my dad smacked my ds

[dustyteddy]

I have a 2.5 yr old ds who is having tantrums alot at the moment. My father came back from hols today and my ds was told by my father not to throw toys in defiance of not being allowed to do what he wanted. Anyway, in the end he smacked my ds on his nappy and told him no very firmly.
I was bf my 4 month old dd at the time and didn't know he had smacked ds until after the event. I don't smack and I feel awful for my ds. Then I felt I was wrong for not smacking as my mum and dad smacked me as a child and "it didn't do you any harm"

I had an almost identical conversation with my Dad yesterday. Ds is going through a hitting stage atm, and my Dad insisted it was because I refuse to smack him.

'It's what he needs' said my Dad, and I should stop namby pambying about with timeouts and ignoring bad behaviour

You are not wrong, smacking doesn't work and teaches a child that hitting is the way to make people do what you want.

My parents help with my dc's a lot and I have often worried about how I would handle it if they smacked the dc's - it hasn't happened. I think it's because I've made it very clear that we are anti-smacking.

If I were in your position I would say something, by saying nothing you are condoning your fathers actions and it's likely to happen again. A quick chat about how you don't want the dc's smacked and a bit of humility thrown in ie. perhaps I should have made it clear.

I think there are two separate issues here. one is how do you feel about other people dicsiplining your child? and two are you comfortable with your own approach to parenting?

I agree with scanner that approaching it with 'maybe I should have made this clear, sorry I didn't, but we are not smacking and we don't want you to either please' may be best. I definitely think you should say something.

And your dad was being really mean I think; he told your ds he couldn't do something, of course ds was angry; we are all human and have emotions and a little two year old will have a natural frustration at being told he can't do something he wants to do; there's nothing to be gained by squashing him for having a completely natural response, by hitting him. Better to say calmly, no we don't throw toys, otherwise we'll have to put the toy away...etc

dustyteddy you poor thing, I would be mortified if a grandparent smacked my child.
its hard because in all likelyhood it was done not because he does not love his grandchild.Smacking to many and particullay that generation is considered straight forward discipline.
I think its important not to think to deeply into this but to have a quiet word with your dad (maybe you mum if you
think a go between is better) saying

'you know dad I know alot of people use smacking as a way to discipline and it works for them but im hoping to take a different route with my children. I am not going down a anything goes path as like you I believe in firm bounderies but I'd like to avoid smacking'

I dont know your family but I think these are your parents whom you love and will want and need the support of over the years so I would let out your disapointment with us and your close friends but be diplomatic but firm with your parents.

Good luck