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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP behaviour shocking this weekend

12 replies

dandelion246 · 20/04/2025 19:41

Is this behaviour normal? Can't tell if I'm being over-sensitive.

Friday night: Myself and DP both up all night with food poisoning. Both had terrible nights sleep. I was also up with the baby. This is just background info for the next day.....

Saturday: I get up at 6.30am. Feel like I need to be sick, alsk DP to hold baby and he refuses. He then stays in bed until 11.15am whilst I take all three children downstairs, do breakfast, meltdowns, walk to pharmacy as baby has a rash etc etc.

Sunday: He lets eldest child on his Nintendo despite a conversation on Friday where we agreed we wouldn't on Sundays due to homework. His idea to ban it, not mine, and I only agreed on the condition that he enforced it as I am always the one to hold boundaries and therefore always have to be bad cop.

Sunday again: Tells me he should get time away from the kids to work and not me as he earns more. Despite the fact I've started a new job last week and we already agreed I could do some work on Monday.

Right now: He's out with the kids at in laws since 12, I am home alone with baby, it's now nearly 8 and have had no communication about when they will be home.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed? Is he bating me? Or am I over-sensitive? What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 20/04/2025 19:47

He sounds unkind. And I get the need to prioritise your reputation in a new post, especially when you are not married and he seems to want to lord it over you. Fight for your career girl.
Perhaps Easter Sunday is different to a typical Sunday as it's not a school night, and perhaps being ill is adding tension, but I'd watch him! I hope you got some work prep done this evening.

AutumnFroglets · 20/04/2025 20:04

No it's not normal behaviour but he thinks he can treat you however he likes because you are trapped. Make sure you aren't. Keep your job, build up a FO fund, and keep one eye open. I suspect this isn't the first time he's pulled this stunt but for whatever reason you have either ignored it or dismissed it. He's not a loving, reliable, kind or supportive partner.

TheFunnyPinkWriter · 20/04/2025 20:26

I think it sounds like he is being a bit of a dick, probably because he doesn't feel recovered from Friday night but, honestly, I think you are being a little sensitive and that is almost definitely because you are not recovered from Friday night.

I know when DH and I were ill at the same time when our DCs were small, we both ended up feeling hard done by and like the one pulling the full weight while battling what ever hideous bug had entered our house. I only know this because we spoke about it when we were not unwell, neither of us had realised we were making each other feel that way. It's not a million times better now but at least we know it is circumstance rather than genuine feeling.

If he continues to behave this way when he is recovered, that's a whole different issue!

Maitri108 · 20/04/2025 20:33

I don't know. Is it normal? Is he usually like this? He's not very respectful or considerate and sees himself as a priority.

Original poster
dandelion246 · 20/04/2025 21:04

Thank you for the honest opinions, it's really appreciated. I do think I can be sensitive when I'm ill/tired so it's really hard to know what's crossing a line and what's not.

To answer the questions about whether he's like this when not ill: Not all the time, but he can be, and it comes in waves. For example, he did not get up on mother's day. He let me get up, do breakfast, you get the idea. He can be quite verbally aggressive at times. But other times he's nice and is caring, which is how he was when we met. It's confusing.

OP posts:
JHound · 20/04/2025 21:21

Yet another dud husband posted here.

The other poster who started a thread asking why women hate their husbands should read this post..

AutumnFroglets · 20/04/2025 21:22

it comes in waves
That is called the cycle of abuse. The nasty bits are the real him, the nice bits is to reel you back in so you stay for more abuse. It is designed to be confusing otherwise you would leave. It unbalances and off-centres you deliberately.

He can be quite verbally aggressive at times
That is abuse.

This is not you being over sensitive. Read up about it - government/council websites, age concern, refuge, women's aid etc etc. Learn the signs. You might be unpleasantly surprised.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Emotional abuse | Relate

Most people know what physical abuse is, but when it comes to emotional abuse, people tend to think there’s much more of a ‘grey area’.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

MumChp · 20/04/2025 21:26

dandelion246 · 20/04/2025 21:04

Thank you for the honest opinions, it's really appreciated. I do think I can be sensitive when I'm ill/tired so it's really hard to know what's crossing a line and what's not.

To answer the questions about whether he's like this when not ill: Not all the time, but he can be, and it comes in waves. For example, he did not get up on mother's day. He let me get up, do breakfast, you get the idea. He can be quite verbally aggressive at times. But other times he's nice and is caring, which is how he was when we met. It's confusing.

Start preparing a plan for yourself. You might need it.

Maitri108 · 20/04/2025 21:29

Is he nice when he gets his own way and you don't ask anything of him? Is he aggressive when you ask him to compromise, parent or pull his weight?

Dinosweetpea · 20/04/2025 21:38

AutumnFroglets · 20/04/2025 21:22

it comes in waves
That is called the cycle of abuse. The nasty bits are the real him, the nice bits is to reel you back in so you stay for more abuse. It is designed to be confusing otherwise you would leave. It unbalances and off-centres you deliberately.

He can be quite verbally aggressive at times
That is abuse.

This is not you being over sensitive. Read up about it - government/council websites, age concern, refuge, women's aid etc etc. Learn the signs. You might be unpleasantly surprised.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

This.
No, it's not normal. He is not a nice person.

anonymous11111111 · 20/04/2025 22:30

It's very difficult to say as if feelings aren't being communicated it's sometimes the small or harmless things that you normally wouldn't get upset by that trigger you. Maybe asking for a day or weekend to gather your own thoughts would be a good place to start and then have a calm conversation about somethings that you maybe would like to improve to have a healthier, stronger and more positive relationship. What's key here is to make sure to keep in mind that this could heavily affect the children too, so try to avoid conflict around them.

Vplop · 17/05/2025 13:44

This is not normal. Your partner is supposed to support you and lift you up. Care for you and anticipate your needs and be considerate of your feelings. Love is made up of friendship, trust and respect.

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