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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to move 90 miles away

22 replies

newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:26

Me and DC's father split up at the begining of this year after 6 years of a loveless marriage and him drinking far too much. We currently live in a very expensive part of London and our family flat is held within the cladding process and void EWS1 form so we're unable to sell at the moment. I will stay here until we can sell, however the issue is I would like to move to my hometown which is 90 miles away. This is where my family and support network are. I know i'll get help with childcare and be able to find a job locally... my ex H wants me to move to his hometown which is 25 miles away so i can use his family as my support network and he can be closer to our DC.

My issue with this is that I feel I would be incredibly isolated and since we've been split up my ex has gone from insisting on having our DC every weekend, to having her every other weekend (which still has me doing far more than he is) and then when he does have her he palms her off to his family and doesn't see her.

I don't feel it's reasonable for me to isolate myself to be 25 miles away for his convenience when he is making so little effort with DC. Am i being selfish and unreasonable? I just want to go home and be around my family to support me, but i'm aware its not about me - its about whats best for DC.

EDIT to add: Ex is saying to me if i move to his choice of location he will give me more money and agree for DC to move schools there, however he point blank wont agree for me to move to my location or give permission for her to move schools

OP posts:
Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 18:29

OP no need at all to feel badly. Move home. It’s your choice and it works best for you. Good luck :)

Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:31

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 18:29

OP no need at all to feel badly. Move home. It’s your choice and it works best for you. Good luck :)

Thankyou - i wish it was that easy but im very worried if i just move i will be taken to court and have my DC taken away from me. I feel like im living in a nightmare.

OP posts:
Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 18:34

It's a no-brainer. Go home to your relatives and start your new life. An alcoholic is not someone a child needs in their life anyway. If he gets his shit together and makes an effort for contact then great, but we all know that's unlikely. Get yourselves away from this drain on your emotions that he is. He's a millstone round your neck and DC's.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:36

Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 18:34

It's a no-brainer. Go home to your relatives and start your new life. An alcoholic is not someone a child needs in their life anyway. If he gets his shit together and makes an effort for contact then great, but we all know that's unlikely. Get yourselves away from this drain on your emotions that he is. He's a millstone round your neck and DC's.

do you know the process at all of moving away without permisson?

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 18:37

There are instances where he could apply to a court but I doubt he would succeed in this instance. You are moving for valid reasons and 90 miles, whilst a stretch, is not undoable for an EOW arrangement. If he was 50/50 he'd have more of an argument. I moved away after my ex left and only saw our toddlers 2 nights a month. He doesn't see them any less now, it's just more inconvenient. As the person doing 99% of everything, you need to have a set up that works for you. And I also wouldn't agree that you should do all the travelling...he's not stepped up for 50/50 so why should he now act as though he's being bereft of his kids that's he can't be arsed with anyway?

Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 18:38

You won't be having DC took off you. If he takes you to court, it'll be for access. He's not getting 100% access that isn't in DC's best interest. Even if he wins 50% access you'll just have to drop DC off with him some times maybe. He is unlikely to win that much though because 50% isn't that feasible with you living so far apart and DC needing to attend school. He's unlikely to even take you to court because alcoholics first love is alcohol and court costs money that could instead be spent on alcohol.

RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 18:39

The Prohibited Steps action by a court is for much bigger moves than what you are proposing.

Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 18:40

newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:36

do you know the process at all of moving away without permisson?

Show quote history

You literally don't need anyone's permission. You just organise it like you'd organise any house move if you was single and childless.

This is assuming you are moving UK to UK. No other countries involved.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:42

Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 18:38

You won't be having DC took off you. If he takes you to court, it'll be for access. He's not getting 100% access that isn't in DC's best interest. Even if he wins 50% access you'll just have to drop DC off with him some times maybe. He is unlikely to win that much though because 50% isn't that feasible with you living so far apart and DC needing to attend school. He's unlikely to even take you to court because alcoholics first love is alcohol and court costs money that could instead be spent on alcohol.

He's agreed he can't do 50/50 access as his work wouldn't allow it - he works very long hours...he's agreed on EOW but at the moment he 'tries' to drop in one evening a week to put DC to bed which means he's here for around 1.5 hours ... to me that doesn't warrant the reason to move to his location so he can have us on our doorstep incase he decides to drop in to do bedtime

I'd be happy to do some travelling if it meant I could live where I chose. Ive also offered to walk away from our marriage empty handed if he would just agree and let me leave

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:43

RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 18:39

The Prohibited Steps action by a court is for much bigger moves than what you are proposing.

