Grandma won’t stop talking about me having a baby

[Timetogoo]

My partner and I recently got engaged and the first thing my grandma said was “does this mean there will be a baby coming afterwards?” I said no. She knows how I feel, I have never ever wanted children yet she still goes on about it all the time. I was so excited to tell my grandma about our engagement and I thought she was going to be happy. But she made the whole thing about kids. She asked my DP how he feels about not having kids (awkward conversation to have as it wasn’t the time or place and put him on the spot in front of all my other family) I just told her to leave it as we have already discussed it together. She asked him “what does your mum think?” Then because DP is an only child she said “I feel sorry for any woman who doesn’t get to be a grandma” I just made an excuse to leave.

its not the first or second or third time she has brought it up. She does it all the time. I have already told her I’m not going to change my mind and to just drop it. A few years ago my mum was going through a hard time where she was feeling very down and had a bit of “empty nest syndrome” once my sister moved out and couldn’t stop crying. My grandma turned to me and said “you know what will make her feel better? A grandchild” I’ve told her that it’s no one else’s decision! I’m not having a baby to make someone else happy. She just won’t listen to me and I now dread going to see her and stay away as much as I can. My visits have been less and less and I feel sad about it because I want to see her.

I miss her. I have always been so close to her. Growing up I would go round to hers every Sunday, I would sleep over all the time and she’d take me to all these new places. We went on holidays together every year and she took me to America, which is still one of my favourite childhood memories. So I have all of these brilliant memories of my grandma and such a strong relationship with her. Since my grandad died I would go round to see her at least once a week. Over the past 6 months I have stopped going. I’ve told her why and she said “well youre right, if you don’t like it, don’t come” and I’m just so hurt by this.

Is this it now? Do I just stop visiting completely or very rarely and accept that our relationship is changed even if it upsets me?

She was bought up in a very different time and clearly doesn't understand your choices. Do you really want to bin your relationship with her over disagreeing about one thing? Find a way to respond which feels right for you and repeat it every time she mentions it. Eventually she will realise that it doesn't get her anywhere and she will stop.
Most families have at least one thing they just either don't talk about or avoid talking about with certain members of the family because it is just irritating for everyone. Mine is explaining what non binary means to my parents. It's just not worth the effort at the moment.

I wonder if it's related to dementia? Sorry if that sounds like a big leap, but it doesn't sound like this type of thing is part of her personality as you got on so well before. My mum developed dementia in her late seventies and she would do this- saying the same things over and over, constantly asking the same thing. It wasn't like her at all, it was like a personality changed. And she'd be very blunt about things, I could imagine my mum saying the same thing as your gran with the "don't come if you don't like it".
We didn't realise at the time as she hadn't been diagnosed at that point, she was in the very early stages, but later on it we realised it had been part of her condition.

This will probably offend people but I bet if you said you couldn't biologically have your own children and none of the interventions have worked, she'd drop it. It's the fact that you've chosen this is what she can't get her head around.
Very frustrating when people need telling multiple times to stop bringing painful subjects up. I rarely encounter those types in real life and if I did I'd just avoid them. Appreciate it's difficult as you had a good relationship before. You'll just have to shut the conversation down every time.

I won't pretend to understand your choice, but I think she's completely out of order. Just remember that it's not you who has ruined the relationship, it's her.

How close are you're mum and Grandma. Could you ask your mum to have a word with her, or maybe tell Grandma that if she says anything more about babies to you then there will be no invite to the wedding. With some people (old and young), you sometimes have to be harsh in order to make them hear.

This. The last thing you want at your wedding is your grandma going on and on to anyone who’ll listen that she can’t wait to be a great grandma.

They are close but not as close I used to be with my grandma. My mum has already told her but it doesn’t make a difference. I think the options are, I keep my relationship with her and just put up with her constantly going on about it. Or just stop going round often. I don’t think I could cut contact completely, but it’s not something I can keep enduring every week when I visit.

Honestly, OP, this is why I’ve not seen one side of my family for years. All they ever went on about was babies. Which cousin was pregnant/ who they dreamt would be pregnant next/ why aren’t you all pregnant/ why don’t you get a nice man and get pregnant etc etc.

It’s a shame, because they are nice people but I’ve now not seen them since our grandparent passed away because I’ve just had enough. Even the family group chat is like something out of the Handmaid’s Tale, and I don’t even think they realise how weird it is.

My grandma was on a similar vein, but given she was my grandma, I’ll be honest; I sucked it up. You could ask your mum to have a word but my experience is it has little effect.

Sorry I have no better advice, just solidarity. I don’t think they realise how invasive and personal those questions are.

I assume it isn’t a painful discussion if you made the decision through choice/not wanting children?

If not I wouldn’t let it ruin an otherwise close relationship that you value. Just laugh it off and change the subject.

