To find this infuriating

[okaythensure]

I’m finding DH hard to take at the moment. He’s constantly managing us and finding us things to do.

I’ve just come upstairs after basically being “sent to my room”.

The whole half term there has been zero downtime. Every moment has to be filled with doing something.

When DC get up he gets up and hovers around them. He’d never think to come back to bed for half an hour so we can spend some time together and then it’s a stream of have breakfast, get dressed, get out go, go, go.

we were all exhausted yesterday and he still had us up and out and in town by midday and then had a face on him because the kids were just being kids.

This morning I’ve gone downstairs at 7 to make a drink and he’s ushering me upstairs, telling me I’m taking over because I made my son a bowl of cereal. It’s ridiculous I feel like a child in my own house.

I made plans with DC for tomorrow and as soon as he hears he’s trying to change them with a “better idea”.

I spoke to him yesterday about him over scheduling us and making me feel like we always have to be doing something. It’s fallen on deaf ears and this morning he’s confused because yesterday I said I wanted a rest…not what I said 😭

Yeah I couldn’t live like that, I would tell him to get fucked!

Why isn't it okay for you to make your son a bowl of cereal? That's fucking bizarre and a bit controlling. I'd tell him to piss off and let you all relax. If he wants to be on the go 24/7 that's up to him but he can't force everyone else to do the same. Just say no.

On the one hand yes I would find this infuriating but on the other hand my husband never organised anything for our kids or us to do when they were small so maybe you can say how much you appreciate his efforts but reach a compromise?

The way you describe it, he sounds so driven, I'm wondering if there's something going on for him psychologically.

Could he be channeling his own parents' behaviour? Did they rush him about during school holidays and might he unconsciously feel as though that's the "right" way to do it? Or conversely, maybe he was left to his own devices at half term & felt neglected and is now driven to "do better" for his own kids, perhaps neurotically over-following the example of another family he knew who he compared to his own?

Controlling and frenetic behaviour often stems from anxiety, so maybe he is afraid of something, perhaps afraid of "empty time" with the DCs (or indeed, with you?) and how he will fill it?

You are being very passive. Allowing yourselves to all be bustled out the door and sent upstairs.

Sit on your sofa and refuse! Tell him 'Me and the kids are having a day at home'. Let him take himself out.

What are you all afraid of?

Tell him to do what he wants but you’re not joining in.

I am not quite sure I understand the situation. On one hand it seems he is being unreasonable, directing you to go to your bedroom, get out of the kitchen.
I am not sure on the rest - how old are your children? As on one level you wanted to make cereal for them (suggesting they are not old enough to do this) but also say he should go back to bed and spend time with you rather than hovering around the children when they wake up (so they are old enough to be unsupervised) which seems contradictory.
Also maybe it's just different views - I am an early riser and would also rather get up and get going. It generally is quieter going out first thing and if the children are awake and the plan is going out then to me it makes sense to get moving. You however sound more like a late riser which is why you are less keen on this approach. Likewise you just seem to have different ideas on what to do with free time, again it isn't clear on the ages of the children but when mine were younger it was much easier to manage the holidays if we were busy and out somewhere, maybe he finds it hard being at home with the children and there is the risk of them moaning more about being bored. You need to discuss splitting the time and suggest activities that mean being home isn't hard work, maybe board game days, arts and crafts, baking etc.

Don’t you discuss plans for the next day? Can’t you say let’s have a lazy day for example?

If you are not allowed to make your own kid cereal then there’s bigger issues than what you’ve got planned for the weekend. Sounds like he’s a controlling nasty arse.

I’m happy he organises activities but there’s no balance. We get don’t get five minutes of peace.

when I try to have a sofa day I can see him itching to make us do something.

Hes “doing” all the time and then complains he gets no time to himself…but can’t see he’s the reason for that

What happens if you just say no? If he’s “itching” to go, just tell him to occupy himself. Errands, chores, DIY, some project , because you and the kids are just chilling today.

Doesn't he have a job? Or has he been on leave this week and trying to make the most of it?

Tbh if he meant maybe your son should make his own cereal and you chill out in bed, that doesn't sound so bad?

And getting into town for midday isn't exactly the crack of dawn?

But I don't get why you can't just agree that for example you'll go somewhere at 11 and before that will be "chill time". Maybe remind him it's good for kids to get bored sometimes!

@Loveduppenguin nailed it.

I’ve just come upstairs after basically being “sent to my room”.

If anyone tried to send me to my room there is absolutely no way I would obey.

If he must be go go go (I do understand that), then he can go out, take the kids with him, and leave you on the sofa. Heaven! And everyone’s happy.

I think you need to have a “gentle parenting” talk with him. Tell him what you want from him and ask him to paraphrase. (Make sure it’s bite-sized chunks of information or he will revert to his usual style of tuning out and hearing what he wants to hear.) It would be extremely helpful if you can use the sandwich method to communicate with him also.
Positive point
Negative point
Positive point.
This works especially well when there is ONE thing that you need to focus on. (Also, neither of these techniques are gender-specific. I do this at work ALL the time.)

Your examples make sense, it sounds like a pattern of behavioir where things in the home need to happen according to his expectations/time line/needs/preferences/wishes, with no regard for the feelings of other family members. And if you try to raise this with him or make him aware of your feelings, it sounds like you can't get this conversation to go anywhere.

These two things sound like red flags for coercive control, where one person dominates the entire family unit. These patterns of behaviour often start in subtle ways and ramp up over time.

Isolating family members or preventing family members from engaging in activities is often given as an example of extreme controlling behavior, however dictating how family time is spent and insisting on socialising or activities is a form of domination also.

Does he dominate other aspects of family life or do you have equality in finances, parenting, intimacy, etc? No need to answer here, just something to think about.

Even if you have equality in other aspects of your life together it is a major problem if he doesn't allow conversations between you to resolve your concerns. If he controls all the conversations (by shutting them down, however he does that) then he is controlling the relationship.

Yep.

You can only control your own behaviour, not his.

You need to have a serious talk with him about how unhappy the constant rushing is making you. You need to have down time. Life is busy and hectic enough with the daily grind of work and school so bank holidays are precious when they come around. I know of a man like this and in the end his wife left him for someone else.

He has many good points but his need for structure is tiring. It worked well when DC 6/8 were younger, and to some extent I like a plan too, but it’s taken on a life of its own in the last few years.

I’m finding it hard to describe accurately how it manifests in our relationship but a good example is we had a weekend away with DC in a spa hotel. DC were delighted to play in the pool, potter about and do one big activity while we were there.

DH produced a plan that included a set amount of pool time, a trip to the zoo, the aquarium and the local museum + meals out and was surprised when I said no it’s far too much in terms of time but also money.

i don’t think you feel the benefit if you do so much and I don’t want DC to have expectations of being constantly entertained. I think being bored on occasion does them good and fires imagination

I love a good plan but I like to not cram too much in as well, I prefer to leave some flexibility so we are not rushing through things that are time specific. If we have a busy day out we tend to stay home the following day.