AIBU to refuse gifts from my parents / in laws.

[NattlesNat]

I have a 2 year old son, he is the first grandchild on both sides, and so my parents and the in laws want to spoil him. This is lovely, but it’s the type of gifts they get that drive me mad. They are all about spending, spending, spending with ZERO thought. Things they have bought;

1. cheap tat from abroad with loose parts, choking hazards, button batteries, etc, that’s all completely age inappropriate.
2. duplicates of stuff I’m guessing they don’t know we already have (they never bother to ask).
3. duplicates of things they know we already have (e.g. two play hoovers, two doll prams, two bubble machines.) they explicitly say they got it because they know we already have one but “this is a slightly different version / style”.
4. stuff we would never want (e.g. a ten foot trampoline when our garden is only 20 feet long and wide).
5. hampers of chocolate (our son in allergic to dairy, which they know).

I’ve tried politely reminding them no gifts are ever expected, that if they really want to buy him something to ask and we can at least tell them if we already have it / whether it’s suitable. When niceties didn’t work, I bluntly told them “he already has this, you can either take it back or I will sell it (second hand for less than you paid)” to which they told me to sell them. But yet it still continues. I am honestly sick of having to do a big display of gratitude (they expect it) for these endless useless gifts. Can I just refuse to accept things now? How can I make them get the message?

I wouldn’t trust them to babysit if they can’t remember his allergy

Sorry I should have said working class. In my experience WC people are generous and MC/wealthy ones are mean and think giving an empty card to close family is acceptable.

Hurt feelings versus a dead child? One day they will give him something dangerous when you are not there and then what?

Have one big meeting saying you do NOT want anything bought unless they have checked with you first otherwise you will have to refuse them immediately, your child will not be opening them.

If they get all emotional and wail they only want to spoil their grandchild, then wail back you only want to keep your child alive. It might shock them out of themselves.

I'd give it them straight back and say I don't have time to donate it and our bins full, once it starts being there issue to sort they will eventually stop.

I meant it in the sense that they are people who don’t really have the spare cash to be spending, but still do as family mean a lot to them.

I think remember that when people buy gifts they largely do it for themselves. So let them give it and just chuck or donate it the minute they've gone. When they ask where it is just say you threw it away because it's dangerous or unwanted. Don't bother saying it's donated or sold.

I certainly agree with this experience! 🤣 My incredibly wealthy sister used to give cards to my kids with hand drawn pictures of toys (instead of toys). They didn't mind.

Or you could say "Thank you. Hey, (insert DC name) wouldn't this be nice to keep at Grandma's?". Hand it back and let them store it.

Give away anything safe to a refuge or food back and bin the unsafe things.

Dont let him know about or open the gifts so they aren’t getting the hit they need by showcasing themselves as doting grandparents. it’s also not fair on him when he gets older.

make unwanted gifts their problem. Stop selling/donating/binning them.

we love you X/DM etc but as we’ve explained before … etc etc - please take it home and return or donate it.

a ban on presents outside of Christmas and birthdays.

is this every visit? Can we body comity search them on the doorstep?

have they any allergies or dislikes we can force on them?

If they are buying duplicates they can stay at their house for a start 'great, he can play with that when he comes to yours'. Trampoline too - that will be wonderful for him to play on when he comes over....

I couldn't get my in laws to stop but I did do this with loads of stuff.

@NattlesNat

Maybe try "Oh a <insert item>. Look Jonny, we will sell this and put the money right in your savings account. Tell Gran and Gramps thank you for contributing to your savings this way".

Can you ask specifically for a toy you know DC would love.
Surely they will get more joy out of sering delight of something they are really excited by.

The chocolate gifts is weird - do they understand it's an allergy & not just limiting treats?

You need to be even blunter.

”Mum/MIL, stop constantly buying things. I know you love X and want to bring him things. Please just choose a magazine/book/bag of sweets when you visit. We do not have room for any more toys and he doesn’t need anything else. I will give you a wishlist for his birthdays and Christmas to make sure we avoid duplicates and get things he will really enjoy. I do not have the time to keep disposing of the avalanche of unnecessary and unwanted things you keep buying for them, and so I will have to make you take them home. I do appreciate your generosity and I know it comes from a good place but you are making life really hard for us at the moment.” Send to both so neither feels picked on.

I had this with one set of grandparents. I just ended up saying buy what you want but it stays at yours! The big, ridiculous gifts seemed to stop after that and money was given instead for Christmas and birthdays! Our house just wasn’t big enough for all the unnecessary stuff- they would buy them more at Christmas than we would!

As a GP you do want to treat your GC. Putting money in a savings account is not a treat. I love to buy my GD clothes but me and DD1 don't have the same taste, however now DGD is 7 and I buy what she would like and don't care if it is not to DD taste. As for gifts I buy a scooter it stays here, I buy rollerskates they stay here. My DD is ruthless and would
bin anything, hates clutter so I am very fortunate that DGD lives close and I see her a lot so can easily use what I get loads and I will donate rather than bin when finished with.

Could you set up a wish list on Amazon or fill a basket on the Early Learning Centre site or wherever and say that if they're tempted to buy him something could they look there?

you need to tell them. Put it that you value their emotional support and love but your dc has too much stuff already so please stop - seriously. If they really want to give something then you will suggest something they need, and send a link. But there’s no need.

My MIL was the same, she calmed down after a while. My issue was the size of some of the gifts and the wasting of money but to be fair she could afford it!

Much of what is donated to charity shops ends up in landfill. There is just too much stuff around. There’s other ways to treat DHC than buying them toys and clothes.

Donate to these people, they collect
https://anglodoorstepcollections.co.uk/

Could you persuade them always to buy books so you can build your DS a children's library?

set up a savings account for him and ask them to put the money that they would have spent on a present ( maybe not every time) in it for him to use when he’s an adult ( deposit/ studies etc) That would be a great gift !

How about coming up with something the kids can 'collect.' Then parents and inlaws can buy additions to their collections.... something that you can keep for them, doesn't take up much room and will be worth something in 10-20 years time....? You know, like the boxed star wars figures of old.... something like that....
Only I cant think of anything specific off the top of my head, so maybe not such a good idea at all 😂

If they are wealthy tell them to donate to kids who haven't got a anything.