to want a second child

[becca2004]

Hi, my husband does not want a second child. His arguments are:

1. He is the only source of income at present
2. He is enjoying the freedom of having a 2yr 4 month old
3. Babies and Children are expensive
4. Babies and Children need lots of 'stuff'
5. Our house is in the prosess of us renevating - stil no plaster on some walls, no ceiling in places, no bathroom (although have shower downstairs!), no sink in kitchen (have dishwasher though) etc.

I understand that we will have to be careful financially but I don't see that we can't cope. I beleive that this is the right time for me to have another baby, i feel completely ready to be pregnant, give birth etc. again.

My last pregnancy was not straight forward and I spent alot of time in and out of hospital. The birth was also traumatic for all involved - including the hospital staff!
However there is no proof that this will happen again...?

Please help I am slowly going mad (and driving him mad) gushing over babies and pregnant women who seem to be everywhere I turn!! Think it must be a hormone thing...?

I can understand you wanting another so I don't think YABU. However, maybe you could address some of his concerns by suggesting to work part time after the second one arrives or to wait until the renovations are finished (or at least until you have a bathroom and kitchen maybe). Obviously without knowing your circumstances I don't know if going back to work is practical / sensible so forgive me if not.

As far as 3 and 4 goes, yes he's right, but presumably you have a lot of stuff from dc1 so it's really not as expensive the scond time!

Good luck persuading him... To help maybe mention that 2 will ultimately give you more time - as they get older they will be able to play and amuse each other which will give you both back the chance to do things for yourself again which is something my dh found really hard when we were thinking of having our second.

I always think once you start your family you may as well keep going till your finished. If your gonna be a SAHM for one child you may as well be a SAHM for 10!!!!

The quicker it's done, the quicker you can get back to work. It's never a good time really coz they are so expensive but as alicet said you have loads of stuff anyway.

Good luck.

I found most of the adjustment came with ds1 actually. Ds2 hasn't really cost us anything, since we already had everything. The only expense has been 2 double pushchairs - but that's another story! But yes you are chucked back into nappies and everything again. I can't wait until another 6 months has passed and ds2 is 2 and ready for pre-school a couple of mornings a week.

Just play on the existing child needing a sibling ! Someone to play with, share with, argue with ect. Keep going, men do give in to nagging in time ! Good luck x

Maybe dh is actually worried about you going through a similar experience with another pg and you should address those issues with him first before tackling the practical ones.
One dr advised me that a second baby would be too dangerous. So we went for a second opinion and dh got to ask a lot of questions. Having a second was then a joint agreement to go for it (though he already knew I'd be devestated to have just one so there was a little pressure).

You are not unreasonable to want another baby.

He is not unreasonable to veto it.

Arguments you could use to convince him:

• a second child will play with the first, if they are close enough together in age

• greatest financial hardship of parenthood is loss of the mother's income, and you don't have one at the moment.

• Another baby on the way will give great incentive to finish the house rennovations.

As some one else said, "stuff" can be passed down.

Does he ever want a second child? Will there ever be a 'right' time? Is he anxious because of your difficult first preganancy and birth? I think you need some honest discussion. I can see his POV, because when the first child hits two, you start to have more freedom, no more nappies etc and you feel that you are getting out and doing stuff with a little person rather than a baby, so i guess many men feel apprehensive about launching into the whole baby phase again. Why not make some changes to your lifestyle to make things easier? Either put the renovations on hold, or alternatively, have a real blitz and get as much done and then embark on baby number 2. And why don't you get a job, at least P/T, so that your DH isnt the sole breadwinner, as I think for a lot of men this is an unreasonable pressure to put on them. I can completely understand your dilemna, btw. We had dd1 and there were many good reasons not to go for more (she was a dream baby/toddler, I was working so childcare was affordable for one, a nightmare for two etc) but try to think long term about the structure of your family in5 years and 10 years time. Some people are happy with big age gaps, but tbh I found my children were much better company being closer in age. It also means that you can go through each 'phase' together rather than having, say, two in school and more independent and then starting the baby thing all over again.

Hey thanks for all your messages. Alfiesbabe I think you were right and we had that chat today, he doesn't want anymore for the foreseeable future so I asked him outright does he ever want another child, he says he doesn't know all we can do is talk about it every year and he will see how he feels. This was his suggestion last summer when I wanted baby number 2 and here we are still no!!!! I have spent an hour crying in the shower as I feel the answer will be no every year. Life must go on and I have the most amazing little boy who needs his mummy so for now I will try to focus on this rather than the fact that I feel like I am greiving...? I am worrries however that I will grow to resent him but guess this is life. Got to go. Thanks.

i am in exact same situation

i cried we argued and now we are happy as we are still part of me would like another child but blessed with our ds 3

dp used to always say he wanted 2 childen but changed his mind and says never wants anymore

does hurt but cant force someone and it means we get to give more love and attention to the one we have

i think it upsets me more that no concideration goes to my feelings and i have to except his no more and thats it

but hey we have our ds he needs all support he can get and as time goes on i can see myself getting to work sooner putting an end to some money worries we have more freedom with ds being at the age he is

and as a couple we have more time so its not all bad just best to focus on what you have and not what you dont have xx

i do understand how much it hurts though but it does ease and you do start appreciating what you have especially when you hear of people who are struggling for what we have

OMG. "all we can do is talk about it every year and he will see how he feels" All he's done is invent a way to keep your nagging down to once a year.

I'm a firm believer in picking your battles, but you can't do that with children as so many factors are involved - the ages of the kids, your fertility, whether you bwant to return to work, etc. A child is a joint decision, not something for him to waft about the place contemplating.

1. He is the only source of income

Can you get around that by working, part-time? Would it be cost effective - do you have family who would care for ds and a baby part time?

1. enjoying the freedom

OK, it's enjoyable, but is he saying that his enjoyment outweighs any possible benefit to your DS, you, and your happiness long term?

1. and 4. Children are expensive and need stuff

Yes, I agree. Specially long term, Uni and stuff. Again, maybe you working (or having a clearly agreed, written down 'life plan' for how this will be addressed, will help ease this worry

1. House being renovated

No, not an ideal time, however as long as you feel you can cope, a baby won't notice the surroundings. And timing for you and existing child is more important, if you feel that it would be better for a sibling to be a 'playmate' close in age to ds

I don't say this to have a view as to whether you should have another (I'm a happy mum of one!) but I think his arguments are fairly easy to counter, personally

i think you should get all male and logical about it and write this all down in a 'second baby' folder

He can't then fail to see how important it is to you, as well

Good luck

Hmmm tough one - can see both sides.

I will just say that as someone who spent a month in hospital whilst pregnant and with a 2 year old at home it was one of the most stressfull periods of our life - so you really need your dh's full support.

Thanks for all your advice and kind words. The last few days have been hard but alot of serious talking has taken place. I am in the process of getting a part-time job so I can contribute to the household income. DH has agreed to do his best to sort the kitchen (leaky roof) so we can finish putting the cabinets up and unpack some more boxes and tackle the upstairs bathroom. We have finally talked about what we still need to buy in respect to this and how long each job will take. Therefore we should have a finished kitchen and bathroom by the end of Aug/Sept. Once these rooms are finished we can have our living room back (boxes, bath, cabinets, toilet and sink currently taking up the majority of the room). DH is then happy to talk about the possibility of having another child. All in all the emotional weekend has been good for us both. He felt under too much pressure and it took him until yesterday to realise this was the main issue. Hopefully I will be able to post a new message at the end of Sept.
Once again thankyou for all your help throgh this difficult time.
P.S. I am very grateful for what I have so please don't think otherwise.