Ah I’m sorry that you relate!

I have sucked it up so far and just put up with it. But the fact that I was so looking forward to giving her the news of our engagement and she soured the whole day and didn’t even pretend to be happy about it has me wondering if this is it now and if I should just stay away as much as possible. It is so sad though

I think you need to be blunt and say Grandma, please stop asking as it's really annoying, I've already explained.

Grandma's aren't in your life for that long so don't avoid her without at least challenging her first.

Have you pointed out that she’s being very rude?

“Grandma, I love you, but I have repeatedly asked you to stop raising this. You aren’t going to change my mind and it seems to me that you deliberately spoil every visit by being so rude. Our relationship is important to me and you are hurting me with this behaviour.”

Sometimes you just have to lay your cards out very plainly.

My Nan has always been the same. A bit different in my case as I always wanted children eventually but spent all my 30’s travelling rather than settling down. Every time I saw her it was “you’re running out of time”, “you best freeze your eggs”. (Partly true but I understood these risks and kept telling her that!). It was always “well when I was your age I was married with 3 children”. “Great nan, I’m enjoying hanging out on tropical beaches, scuba diving daily, and hiking volcanoes for now!”.

Even now that I have a child and fiancé she still keeps going on about me needing a second. I’m actually pregnant but haven’t told her yet as it’s early days, but I had to listen to her going on about how (at 35) I’m probably way too old for another now anyway and I should have settled sooner, and/or frozen my eggs. I did explain that freezing eggs is extremely expensive, I think she just thought it was available free-of-charge on the NHS!

Anyway, they grew up in a completely different time where that was just the norm. Times have changed but they haven’t necessarily caught up with that and can’t understand a different viewpoint.

Things were very different back in her day. Women were expected, once married, to have and raise children and to stay home and look after their children when the man went out to work. It seems like she hasn't moved with the times and in her head it still feels like its the done thing to do. She doesn't seem to comprehend how much things have changed since 'the good old days'.

Cutting your relationship off because of this if you have such a good relationship other than this one particular thing seems harsh.

Is there any way you can change your mindset towards her when she starts saying those things? Instead of getting annoyed by her insistence on having kids, just try and laugh it off instead? I know that its not easy for everyone but its what my eldest DD did when her great grandmother used to say these things about children. She has always been clear she doesn't want any but her grandmother would always bring it up. She used to get annoyed by it but then just realised that she was not going to stop going on about it so started just laughing it off and making jokes about it instead. I think she just realised that her grandmothers views were from a different time and she just became accepting of that. She knew that she wasn't going to change her views and opinions so just kind of went along with it and rolled her eyes and was like 'oh this again'

If you are sure dementia isn’t an issue then maybe ask her if she realises how unhappy these questions make you. She might then give reasons why she thinks it’s important for you to have children, to justify her interference. Counter every one of them with “I don’t want children.” Then ask her why she thinks bringing unwanted children into the world is a good idea.

I did try the laugh it off approach a few times. It just gets relentless and makes me dread going round. So then I think what is the point in even going then.

As a joke once I said “besides.. don’t want to ruin my body do I” (this actually isn’t a reason for me, I just said it as a lighthearted comment) and she said “well youre not exactly thin now” (I’m fine, I’m a size 12) and these little digs are hurtful. Once she patted my stomach and said “youre not are you?!” I said no grandma, that’s just what my stomach looks like!

She’ll just say oh but you WILL want them, it’s different when they’re your own etc etc.

I think your answer changes based on if:

1. You just aren’t pregnant yet.
2. She’s quite old and you are unlikely to be pregnant before she passes.
3. You are absolutely not having children though choice or otherwise.

Apologies if you already said which it was.

my partner and I just don’t want them ever, down to personal choice

Ugh, my mum did similar when I got engaged (albeit she eventually calmed down about it). Sooo tedious. What I'd want to do given that talking to her about it hasn't worked is something childish like take a bingo card with me & mark it off each time she mentioned it and shout BINGO! Once she'd said it enough times to fill the card or whatever, but in reality I just wouldn't go round as much.

Generation or no generation gap this is intrusive beyond words OP I’d be so annoyed!

My mum was born in 1919 and she would not have behaved like this at all. In fact, she wasn't bothered whether I had children or not. Using the grandmother's age as an excuse just isn't cutting it. Your grandma is being fucking rude and intrusive. She's also made it clear that she'll carry on this barrage of abuse and if you don't like it you can stay away - so clearly she doesn't value your relationship as much as you do. I'd personally take her advice and stay away.

Would it be more meaningful to her if you wrote and explained it all, and laid out your feelings in black and white, how hurtful tou find it that she doesn’t respect it, and lay out the consequences if she continues?

Tell her you won't go round and see her until it stops and mean it.