtful and I'm sure DD will grow out of it. Trying to force the love and affection won't be helpful in the long run for the reasons others have mentioned. I don't think it's healthy to be forced to show affection to satisfy someone else's needs or to feel like you can't be honest about your feelings. I'm sure DD does love your husband, she'll just show it in different ways. I know my son is different with my husband when I'm not around. Perhaps it's worth them spending more time together doing something fun?

So without being argumentative, if your dad wasn't needy but you have a needy partner, hopefully it is reassuring to consider that DD having a needy dad won't mean she picks a needy partner.

I won't say anymore as I think others have said the other important stuff xx