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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my partner to move back in with his parents?

23 replies

Friends1996 · 20/04/2025 12:46

I have been with my partner for just over a year. We live separately because we live about 35 minutes apart and he lives close to his work place, works various shifts and it avoids a long commute from my place. I can’t move to a different area because I have children still in school. We are both in our 30’s if that is relevant.

His rent has suddenly increased by a fair bit - over £100 a month - but he can still afford this as he has just finished paying something up that was costing him £200 a month, so he now has that money spare to use on the rent.

Ever since his rent has increased, he has been talking about suddenly needing to move, and he keeps talking about moving back in with his parents. There is loads of pros to this - shorter commute to work (albeit it only a saving of 10 minutes or so), being able to save loads of money and being able to see his family more. The cons however is obviously it is a step back in terms of independence and privacy and I just think at this age, when you can afford to live on your own then you should and I just don’t find it attractive that a man in his 30’s is moving back home to live with mummy and daddy to be waited on hand and foot (which is what will happen, they will even buy his food for him and cook for him every night, etc).

AIBU to feel this way? And if so, how should I bring it up to him?

OP posts:
Withoutfearorfavour · 20/04/2025 12:52

Would it be short-term whilst he saves for a deposit for a house perhaps?

Louko · 20/04/2025 12:53

I think it’s his business if that’s what he wants to do? Maybe he wants to save up to buy a flat or something? Rents are so expensive , it’s not really that unusual for people to move back with their parents for a while.

AudiobookListener · 20/04/2025 12:54

He has every right to move back in with his parents. You can't dictate how he spends his money. But I would worry that when the reality of living with his parents again hits, he may start angling to move in with you. He's just a boyfriend you've only known for a year, so that should be a big no from you, given that you have kids. You have every right to find all that unattractive.

Original poster
Friends1996 · 20/04/2025 12:54

No he isn’t saving up to buy anywhere, he doesn’t want to buy, as I have mentioned this to him before

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 20/04/2025 12:55

I'd see this as a red flag because he's happy to spend £200 a month on something he wants, but not on normal basics like the cost of living.

SleeplessInWherever · 20/04/2025 12:55

30 year old man living with his parents would be a humongous “ick” for me.

BlondeMummyto1 · 20/04/2025 12:57

It’s not just rent that is increasing though is it?
It’s rent, council tax, energy bills, water, broadband..

If he can save money by living with his parents for a while or until he finds someone to progress with then what’s the problem?

Yabu.

TheAmusedQuail · 20/04/2025 12:57

Obviously, it's his choice. 100%. But I agree, a man in his 30s, living with his parents is hugely unattractive. It's one of the key things that puts women off men, because they're seen as man-children, unable to cope with independent life.

But yes, his choice. But he'll also find it hard to find a new girl-friend. Any new woman will instantly see his red flag flying.

And yes, as another poster has mentioned, definitely do not consider allowing him to live with you. He's either a mummy-man-child or a cock lodger in the making, from the sounds of him. Can afford to live independently but doesn't want to? He's looking for a free ride somewhere and I'm betting at some point he'll be suggesting you as the provider (under the guise of he could move in with you and share your costs - which will never happen - since you're not happy about him living with his parents).

uncomfortablydumb60 · 20/04/2025 12:58

yes, I would see it as a backward step at his age. Totally different when DC move to save up for a deposit to buy.
strikes me that he just wants an easy life

Withoutfearorfavour · 20/04/2025 12:58

He will move in with you by osmosis by the sounds of it

Original poster
Friends1996 · 20/04/2025 12:59

uncomfortablydumb60 · 20/04/2025 12:58

yes, I would see it as a backward step at his age. Totally different when DC move to save up for a deposit to buy.
strikes me that he just wants an easy life

Yeah this is my concerns exactly, because his first reaction was “oh, now I can finally have some money to treat myself and buy myself things” - it really strikes me as a fully grown adult that doesn’t want to live in reality when it comes to paying your way

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 20/04/2025 13:05

It's not the moving back with parents, it's the moving back and thinking he will be waited on and not paying his way and spending money on non essentials that's the problem. So it doesn't sound he's your type of man, there's no future for you unless you want him to treat you in the way he would his parents.

SkaneTos · 20/04/2025 13:08

I agree with @BlondeMummyto1 .

MatildaTheCat · 20/04/2025 13:13

Have you ever spoken about your futures? He seems to be thinking around a week ahead, somewhat like a child. You quite clearly have a home and DC and would expect him to be thinking longer term.

You need a conversation on what your respective hopes are.

OfficerChurlish · 20/04/2025 13:20

... a man in his 30’s is moving back home to live with mummy and daddy to be waited on hand and foot (which is what will happen, they will even buy his food for him and cook for him every night, etc).

It sounds like THIS is the issue, rather than the possibility that he'd be temporarily living in a place his parents own rather than renting from someone he's not related to. If you think this little of him, and have to work so hard to change him or to prevent him from regressing to a prepubescent state, maybe he's not the best partner for you?

That said, the only way you can talk him out of it (short of giving him an ultimatum, which isn't ideal and may backfire) is to brainstorm reasons that this new living situation would be inconvenient and undesirable FOR HIM, and present those to him persuasively.

Emmylou22 · 20/04/2025 13:22

What's concerning is he plans to move back in with his parents so he can spend his money on more 'fun' stuff. But there's no plan to save up for a place of his own while he's there. So whats his long-term plan? Assume it's to move in with you. Is this what you want? Be very careful he doesn't end up living with you and taking advantage of you paying all the bills while he spends his money on himself. I think it's a red flag if he has no long-term outlook.

Daleksatemyshed · 20/04/2025 15:42

He's presuming his parents will have him back and charge him very modest keep, which might be reasonable if he was saving for a house and his parents were on board with it. I think you've learnt something important Op, he's not interested in being an independent adult so he's OK for now but not a good long term bet. If Mum and Dad say No I wonder how long it will be before he asks to move in with you?

TheAmusedQuail · 20/04/2025 15:45

Being practical, where does he imagine you'll have sex with him? Not at his parents. So it'll be at your place. Where you'll let him stay, feed him, do all the housework (because it's your place). While his mum's at home doing his laundry, change the bed for him, hoovering his room.

Very nice. Life serviced by women.

Purpleturtle43 · 20/04/2025 15:47

This would put me off too and think it's pathetic. It wouldn't be so bad if it was for save up for a deposit, even then I would think he is just sponging off his parents, but if he just wants to spend money on things he fancies them that's a different story.

Endofyear · 20/04/2025 21:00

If he's happy to live with his parents then good luck to him. In many cultures, multigenerational households are the norm. If you find it off-putting that's a perfectly valid viewpoint too. Sounds like he's not the one for you 🤷‍♀️

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/04/2025 21:03

The cost of living is exploding everywhere, if he can save a few 100 a month by staying with parents, it a better idea then renting a room.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/04/2025 21:15

It's a more subtle way of convincing you that having him move in for free is your idea, I'll grant it.

healthybychristmas · 21/04/2025 00:31

So he thinks he can live with them without any responsibilities and stay with you whenever he wants with no responsibilities?

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