Am I being unreasonable about travel and my ex’s parenting?

[PinotBlank]

I’m feeling a bit stuck and would love some advice. My ex and I have two kids together, and he lives far away (about a 24 hour round trip by National Express) with no car. He's unemployed and cannot afford the train journey and he's currently of no fixed abode, stopping at his sister's.
He’s recently messaged to say he wants to take the kids to see his family, which would involve them travelling such a long distance.

I’ve said no because:

The trip is just too long and difficult for the kids, especially considering my son’s medical needs (one has an organ transplant and on lots of medication that has to be given at certain times and the other is on a toileting schedule due to a permanent bowel issue).

My ex has a history of not being very reliable with the kids’ care. He doesn’t attend medical appointments, has ADHD and is extremely forgetful, and doesn’t handle practical issues like school or medical needs well. I’m the one who does all of that, and I’m worried he won’t be able to manage during such a long journey.

He’s also not really great at being present with the kids when he’s here for short visits—he tends to just text me for help when things get difficult. He's currently having access every 2 weeks in my home and today for example, he didn't take them anywhere so they are extremely bored and messing about. Instead of entertaining them, he messaged me to come and sort them out while he sat on his phone in the kitchen.

I’ve tried to be reasonable and flexible before, but I’m just not sure the kids should be put through such a long, disruptive journey when they don’t need to be. My ex is accusing me of not wanting to do something for him, but I feel like I’m putting the kids' best interests first.

Am I being unreasonable, or is it fair to say no to this trip? What do other parents do in situations like this?

The children have also never met his side of the family as while we were together, he never went to visit them at all.

YANBU. Could his family come to you to visit?

There is no room to stay in our tiny house but I would be totally fine with them stopping nearby and meeting up with them.

I think serious health issues would make this a no even if you had more formal arrangements.

The solution is surely that he works towards getting his own place, has the kids to stay there and family can visit? In the meantime does he do video calls etc so the kids can build a bit of a relationship with them, or are they currently total strangers?

You're already going above and beyond letting him use your house for contact.

Let me guess - no financial contribution either?

They are total strangers. My eldest saw his grandad once when he was 3 months old and that's it.
This is my opinion too, and you are right, no financial contributions.
Even today I had to wake him up to tell him to take them to a sport that they do and when he was out, he messaged me to send him the £6 each to pay for it ...

They make you out to be the bad guy though.

"No sorry that's not happening. I understand you want them to see your family, but it would be better for them to come and stay in a hotel nearby here and you can arrange to take them out from my house from here. A 24hr round trip with our sick child is not appropriate and to be honest, the kids will hate that journey too. I also don't want to be that far away incase anything happens. You've also had to ask me for money a few times, so i don't trust you not to be short for cash to look after them whilst they're so far away from home. Please let's work out a weekend that they can stay down here and visit."

YANBU at all.

Excellent, thank you so much.
I was gaslit the whole marriage so it's just hard to get out of that questioning mindset. He always had me thinking I was in the wrong.

Well let me be blunt to further reaffirm your gut instincts... you'd be a pretty shit mum to let a kid with an organ transplant travel 24hrs on a national express coach, with a Dad who can't financially support himself or demonstrate responsibility... and you definitely don't sound like a shit mum!! 😘

Thank you 😊

You're absolutely right to say no. He sounds like a useless arse to be honest. If anything, I think you're too accommodating to him - he needs a good kick up the behind!

Honestly he sounds like he's not capable of safely looking after them at all. I think it would be irresponsible to let him take them for a trip like that.Letting them visit in your own area is more than enough.

YANBU OP.

“Instead of entertaining them, he messaged me to come and sort them out while he sat on his phone in the kitchen.”

I’d have asked him to leave. He’s an absolute drone, OP, and I think it’s exceedingly good of you to let him see the DC in your house. No way should your children be a 24 hour journey away from home.
“My ex is accusing me of not wanting to do something for him” - it’s not about him, it’s about your DC. You sound as though you’re doing a great job, OP, and going above and beyond by way of facilitating contact. Stick to your guns, and point out to your ex that the DC’s interests, and taking account of their medical needs, MUST come first.