Oh really? do you know what sort of moves its for? as Im very scared to make the move

OP posts:
Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 18:45

newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:31

Thankyou - i wish it was that easy but im very worried if i just move i will be taken to court and have my DC taken away from me. I feel like im living in a nightmare.

Show quote history

No OP you are allowed to move so please don’t let anything your ex says make you feel bad. He is saying that so he can get his way. I’m sure plenty of others will tell you they have moved no issues.

Calmdownpeople · 20/04/2025 18:45

newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:43

Oh really? do you know what sort of moves its for? as Im very scared to make the move

Show quote history

Like overseas. Not in country 90 miles away to be closer to family.

RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 18:51

Indeed. Just get going OP. He will bluster and tell you all sorts of bollocks about what you are allowed to do but please do not take ANYTHING he says as truth. Speak to a solicitor to put your mind at rest and just do it. He doesn't have to let you or agree to anything.

Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:54

RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 18:51

Indeed. Just get going OP. He will bluster and tell you all sorts of bollocks about what you are allowed to do but please do not take ANYTHING he says as truth. Speak to a solicitor to put your mind at rest and just do it. He doesn't have to let you or agree to anything.

My solicitor said to me he could apply to take me to court if I move which has really scared me

OP posts:
andtheworldrollson · 20/04/2025 18:58

It’s not ideal but it happens all fhe time and moving close to your family is a good reason to move

If ( I suspect it’s an empty threat ) he applies to take you to court say that you would be happy to leave the children with him

do be prepared to take the children back and forth as needs be

RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 18:59

He can apply. He probably won't and is highly unlikely to succeed. It seems to me you can get the wheels in motion and possibly spend an hour showing a judge why your move is reasonable, or so what he wants out of fear of something that almost certainly won't happen and even less likely, succeed.

Caroparo52 · 20/04/2025 18:59

Move to your chosen location. Dont agree to walk away with nothing... why should you give up what you are entitled to . He is speaking utter bollocks op.
Please get proper legal advice and know your rights. He's intimidating you with threats and lies which are not true in a court of law.
Get wised up.
Get mean.
Stick up for your dc and for yourself.
Good luck

Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 19:02

Thankyou all. I have been very beaten down for the past 6 years. I had my own business which he made me stop and i also had a good part time job which he made me leave as it wasn't convenient around his work so I am very keen to rebuild my life and pick myself back up

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 19:05

Caroparo52 · 20/04/2025 18:59

Move to your chosen location. Dont agree to walk away with nothing... why should you give up what you are entitled to . He is speaking utter bollocks op.
Please get proper legal advice and know your rights. He's intimidating you with threats and lies which are not true in a court of law.
Get wised up.
Get mean.
Stick up for your dc and for yourself.
Good luck

I think if i move away he will very much not give me a penny. I am dating someone (very new) which he found out about and he has already threatened me to cut my child maintenance. He also threatened me al ot with finances during our marriage

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 20/04/2025 19:07

Move to where you want to be. Keep evidence that he is ‘bribing’ you to move to his area, along with a note of when he should see his child vs when he. If he threatens you with court just say ok see you there

the court will take into account what’s best for the child, and I would say an alcoholic father is not best. As to him not giving you anything, go to CMS. In fact I would be doing that now

RhaenysRocks · 20/04/2025 19:08

But he CANT do those things. You are an legally entitled to those things and you children are entitled to be supported. Can I recommend you start a thread on Relationships ..there are some kick ass women on there that have found their anger after being treated like crap and will help you find yours.

Redfloralduvet · 20/04/2025 19:22

newmummylucy · 20/04/2025 18:54

My solicitor said to me he could apply to take me to court if I move which has really scared me

Show quote history

Coukd, not will. For access. Not for a crime.

Social services takes children away for abuse and neglect. He isn't social services. You haven't done abuse and neglect.

Court is how access is sorted out officially. You don't have to do voluntary access and with an alcoholic I wouldn't be.

Don't leave your marriage empty handed either. You don't need to give him all the power. You have rights too. You don't need his permission to live your life. Just live it.

If he wants midweek bedtime he takes DC to his house and does bedtime there and drops to school in the morning. And purchases everything DC needs eg bed, pyjamas, school uniform, food, toys etc. Not coming spending time in your house doing bedtimes. Then he has to stay sober in case DC needs him and be under drink driver limit next morning for school drop off. That's why he doesn't want bedtime at his house, I'll bet.

Which raises the question: is he actually sober enough to be a good parent when he has them weekends? I'll say not. Which is why I wouldn't volunteer access time. I'd move and hope he fucks off out of your lives permanently.

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